slow motion

When faced with tragedy, be it a car wreck or other nonsensical crazy situations, people always seem to say, "time seems to move in slow motion."I have to say, I've been in quite a few car accidents (none my fault, alright?) and I can attest to the feeling of my earring flying out of my earlobe while thinking "My mom is so going to kill me that I"m wrecking her car," or "Am I wearing clean underwear?" or "This is it? Am I going to die a virgin?"Basically, it's quite strange and odd how everything - motion, speech and thought seem to move and incapacitate oneself  in the slowest of motion. Strange thoughts seem to cross your mind as you are "in the moment" during such tragedies.Thoughts that make you feel like you are really not of this world, time or space.

During the moments of the worst day of my life, I remember thinking, "I really need to check on Thalon." 20 minutes from the time that I left him sleeping in our bed on his back with a pacifier, I found him face down on our bed of which I didn't leave him. I picked him up and thought, "When did my girls have the chance to smear their Hannah Montana gray sparkly makeup all over his face?" After a few seconds of realization that he was indeed not alive, blue and was not breathing, I started to do CPR on him on our bed. Let me first say, I learned CPR this past Summer only because I'm a Girl Scout Co-leader and it's mandatory to learn all this shit. Infant CPR was really not touched on during my long stint. So, here I was trying to resusitate my child on the flimsy surface of our bed, thinking all the while, "Holy shit! What am I supposed to do? I don't remember what I'm supposed to do? Why didn't I pay attention in class? " The class I took while I was pregnant with Thalon.

 While I was trying to push air back into him like he was a 300lb man, I heard Rich screaming where the goddamn phone was. The phone I try to never know where it is because I really try to not care who is calling us at any time of the day. So, while pushing and breathing into his mouth, I start to think, "oh my god, the police are going to come. They are going to arrest me! They are going to arrest me for being a shit mom that let her child sleep in her bed, albeit without shit, pillows, blankets, etc. no where near his face. They are going to arrest me, because I just know, they are going to think I've killed my child."  I then moved him to the floor of my bedroom. My bedroom that quite frankly is a mess. During my 30 presses and 3 puffs consecutively, while checking to see if he was going to breathe, I started to freak the fuck out more, "oh, my god! EMSA is going to come into my bedroom and realize, my room is a total wreck. She surely isn't fit to be a mother!" Total irrational thought started to sink in. While clearing and sucking out the snot out of his throat I moved him to my living room, thinking again, "my house smells like boiled eggs. We dyed motherfucking eggs for Easter today and they are going to think, shit, this house stinks and this woman is so not fit to have children in her care," I continued CPR without missing a beat. Strangely enough, EMSA, firefighters but no police came to our rescue. While the EMSA team tried to find a "thready" heartbeat, a stranger, was holding my hand and rubbing my back. All the while I had been calm, not crying not showing any emotion, being in the moment, trying to save the life of my child, I began to realize this stranger was telling me everything was going to be okay. I knew at that moment, nothing was ever going to be okay and seriously, would this stranger quit touching me. Doesn't she know I have boundary issues?

Fast forward two days later, after the trauma of theER visit where one of my best-friends was the head nurse resuscitating my darling angel. She freaked the fuck out when she realized it was our child, I began to realize, nothing was ever going to be the same again. The ER doctor tried to placate my keening all the while saying, "With all my heart, I believe this is a true classic case of SIDS." I looked him straight in the eye and asked are you sure? Are you sure this isn't my fault? Are you sure that my very healthy child who was laughing and cooing an hour before, died of SIDS? A definition where there is really no definition? A diagnosis I never even fathomed would be a possibility? Are you really, really, really sure?

Because no matter what anyone says or tries to placate my fears, I feel like it's all my fault.

Comments

[Gina]

Please know that it is not your fault. I am so sorry that you've had to go through this and I wish I could ease your pain and suffering. But please know it is not your fault.

[Amanda]

I wish I had the perfect words to say. I believe the doctor is right, this is not your fault. It's a horrible horrible thing, but it's not your fault.

Praying for you all.

[rbiggs]

Oh Dear! It just is NOT your fault. I am a lurker who hurts so much for you! I have had those same 'It's all my fault" feelings, but with much better outcomes. I so with that you could know that it is not your fault.

[m]

no. it just isn't your fault- that is the simple truth. if you could have controlled it, it never would've happened....and it could happen to anyone - that is why they have a name for it that we're all familiar with (well, we all know the name of it &what it results in, but not the mysterious mechanics of it). it is just tragic & senseless that it had to happen to thalon. but the fact that you feel this way only speaks to how much you love him.

you/your family remain in our thoughts and prayers.

[Nicole]

You're a good mom. This was not your fault. A terrible tragdy for which no one is to blame. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.

[Stacey]

Oh my God, Shana. Oh.My.God. I just keep going back to your old posts and looking at your gorgeous son . . . and wishing that someone, anyone, could turn back time. I think about him everyday and wonder how a merciful God could allow something like this to happen. My heart goes out to you.

[eva]

How horrific. And how not your fault. And how terribly incredibly tragic. Thanks for sharing your story. I think there is a misconception that SIDS is actually just a negligent poor ignorant folks' problem, something that happens to the uninformed. It is not, and how devastating it is that your experience has been the reminder for the rest of us that SIDS is real and can strike anyone.

[net]

((((shana & family)))). i'm just a lurker. i have no words of wisdom. just praying for you and your family. i am so sorry for your loss.

[maggie, dammit]

It's not. I swear it's not.

[melinda]

I am devastated all over again. Sending you my thoughts and prayers again, still.

[Jeni (Single Jen)]

You know you can't think that way. You just can't. You will not make it through the rest of your life if you keep blaming yourself. But who am I to lecture you. I have no idea of even HALF of what you must be going through.

Vodka/Red Bull.....helps everything.

[Brenda]

My heart literly hurts for you. Plain and simply it hurts!

[Gwen Jackson]

I'm going to add my voice to the throng of voices saying, "It is NOT your fault." You so obviously adore your children, care for them, love them. You did everything you could to save the life of your precious son.

[Kim Powell]

Shana-
You have been in my thoughts every single day since I heard of the awful news. Please don't think that it is your fault. It's not, it's just really, really not. I pray peace be with you.

[Chris]

I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I really can't. To even try to imagine, is selfishly, more than I can handle. I'll continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry.

[Lezel]

We love you....that is a known.....

[Lauren]

I can't even start to imagine what you're going through. I'm terribly sorry for everything - for what happened and how it definitely shouldn't have happened. You didn't deserve it. And as hard has it is to believe, it's NOT your fault. I'm so sorry.

[Diane]

It's really not your fault and you need to believe that down into your bones. We all experience grief differently, you, your husband, your kids . . . It's still so soon. . . but eventually consider grief counseling. You really do need to know that this is not your fault.

[Jodee]

I do not personally know you but I try and feel your pain and I cry for you and your family. I am soo sorry. And it's not your fault.... it's not and remember that. I think and pray for you and your family daily. Sending you a big hug and lots of love..

[Kris]

So fuckin unfair - that's the hell of it. You couldn't do anymore to prevent it than anyone of us could have if it was our own baby. Life is random and it's a bitch. You'll never get the answers you're looking for - you just need to get up everyday and try to be there for your other 2 angels. I don't know if it will ever get easier, I doubt it, but you'll find a way.

[metalia]

Oh, Shana. This could have happened to any one of us. It's not your fault. It's not. And I know it doesn't help, hearing this from all of us; that you need to believe it yourself, but even so, I'll say it again: it's not your fault. Love you. xoxo

[Stephanie]

Echoing everyone else . . . it is not your fault. Oh, so not your fault. It could have happened to any of us. Crying for your sweet boy again . . .

[Jennifer]

But it's just NOT your fault! All you did was put him down for a nap like we ALL have. And we've all put our kids for naps places other than their cribs--that doesn't make any difference. What happened is all of our worst nightmares--a terribly unfortunate event--but one that is certainly not your fault.

You are going through so much right now--please don't blame yourself!!

[Angella]

Oh, Honey.

Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault.

xoxo

[krystyn]

It's not your fault, like everyone has already told you, though I am certain your pain is not eased. I'm sorry for your pain. I hate that this happened.