I think my life is in need of a good cleansing. My chi realigned, my karma overhauled. Go to confession or have a mother of all colonics. Something, ANYTHING to stop the stream of shit overflowing all around me.
I took my car into the shop today to have an oil change because something like a death in the family makes you forget about the crucial maintenance of all things utilized on a daily basis. I was informed my air conditioner is basically kaput and I need another new tire. All to the tune of $1800 as some change.
My response? or should I say my classy response was?
"FUCK! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? $1800? Another $500.00 and I can actually bury my kid. My baby that died 10 weeks ago! Fuck! How do I choose between burying my child and providing my other kids air-conditioning in 106 temperatures?"
The crapper is, my car is only 4 years old. I'm still paying for it. My bad for purchasing a motherfucking Ford.
Needless to say, I sure know how to stun a guy while wiping a smirk off his face at the same time. Crying may or may not have been involved during my freak-out. Yes, I actually succumbed to crying in front of a stranger. Something I just don't do. Something usually far too humiliating for me.
Another thing to add to my massive and substantially current, as-we-speak/type anxiety attack? I just received an email from Babycenter.com to remind me my sweet little baby would have been six months old today. I would like to say I am wondering what Thalon would have been doing and learning at this moment in time but I don't need to question myself as I saw my nephew yesterday. The first time since Thalon died. The child that was born almost a month AFTER Thalon. Seeing him broke my heart. No, actually seeing him shattered my heart. Based on his actions, I know Thalon would have grown exponentially and probably would be holding his bottle by now. His attempt the day he died of trying to sit up would be in a full blown stable sit fest flanked by his sisters while watching Sponge Bob on T.V. We would be experimenting with rice cereal this week and planning for a family vacation next month - taking his pale, Irish skin into account. I would be packing up his clothes he had wholeheartedly grown out of while making sure they were free from stains from his formula-drool and slobbery bubbles. I would finally putting the cutest clothing given as gifts on him to show that he was one cool little dude.
But alas, today on his sixth month birthday or what would have been his sixth month birthday, Rich wants to purchase a balloon, write something profound on it and let the girls release it to the heavens. Hopefully, just hopefully Thalon will catch this balloon full of love and sorrow and know that I/we miss him more than one thought possible. Hopefully he'll send us/me a sign that he received our message while praying this sign might try to ease my broken heart. Let me rephrase that, my poor, broke-ass broken heart.
Happy what should have been semi-year birthday my little one, where ever you may be. I love and miss you so fucking much.
**Please don't count how many fucks and motherfuckers where used in this post. I certainly think I'm allowed at the very least this language as some sort of release from my pent-up rage.**
Nothing else to say besides, today fucking sucks. I am so sorry. Let's talk later. xoxo
Posted by: andrea | June 22, 2009 at 02:32 PM
I agree,, I think you are allowed. I sincerely hope it gets somehow better.
Posted by: Vicky | June 22, 2009 at 02:32 PM
Can I just add one more fuck and motherfuck to this to say that it is so motherfucking-ass-fucked up that you or anyone should have to go through this? It just doesn't make sense.
Posted by: sassy | June 22, 2009 at 02:34 PM
I have never commented here before, but I just wanted to let you know how sorry I am for you and your family. My "mommy heart" cannot even begin to imagine the depth of your pain...please know that you and your sweet boy are being prayed for.
Posted by: Julie H. | June 22, 2009 at 02:39 PM
I also have never commented, but I've been reading your blog for a while. Life doesn't make sense. I'm sorry.
Posted by: Lona | June 22, 2009 at 02:43 PM
Of course you're allowed as many f words as you want! It's your fucking blog.
Posted by: Anna | June 22, 2009 at 02:45 PM
Lurker here, and I just want to say: you're en-fucking-titled to all the curse words you want and need. I wish it helped. I think you are one of the fucking strongest, most real people I have (n)ever met. Thinking of you and Thalon today (even though I'm a complete fucking stranger, and that might make me creepy, but I swear I'm not).
Posted by: Kori | June 22, 2009 at 02:57 PM
If you please...what do you mean bury your son....obvious question it may seem but, what do you need? Can I help?
Tricia
Posted by: Tricia | June 22, 2009 at 03:09 PM
Of course you're fucking allowed to say fuck. Say it all you want. Just wanted to say I'm reading, and my heart is with you.
Posted by: Kier | June 22, 2009 at 03:12 PM
You are definitely allowed all the "fucks" you want (oy, you know what I mean) from now until the end of time. I get those episodes so well--my worst one was in an AT&T store banging my head on the desk and screaming that I needed a new phone because my baby died and my other one was in intensive care. This from the guy who would do anything to avoid a scene. And when I didn't properly stop at a crosswalk and a uniformed Cedars-Sinai nurse screamed "JACKASS!" at me, I wanted to roll my window down and say "Really, lady? My baby just died in your fucking hospital and you're calling me a jackass?"
Thinking of you guys today.
Posted by: Danny | June 22, 2009 at 03:13 PM
I am so sad that Thalon, Maddie and Oliver aren't here bringing joy to their parents. I am praying for and thinking of you all.
Posted by: Melissa in TN | June 22, 2009 at 03:27 PM
Say what you need to say, Shana...if it's Fuck, then fuck it is. If it's Motherfucker, so be it! Always thinking of you, Rich, your sweet girls, and Thalon.
Hey, I have a Ford too, and I hate that fucking thing. Here if you need me, okay?
Posted by: Michelle Baxter | June 22, 2009 at 03:28 PM
Sadly, there is nothing a total stranger can say that would even begin to comfort you. Just know that total strangers everywhere are thinking of you.
Posted by: Heather G | June 22, 2009 at 03:32 PM
I wish there was something I could do to help...I've been reading your blog and never commented. I wish there was some way I could make things better. Your children are all beautiful and I'm pulling for you and your family.
Posted by: Sarah | June 22, 2009 at 03:41 PM
If someone doesn't like to hear or see the word "fuck", then they can fuck off and not read your blog.
I wish I could do something for you. Just know so many people care and support you.
Posted by: Notesfromthegrove | June 22, 2009 at 03:47 PM
curse all you want.
we've been having issues with my 10 yo volvo, which i adore. not sure what the issue is this time. hubs is taking it to the shop tomorrow.
sending you hugs...
Posted by: Michele | June 22, 2009 at 03:49 PM
I think releasing a balloon is a beautiful idea. May it be a freeing gesture for you and your family. Big hugs!
Posted by: Jill | June 22, 2009 at 03:49 PM
Been thinking and praying for you a lot lately, hoping that you are surviving. Please don't be too proud to ask me for anything, you know I love to help my friends.
Posted by: Dana | June 22, 2009 at 03:51 PM
Fuck. That's all I can say. FUCK.
Posted by: Aunt Becky | June 22, 2009 at 03:51 PM
Thinking of you and your family on yet another impossibly difficult day. There are just no words.
Posted by: M | June 22, 2009 at 03:53 PM
I think you can say fuck all you want because we all know that what happened to you is one bad fucking thing. What's my excuse? I don't have one. I'm just so sorry for you and I really don't know what else to say. If you feel like you're due for some kind of cleansing, by all means, do it. But I think cussing does release some rage too.
Posted by: a madhouse wife | June 22, 2009 at 04:10 PM
I'm thinking of you and your sweet little guy today. And please, Shana, cuss away! I've got a filthy fucking mouth myself and it's refreshing to hear/read the same from others. Besides, it's your blog, if people don't like it, they should mosey right along.
Posted by: Creepy Mommy | June 22, 2009 at 04:12 PM
I think you're allowed to fucking swear on your own fucking blog, especially when you're writing about the shittiest fucking thing that could happen to a parent.
Posted by: Alison | June 22, 2009 at 04:14 PM
I just want to commend you for continuing to speak your mind on here, no matter how raw and crappy those feelings may be. I imagine there is a lot of pressure to get back to "normal" after something terrible happens because people start feeling uncomfortable and don't know what to say - so I'm glad you aren't succumbing to that and continue to use this as your personal forum to say whatever you need to say.
Posted by: Belly Girl | June 22, 2009 at 04:15 PM
I'll post something loving and profound later (yeah, right!) but for now.....get a second opinion re your shitbox Ford. And then, spend a few angry minutes googling for recall notices on your shitbox Ford. I'd smack you for buying a shitbox Ford, but guessing you're already doing that.
Geez....life's shitting on your head, you need a bucket for a hat!
Sorry,
Brenda
Posted by: Brenda | June 22, 2009 at 04:18 PM