I want to go back in time to when I was 22 and all I had to worry about was being able to afford cable, my late night drunken tator tots and being a bridesmaid for like, eternity.
Remember hiding in the bathroom because you were being subjected to yet, another humiliating bouquet toss?
Yea, me neither.
'Sit straight! Look available. Don't ask too many questions of your potential suitor. Nod and act very engaged. It's not about you, it is about whomever you are speaking with or nodding to with vigor. No worries if they talk about their ex ad nauseam. NEVER admit to having an ex. You are damaged goods if you whisper such a thing upon your tainted breath. Dance like a Raver with abandon but not too much abandon because, well, you don't want to look like you aren't into them and you are a potential whore. Remember, BE INTO THEM. Be appropriately sexy, but not too sexy. You know, you ARE trying to land your future. For God's sakes, don't upstage them! Act like a whore in bed but a virgin in public. Proclaim your innocence but know, dude, it is way too hard to act innocent. Act like you are smart but act very dumb. No one likes a smarty-pants. Down play you can debate with the best asshole in town. Only because you have major training in the arena. Act like you....aww...forget it, just act.
All of this acting I've done in life has and is quite tiresome. I feel like I've had to act for everyone else's benefit. Both for men and women. You know for those true friends that are supposed to be with you through thick and thin but disappear somewhere down the line because you aren't acting like the strong person they have always counted on for them.
Most of the time, I feel like I am bringing sparklers to an AK47 convention.
Most of the time, I just let them win so I didn't rock the boat and they still liked me.
In life, love and in relationships, I have walked the hot coals of fire to make people like me and want to be with me and be my friend.
If anything I have learned thus far, I want to reverse this pattern for my girls.
I want them to show up to the party with a full arsenal of fire power for their subjects - armed with only a lonely left-over stink bomb.
Even with all the 'Girl Power,' 'Gloria Steinem, BURN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING BRAS FOR LIBERATION!' and 'girls rule' mind fucks: empowering females to be in control is a life-long lesson in futility. Men are the stronger sex and women are the weaker and well, more potentially lethal catty POS ones.
I'll give them this, the catty POS's. I know quite a bit of those.
My oldest is growing up before my eyes and I fear for her self-esteem. I fear for her when men try to degrade her. Because they can. Hell, I see it in her peers already. Let me not forget to add the shitty-ass girls to the equation. I fear men/women who try to use her. Because they can. Men/women throwing her aside because she intimidates them. Because they can. Men/women who want her to look pretty and be the wing-man of their accessibility but not to have an opinion or to be made to feel bad to have one, because they can.
Conversely with women, I have found it to be seemingly worse. Only because, they (chicks, man) do it with such vigor, spite, malice and energy where as a man, simply wouldn't have the energy to do so. Or the shear thought.
I'd like to think society has changed since I was in the free market but really, it hasn't. You are still judged on the block by your healthy teeth and your comely stock. Both by women and men. The more outspoken you are, the more you are shunned and sent to the general pen. It is far better to not have an opinion or express it for that matter. You are a threat and just a problem to not deal with and are really easily dismissed while talking about you behind your back. Not the paranoid, "oh, my GOD! I just know they are whispering about me because I'm not wearing an Izod or Polo with those awesome button-fly jeans" kind of way, but the 'shit! I just walked by your secret conversation and I heard what I wasn't supposed to hear but will act like I didn't hear it because, DAMN! that was hurtful and WTF?' I am going to win an Emmy someday from my I didn't hear you but I really did acting performance.
I hope the future is different for my girls. I hope they are able to express themselves with acceptance and regard.
By both parties.
I hope they know with confidence which men and women are worthy of their souls and bodies. Knowing when to trust in a friend to hold your secrets close and your enemies closer. To know betrayal is that and to move on without being fucked over and over again because you can't seem to learn your lesson. and to not hurt in the process. To 'bless their little hearts.'
I truly hope they learn, absorb and excel at life with all kinds of good from their peeps as well with all of the nefarious people thrown in their direction.
I truly hope they are better than me. with a feisty spirit to Godspeed them ahead.
I'll hand them the sparklers but hope I've guided them to know, they should always be prepared to pull out the covert moder-lode of shit to empower them through out their lives.
To have self-confidence in their judgements and actions.
I truly, truly, TRULY hope..... I'm doing it right by them.
p.s. this has nothing to do with Rich, so don't go and ask him.
p.s. this story has a little bit of all of us here and how we are/aren't dealing with the odd situations constantly arising around us.
p.s.s. my new website should be up this weekend. Calligraphy that is. I know you (don't) care but I'll link that bad boy up soon!
p.s.s.s. i hate feeling paranoid about every word and move being dissected and thrown in my face so, after nine years here, I am going to start another site with a new name and a new, well, nothing new really, content. Just a more autonomous feeling. Even it it isn't.
You know my email. Message me if you want the new deets. If you have a suggestion of a new name, I'm all ears. Anything is better than my stupid choice from nine years ago.
Otherwise, carry on.