five months and counting

I usually remember when I have had my last "maintenance work" performed based on situations and occasions. By "maintenance work," I mean - essential beautification of things I can change with a magic wand or someone's else's blood, sweat and tears.

For instance, I can remember when I last had my hair colored. It was April 8th. Two days before my son died (the 1st time). Little did I know, I was "maintaining" my mane for an impromptu event of which 250+ people were going to attend. While most were staring at the back or side of my head, I kept wondering if I had a helmet head like Sally Field did on her daughter, Chelsea's, funeral day in "Steal Magnolias." During the funeral, I thought more about my vain idle thoughts and realized, who cares. At least I wasn't wearing the same shirt I wore for 7 days straight to the funeral. The last shirt I wore while holding my child when he spit up on me. The last shirt that he lazed on while we napped together as one. The last shirt that I wiped his blood and snot on from my CPR efforts. The last shirt I wore while swaddling him in my arms to die, yet again. The last shirt worn while making surreal funeral arrangements for my son's non-real funeral. The shirt I wore though many meals, visits, tears and restless sleep. I decided to not freak everyone out by OCD behavior by taking it off and donning on a purple sweater. A sweater that I swear I'm going to burn someday soon with all of the memories associated with it. The 'shirt's' existence? It is still laying on top of my baby swing at the side of our bed. May it rest in peace one day. Maybe with the purple sweater.

Where was I? Oh, yes, my mundane bodily maintenance schedule. Basically, my hair was colored six weeks ago. I remember this because Thalon died six weeks ago, yesterday.

I can remember the last time I had my eyebrows waxed. The day AFTER Thalon's funeral. My cousin waxed them for me. Again, six weeks ago TODAY would be the last time my furry caterpillars were groomed. Don't ask the state they are in at the moment.

The last pedicure? The pedicure in which I had everything painted from head-to-toe blue because I just knew Thalon was going to be a boy? A color of polish I'll never wear again because now I associate it with bad luck? The last pedicure happened to be five months ago. (Don't worry, I've trimmed the claws here and there as to not tear holes into the sheets and socks.)

How do I know the pedicure was five months ago? Because Thalon would have been five months old yesterday. I try to imagine what he would have been doing other than breaking my heart with his smiles and coos yesterday on this sober semi-anniversary. Instead, I'm left with a blank slate. Erased for eternity. School's out for eternity mentality. No more future lessons learned about his temperament and personality. No more 4:30am feedings. No more looking in my rearview mirror watching him coo, smile and flirt with himself, while I fell in love with him more and more every minute. I'm forever left with the last picture I snapped of him, resting so peacefully.

 

Don't worry, I moved him from this position after this picture was taken so nothing "awful" were to happen. Silly woman. Who knew it would be the NEXT day, the "awful" happened.

So, here I am. Left with the last picture taken of a child that looks slightly well, shall I say it? Dead? His hand even looks a weird shade of blue. Notice the recommended pacifier in his mouth to prevent SIDS? Yea, I'm here to tell you, they don't work for shit.  He had one in his mouth the day he died. Screw you experts. You still don't know shit!

Yet, here I am. Still left with the sadness and grief while armed with the knowledge that I did everything one is supposed to prevent such a thing and IT STILL HAPPENED! 

All I want to say is FUCK YOU WORLD! What I wouldn't do for one more minute - to celebrate his fifth month in my presence not in heaven or where ever you truly go after death.

I so feel cheated - and to think, five is/was my lucky number. I think I shall pick a new number in light of all events.  Maybe, just maybe, luck or whatever cosmic number shall be a new sign for me to use since we are no longer FIVE people in a family or the FIFTH month of this birth.

How about 7? How about 10? I'm not sure any number will satisfy me and make me feel better. I'm sure I'll somehow find some association with him and what could have been and what will never be.

Comments

[maria]

you are not to blame. you did everything right, and even those of us who don't "do everything right" usually end up with babies who are just fine. the latest research suggests a biological basis for SIDS, an abnormality in the brain stem.

http://www.scienceagogo.com/news/20060931195901data_trunc_sys.shtml

this is not your fault.

[Vicky]

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I hope you find peace at some point.

[Carroll]

Burn that sweater if you must, (and I know I sure would) but I'd say hold on to the shirt! It's the shirt on which sweet Thalon sniffed his final comforting smells of *you*, which without a doubt helped him know that he was being held close, and loved beyond compare even in those final moments when the unthinkable was happening to him. That shirt is full of *his* memories, as well as your own. What a treasure.

[Lea]

So sad and so heartbreaking. And what a beautiful, beautiful boy. I think of you and your family often and this horrible nightmare you are enduring.

[Jess]

Oh sweet friend that I don't know. I cry whenever you post, and think fondly of your sweet sweet boy. You're in my thoughts, prayers, and heart. What you're going through is unthinkable and you honor his memory with the honesty and sweetness of your posts. Thank you for letting us mourn with you.

Love from Virginia.

[Cynnie]

fate can be a motherfucker..

I say keep everything..but im a packrat..
you'll know what to do when its time to do it

[Michele]

He's beautiful... And you are right- it's not fair... What we all wouldnt give for just one more moment... Remembering with you today...

[flurrious]

Cynnie is right. You'll know what to do when it's time. It's only been a month since you lost Thalon; right now, you can't be expected to do anything but get through the days. I hope it's getting easier, although even "easier" must be very very difficult.

[a madhouse wife]

Agreed: You will know what to do when it's time, and you'll know when it's time. You don't have to do anything now.

And SIDS? You're so right. They know nothing. People do all the right things, or sometimes the wrong things, and it just doesn't matter most of the time. And it's totally unfair and you guys didn't deserve it. Still praying for you daily.

[Sarah]

Oh my god, this is heartbreaking. He's so beautiful.

[Ashley Hast]

I hurt reading this because it breaks my heart into a million pieces, and yet I know it can't even *begin* to touch the edge of what you experience each and every second. I come here to read your words, and to pray for and support you and your family, and to continue remembering your sweet boy.

[Camels & Chocolate]

Hugs, you amazing woman, you. And you can't beat yourself up over something that you had no control over, because the reality is that nothing you could have done could have prevented such a horrid act of fate and no amount of "what ifs" can reverse the painful circumstances. But you have every right to hate the world. I would, too, in your shoes. I already do a little bit for you.

[Delenn]

Thinking of you. What a sweet little boy.

[Amy]

He's beautiful. Hoping you will be able to find peace one day. (hug)

[Pam]

Fuck you World is right :(. It's just not fair.

[Trista]

Raw, honest, heart breaking and absolutely beautiful post.

Every time I read your posts about this tragedy, I practically sprint to my children's rooms and hold them. They are 5 and 8. I know the pain will never go away, I know you will never feel whole again...but I am praying you are able to find a little peace for you and your family.

[Holly]

Shana...I am a new reader, coming to your blog from another blog that mentioned Thalon's passing. I check your blog everyday since my first reading. There are really no adequate words that I can share with you. I wish I could take away your pain. Something in your post today has compelled me to comment. Please know that I and so many readers are routing for you and wishing you the strength to get through each day. I can only imagine that in the same situation I would only question "WHY"...WHY did God do this? As shitty as it is, we don't ever get to know the reasons behind God's plan. But I do believe in the saying that "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it". You will get through this Shana, and Thalon is your angel helping you along the way.

[Michelle Baxter]

I wish I could help you through as a friend who's not just an e-friend, but a friend who's right there to come over whenever you needed, to help with whatever you needed done. I really mean that. Thinking of you and your sweet family, always.

[tela]

So, so sorry. I hope you can find peace one day. Though, obviously not on a "five" day. (Is that flippant? I don't mean it to be.)

I don't know what else to say. I get a mix of emotions when I read your posts--extreme sadness and also some rage thrown in. Why does this have to happen to anyone? It's ridiculous. I hate it. I'm sorry, so so sorry.

[sizzle]

Love you friend.

xo

[KIm]

Thinking about you and beautiful Thalon. I hope he, Maddie and Gregory and all of those who have left us too soon, are keeping watch over us in heaven.

[feefifoto]

I'm so sorry you're so sad.

[punchlinewalking]

You *were* cheated. And it is so fucking unfair. You and your family are never far from my thoughts, my friend.

[bessie.viola]

Sending hugs yet again... It's the best I can do. Still praying for you. xoxo

[Heather]

He's beautiful. I can't even fathom what you're feeling. I wish a sorry would fix it all. Life can suck.