guilty

Everyone who meets me always says I have quite a problem with feelings of guilt. I feel guilty when people are nice to me or when they give me gifts or even say, "gee, your hair looks pretty today." I'm not quite sure where and when I decided I was unworthy of kindness but somewhere along the road of learning and living, I picked up the major "guilt complex."

I wish I had words to truly express how much every comment, dollar donated, dish made, gifts given for my children, gifts in remembrance of Thalon, ALCOHOL, special hugs (I know, I know, I don't like to be hugged but I'm getting used to it right now), drinking lunches, pedicures, late night talks, shoulders to cry on (daily), people letting me laugh and then cry hysterically in the next breath and the most wonderful unexpected gifts given to make me smile or make me happy for only a moment are truly appreciated. Well, I'd be writing thank you notes until doomsday. I try to say a verbal thank you and "the note will be in the mail sometime, someday." I really appreciate the people that say, "are you crazy? you just thanked me. Forget about it." I try to take them at their word but again, I feel such a feeling of guilt. I want everyone to know that I'm thankful and without all the love and support, well, I'm not sure where we would be right now.

So, here I am. Trying to assuage my guilt to say, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING! You may or may not receive a handwritten note in return but just know, we feel so loved and supported.

A special thanks to:

Lisa at Charming cards for sending me a beautiful package of thank you notes - just because.

Layla, a newfound friend, for taking me to get a pedicure on Saturday. Who listened to my "blah, blah, blahs" and surprised me with a "happy box" to dig into when I feel sad. Complete with trashy mags, mix CD's, Twix, Red Bull and U2 concert tickets for Rich and I (secretly, I'm quite excited to see the Black-eyed Peas. I know, shoot me).  She has become a major cheerleader for me when my pom-poms are too wilted and tired to cheer.

Kris, for sending me the most awesome 80's CD mix. I hope she knows that when I pull up to school with all of us girls in the car singing Pat Benatar, I'm thinking all about her.  

And last but not least, my secret I've been keeping:

A VEGAS TRIP! I'm leaving on Friday and coming back on Monday, sans family.

Kim,  Marci,  Andrea,  and liz graciously purchased me a ticket for a "therapy" weekend filled with laughter, friendship and fun.  

This is the first time in my life that I should feel guilty about receiving a gift but I don't. Actually, I'm only filled with pure excitement. So much so, I'm paralyzed with fear of what to wear. Post-partum and depression hasn't treated me well but I figure if I'm drunk 80% of the time, I won't care what I look like.  Is it bad that I'm planning on wearing flip flops the whole time?

So, Kim, when you pick me up at the airport on Friday morning? This is what I look like. Though, I'll probably be wearing some clothing. I don't want to be touched too many times by the creepy airport personnel.

Say a little prayer that Rich and the girls survive my absence. More like, a prayer for Rich. He's gonna need all the help he can get.

Comments

[Noelle]

Well, on a positive note, the Venus of Willendorf is only a few inches tall, so really you don't look as big as you think you do :)

On a more serious note, everyone appreciates your gracious thanks and I doubt anyone is going to be all, "sheesh, I made her a lasagna and she never hand wrote a formal thank you note." Seriously. Seriously!

As for the flip flops...God's gift to feet...and as you've been working on learning, never look a gift horse in the mouth!

Wishes for a wonderful trip filled with moments of peace.

[Miss E]

You're too funny. Have so much fun in Vegas, you deserve it. PS - I've many a time walked down the strip sans shoes altogether. Flip flops will be fine :)

[TUWABVB]

No one gives a crap about notes, just that you are doing okay. And I'm so happy to hear that you are treating yourself to a weekend away. What great girls! Have an awesome time and take a lot of pictures and just have fun.

And while that picture is totally creepy, it reminds me of challah bread and thus makes me hungry at the same time.

[Veronica]

I hope you have a fantastic time. I've been thinking about you a lot.

[debi]

Oh geez I am so happy that you are going to take a break. I think about you each day and worry every night. I really do have a life but you are stuck here in my heart so I worry and pray. Laugh as much as you can and have a drink for me. God bless you, deb

[Lynn from For Love or Funny]

I'm so glad you're going to be with friends! I hope you laugh so hard that your sides ache!!

[Ashley]

My BF just surprised me w/ a trip to Vegas 4 my bday. We had a blast. I looooooove VEGAS. I hope you have so much fun!!!! Personally, I wouldnt wear flip flops @ night on the strip - tooooo many people. I was afraid they'd all be stepping on my little toes the whole time. I opted for really comfy tennis shoes while walking at night.

[Kristie]

Is that a rock, or a bread statue? Because at first I thought it looked hard, then I thought ... hmmm, if I ripped off that left leg and heated it up, with some butter, yum! :)

Not only should you NOT feel guilty for letting people do things for you, you should understand that in a bizarre way, you are doing them a favor. People want to help in some way, whether it be with a note or meal or gesture or gift or simply a kind word. So often we can't think of the "right" thing to say or do .... you are actually blessing the giver just by being a gracious receiver. It is SO hard to accept help sometimes, and I think most people feel that way. But don't let that feeling take anything away from the giver, either, because it makes people feel good if they can help you in even the tiniest way. Really, that's all people want to do .... somehow, just help.

[missy]

Have an AWESOME trip!!

[Trisha]

Have an wonderful time in Vegas! :) You deserve some fun.

[Tiffany]

You must be a wonderful person to have such wonderful friends!! I hope you have a great time and get to laugh and/or cry...whatever you need to do!

[serenity]

Too funny... Personally, I think that yes, flip flops are perfect Vegas attire. I mean, shit. Really, that's more clothing than a LOT of women wear in Vegas. And plus they're easy to take off when you're drunk.

Have a good time. You deserve it.

xx

[Chris]

Have a great time!!!

[Sarah B.]

Have a blast! You need to blow off a little steam, and it's good for Daddy and the girls to have a bit of time on their own, too. Lilly always loves her special Daddy-time, even if he is exhausted by the end!

[a madhouse wife]

Have a super time! I totally get guilt, and have lots of it myself, but I try to remind myself that when people want to do something for you, you must let them because it's for them too. But I think we've had that conversation here before. ...I hope you have a great time. :)

[Christine]

Oh have fun! and you crack me up. Please know that there is no need for so many thank yous. Everyone you tell, already knows.

Have fun in Vegas, and I'll pull a Hail Mary or two for Rich out of the memories of my Catholic upbringing.

[Michele]

have a great time!!!

[Melissa in TN]

Good for you! You have fantastic friends who know just what you need. I hope you have a wonderful time there.

[sizzle]

You're going to have THE BEST TIME! My only sorrow is that I won't be there with you ladies. Have an extra cocktail and tons of fun for me. That's an order, missy.

Love you.
Sizz

[Michelle Baxter]

Have a great time! Hey, how'd you get that picture of me, by the way :o) Your gorgeous face and hair photoshopped onto my bod...Shana, have a fantastic time! Thinking of you.

Michelle

[Kris]

Once you've really decided to fuck the guilt and stop worrying about it you'll feel a major weight off your shoulders. I get like that with Christmas Cards. I only end up sending them every other year, but each time I spend early November to mid December feeling worry/guilt about them. Once I decide that it just isn't happening I feel a million times better.

You DO NOT need to do thank you cards - I can't imagine a single person would think that you should. People help because they want to see you happy/healthy/whatever - just seeing you start to enjoy life a bit - that's the only thing people want.

Have a wicked time in Vegas - but try to stay away from the cash machines.

[Laura]

I am so glad you have such wonderful friends. Have fun and do something you really SHOULD feel guilty about ;-)!

[Anna]

That is so awesome...have an unforgettable time!

[whoorl]

Thank you cards? Whatever!! Have the best weekend in Vegas, you deserve it. :)

[Jen]

Don't worry about the notes! People just want you and your family to come through this. Have an awesome time in Vegas!!!