Did you know these are the stats that my husband and I are left with after losing a child? Meaning that nine out of ten couples DIVORCE after the loss of a child? It's quite scary if I were to be scared about such a thing with my relationship with "my dude", but this happens to be the norm in such dire and similar situations. I do have to say, after our EVERY NIGHT conversations with my husband, this is the furthest thing from our minds. It's kind of like, Thalon's life was actually made in vain if we were to divorce. Like our children in our relationship are a means to an ends and we are selfish human beings to think, "it's all about us." I liken it to a brittle bridge upon our tight walking asses were walking/stumbling upon but weren't really strong at all. I do know for certain after many conversations - both drunk and sober - he doesn't blame me for the death of our son. THANK GOD! or whatever you believe in. I don't think we would be able to survive if he thought I had a hand in the outcome - innocent or otherwise.
I do have to admit, while waiting to see Thalon in the PICU, I prayed to God that Rich wouldn't hate me for what had happened. Why? Because. Because I was the last to see Thalon, the last to hug and love on him. The last to leave him in a "safe" position. When sitting in the waiting room, awaiting the first visitation of our son at the second hospital, I looked at my husband with the eyes of a bride who looked at her husband for the first time and prayed, he didn't blame me for everything. You know, like when our cake was fucked up and he hadn't realized that maybe this is not what I had planned and EVERYTHING was wrong with this fucked up cake as well the clarity of this situation on our wedding day. Let us not discuss the state of my hair, make-up and shoes. ALL better left undescribed. At least I WAS wearing a bra during such events. Both in wedding and in tragedy.
Let me end this thought: Rich is the best Father a child could hope for. He adores his children (something I knew even at the age of 22) and is such a hands-on-father - and yes, I am lazy. Quite lazy in the physical manner to be exact. Even at a birthday party we attended yesterday, he was able to entertain his two girls while I looked on. I was also able to observe the interaction with the little boys he entertained with a slight lost soul look upon his face. I so mourn what "could have been" for him. The "Wolverine Hands" that should have been for a son not a daughter. The rough and tumble play that should have occurred as well as the bonding and knowing that his life would continue on with his male offspring. The offspring that should have been like father-like son.