the waiting is the hardest part

I must confess. I failed to share ALL my details of my Vegas trip with you folks. While 99.9% of the trip was wonderful and made me feel like a magical princess in another land; Monday morning made me feel like I was once again in the "Land of the Lost" without a compass and map to get back home. Whatever home is at this moment.....

I called the Medical Examiner that Monday morning while my hostess's three-year-old little boy banged on my door to come out to play (can I say, this made me start to cry before the phone call because I realized I was never going to have a little boy looking for me - asking where Shana-Banana is? Not to be morbid, but I did fall in love with her son and enjoyed his impromptu snuggle sessions on the couch the moment I met him.) Yea, after reading this sentence, I sound lightly morbid and creepy and I know it. Don't worry Kim, I'm not going to steal him. Just yet.

Anyway, during the initial phone conversation with the "client relations" dude from the ME's office, two days after Thalon died, he stated, if I hadn't heard from him by June 1st, I should call him. Mainly due to our case being that of an unexplained and sudden infant mortality; these cases take a little longer than usual because there isn't the funding needed and they have to send off  "tissue samples" elsewhere for more complete and thorough testing. Usually, within 3-6 months you have an answer.  

Au contrare mon frere.

This particular day he stated, he had received the Toxicology results (which were all negative. Yippee! I didn't poison him with bleach or overdose him with Tylenol) on May 19th but they were still awaiting the Histology (in which they hack the fuck out of your child to get tissue samples of every organ known to man - wherein I started to hyperventilate...) reports to return. This time he said it could take up to a year in some instances.  "Wait! But you told me it would be 3-6 months! Not 3 months to a year!"  Wow, I'm so glad to see my tax dollars are hard at work taking care of me and my family as well as, every fucking loser out there.... (Yes, you may reply, "bitter much?)

I also asked if he had any preliminary reporting to satisfy me during this extending waiting time. His pompous answer gratingly,  stating, "Lady, you know more than I do at this point."

Wow, really? Somewhere along my educational path I must have become a pathologist and totally forgot. Well, I did party a lot and know know I play Doctor to all my friends in their time of crisis but I'm usually talking out my ass with a 90% rate of accuracy. Actually, those are pretty good odds, if you ask me. Maybe, I should become a pathologist and solve the injustices of family waiting. Okay, yea, forget it. I don't have the patience or the intelligence to hack on bodies for the sake of science. I prefer to live in my glass house of dirty laundry and poop-filled panties.

I proceeded to cry hysterically and tell him, "This isn't a 78-year-old woman who died of a heart attack or a victim of a gruesome murder scene. This is the death of my seemingly healthy son with whom, I left for 20 minutes to only return and he was fucking dead! A son that I AM GRIEVING FOR EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY AND FOR GODSAKE'S CAN'T YOU SHOW SOME FUCKING COMPASSION? I'M TRYING TO FIND SOME CLOSURE HERE AND YOU CAN'T GIVE ME THE FUCKING COURTESY TO EVEN TRY TO BE NICE DURING THIS FUCKED UP SITUATION"

Yes, I did use Fuck too many times in my conversation. You can stop reading now if you would like. If you are offended by my language than you OBVIOUSLY don't have a clue about the shit I've gone through lately and clearly don't need to be reading me.

The dude then changed his tune (just a bit) to say, "Call me every week if need be but just know, I probably won't have the answer in the time-frame you are looking for."

So much for trying to tie up lose ends. So much for believing in the fucked-up system. So much for finding closure in such a traumatic situation.

Some say, I need to forget about it all of this shit until I FINALLY receive an answer. Whenever this may be. Some say, I should concentrate on my family and go on with life for the better good of my family. Some say, I am slightly making a mountain out of a mole-hill because I can't change what has happened in the past. Some say, I'm not treating myself healthily and cuss too much and drink too much.  Some say,  I just need to work-out, lose weight and I would feel all better about myself. Some say, I should take the situation at face value and just quit obsessing about events that I can't change, the trauma of it-all and my lack of dealing with a dirty house, dead flowers, baby swing and car seat still in my car. Some say, I REALLY need counseling as well as my children. Some say, I'm focusing on the negative and absolutely no positives on the horizon.

I would like to give a collective answer to everyone's "concerns' but really, what is the point? I feel no one really gets it. I feel like the mundane shit that everyone else is obsessing about it just that, mundane. The only difference is? I feel judged. I don't tell the well-meaning people with a smile plastered on my face what I'm really thinking. I don't tell them I'm jealous of their new babies and they need to suck it up because babies fucking cry or are fussy. I don't tell them that this crying and fussing? is just a part of life because life is for the living, not a child who died unexpectedly and without warrant. I don't tell them that I would gladly, for just one moment or any moment in time, would trade places with my DEAD child so I don't feel this constant guilt while having images of his death on my hands, face and mind.

Anywho....

In the hopes of being "more productive and more healthy," my OB put me on a "new" medication in which I sweat like a whore in a bathhouse, have insomnia and have even more crazy thoughts of guilt. All I have to say is "Fuck you Prestiq and the horse you rode in on!"

Yea, so, maybe I have a few unresolved issues. Maybe, I'm so messed up that medication can't fix my problem. What I can say is: I wake up every morning - sober - take care of my kids and their needs. I once and a while do the laundry while making sure everyone has their drink of choice. Whether it be chocolate milk, Diet Dr. Pepper, Coffee or Vodka and Rum for the late evening's events.

I'm still here. Alive and kicking. NOT GIVING UP! Doing the best that I can in a world that doesn't seem quite real. In a world that really doesn't GET where I'm coming from nor should they. Because.... I wouldn't want anyone to know how it really feels to be in my place.

Comments

[Alison]

Here's the thing. I'll never give you any assvice, because I have no idea what you are dealing with right now. My philosophy is "whatever gets you through the day," and that is applicable all over the damn place.

I will tell you to keep writing. Writing is good.

[Creepy Mommy]

Shana, I am crazy drunk right now, but you are doing a wonderful job.

[Trish]

Nobody gets to tell you what you need, or what you should do. Not about this. Not about anything. You know what you need better than anyone. And you are doing it.

And the ME was being an impatient little prick, and needs to take some kind of course on proper people skills. You're grieving; you don't need to be spoken to like that.

I sure hope they give you answers sooner than they think. You deserve that little bit of solace and closure.

(((Hugs)))

[Creepy Mommy]

I know it is. You are a WONDERFUL mom. Somethinghorrible happened to your family. To you. (Lighting another cigarette, I'm not perfect) Please keep writing. I know that everything you talk about is the real deal.

[mosey along]

If you are doing the bare minimum to keep life for you and your family ticking over, then I'd say (as a reader who really isn't entitled to any sort of opinion at all) that you're doing all the right things. For you and nobody but you. Cocktails and Jeff Buckley (from your sidebar) sound like an excellent choice of antidote to me. Doesn't his music make you shiver? One of my most evocative memories is from when I saw him live in an old church in Toronto about 15 years ago listening to him go from the haunting delicacy of Lilac Wine to completely apeshit on Dream Brother.

Sorry. My tendency to segue is longstanding, can you tell?

[Karishma]

oh, shana. i am so sorry. i say it again and again, and it so true every time. there's no way to put into words how fucked up this situation is. and now, i can say this: no one, absolutely no one can tell you how to feel or how you should feel and put you on their schedule. your grief is your own to process the way you want to, at the pace you want to. if medication helps you, so be it, god only knows you deserve whatever solace you can get. if being on medication puts you in a worse place, well, fuck that shit, get off of it and use the support of your loved ones to hold you up. you know they will do whatever they possibly can for you. in the end, it's up to YOU. not your ob, not your friends, not people who clearly need some lessons in how to speak with some basic decency towards the grieving. no one can tell you what *should* make you feel better, or what *might* help you, that's something for you to decide for yourself.

[dee]

i am so sorry for your loss. i think of you often and hope it gets better for you with time.

[Claire]

i hope this does not come off as mean as i do not know your nor you know me, but do what you need to do. move at your own pace, and feel what you need too. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let anyone rush you to heal. It may sound mean but because of your son you have become a whole different person who understands and respects a lot more than they should. I wish you the best of luck in your journey wherever it may lead you.

C.

[Claire]

i hope this does not come off as mean as i do not know you nor you know me, but do what you need to do. move at your own pace, and feel what you need too. don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Don't let anyone rush you to heal. It may sound mean but because of your son you have become a whole different person who understands and respects a lot more than they should. I wish you the best of luck in your journey wherever it may lead you.

C.

[Noelle]

My aunt told me about an argument she had with her sister (my mother, embarrassed to admit) recently, in which my mother accussed my aunt of "not being fun anymore, you've changed." And my aunt replied, "That's right. My daughter died."

And that was the end of discussion.

You can listen to everyone else's shit or you can just do what's best for you and your family. Only you know what that is, how you're feeling from minute to minute, and what you, your husband and daughters need.

[Julia]

You're a strong amazing person Shana. No amount of 'I'm sorry for your losses' or 'What can I do for you' will bring Thalon back. There is a place in your heart and it's empty and it just fucking sucks.

You're little girls are lucky to have a mom who understand that they're grieving and a husband who is lucky to have a wife who understands that he's grieving too. Mom's take stuff differently. You lost your son after carrying him inside you. It's a void like no other. No one can set a time table on grief

If you were 'back to normal' in twelve years, that could quite possibly be a-fucking-miracle. You are who you are and how you handle things is different from anyone else handling something. I'm seventeen, I've never lost a child and I hope I never do, but even Ray Charles could see that you're going through something.

Seriously tell these 'well meaning people' to blow it out their asses and you'll deal with it when you deal with it and how you deal with it is your perogative.

Until then. You're in my prayers.
-Julia

[Maria]

Anyone telling you you're doing something wrong can suck a hairy dick.

I can't believe that man gave you attitude. It makes me wonder if the job he has has somehow stripped away some of his humanity.

I think you're immensely strong, Shana. Strong can still cry, and freak out, and break down, and have horrible days. Strong can FEEL.

I wish I could offer more than a virtual hug.

[Lisa Wood]

Shana, I have started to follow you from The Spohrs are Multiplying blog. I do not know you personally but I really feel for you. I think you need to be you. And if anyone doesn't like that, then its none of their business. You lost a baby, a baby boy that you carried for nine months and then went through having him.
I nearly lost my first baby 14 years ago....We came home from hospital on day 5. I placed him in his pram to put his clothes in his wardrobe. I only turned my back for less than five minutes. I still don't know to this day why i did but I turned around to have a look at Hayden and he was blue. He had stopped breathing. We rushed him back to the hospital by ambulance. He was in and out of hospital for the next two months. He went blue on a regular basis. They did a test and he had sleep apnea, which to this day he still has. The doctors have all told me if I had not checked on him, he would be dead. They call it the "silent death" as he just keeps forgetting to breath. This does not make it easy for you, but I hope it ease your pain. Because it is not your fault. Babies are complex beings and do not come with an instruction manual. Know this though, you are the best Mother out there for your babies and they love you. Deal with this the only way you know how. Keep writing, it will help you to be you. Love, hugs and kisses sent from another Mum to you.

[Kyra]

I'm just glad you stood up to the jerk on the phone. I was sitting here reading your conversation and thinking "Oh please, tell him off! PLEASE!"

Do what you have to do. Don't feel judged. Yes, people are judging you, but they always were. It's just that you feel it more than before because you are hurt. Ignore them. You're doing amazingly.

[m]

amen, sista. insomnia is the worst.

i think we all heal/cope on our own terms, despite how we "try" to act.

i commend you for maintaining your sense of humor. i wouldn't have been able to handle that phone conversation (or ANY of this actually). and, like you, i wouldn't be able to rest until i had all the answers... and probably not even then.

still praying for you and your family.

[Anna Marie]

You do whatever you have to do to get through this. The Judgey McJudgersons can go to hell. Hugs.

[serenity]

Alison said it better than I ever could. Whatever gets you through the day.

I am pretty happy you told off that pompous dick, though.

xxx

[BassAckwards Mom]

We went through somethng very similar when my brother died... here's a link to the posts I wrote about him http://mostlybassackwards.blogspot.com/search/label/remembering%20my%20brother He was 39, and died of a severe allergic reaction, one of which he had NEVER had in his life until 1 year prior... he had 3 episodes of sudden onset anaphalaxys and the 3rd one took his life... we also wanted answers, he left behind 2 kids and we needed to know what, if any, other health concerns were present so that we could watch for them in our kids and in his... I also have anaphalaxys (mine was sudden onset as well) and it freaks me the hell out.

The waiting WAS the hardest part in the 'wanting to know' aspect of his death... We were told the SAME as you, 6-12 weeks at first, then that turned into 3-6 months, and when the 4th month rolled around I called EVERY week.... we finally got the information we needed and a full printed medical examiners report (word for word what moves they made during the autopsy) in the mail. We were told we could go over it by phone w/ the actual examiner who did the autopsy on my brother....

Just from one grieving person to another, the autopsy reading was HARD to do... just surround yourself with support once that day comes, because for me, it really did resurface everything. And to read about every organ and every test, really did break my heart. Even though I knew he didn't feel anything, I did - and it made me ache. I'm sorry if that seems a downer, just telling you from my perspective as a sister of a brother who died....

My hugs, thoughts, and prayers are still with you every day.

[Virginia]

As a mom who lost a baby boy too, let me tell you this: you are not the one who is fucked up. (Ok, yes, you are fucked up because this hurts so damn bad, but not what i mean here.) Those other people? Their reactions? That's THEIR issue and they are screwed up. Karma is a bitch (I hope) and it will bite them in the ass one day.

Geez. I don't normally swear in replies to people's posts this much.

You need one year at LEAST to grieve all the lost holidays, birthdays, occasions, firsts. After that, you start to pull your life back together. But I am 5 years out from my loss and I think I only started to get myself back together in the last year or two. But that first year is all about hard grieving, and anyone who tells you to hurry up, move on, get over it...tell 'em where to go.

[Kristi]

Just do whatever it is you have to do to get through this. You have a ton of "cyber" friends that are willing to listen to you scream, yell, and say fuck all you want to. You don't get over something like this in just a month or two or three.
Keeping your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Big hugs.

[Christina]

I do think your situation is fucked so I think that word accurately portrays the situation over all. I am so very sad for you and your lose. I think of you almost every day esp. when I am feeling at my wit's end with my kids - I remember this time is precious no matter what.

You are amazing and strong and weak and sad and all the of things you ought to be, language be damned (heh)! I find swearing very "healthy". It like snapping a clean towel - it feels good to get the wrinkles out before you fold it. Swear away, my dear. You are allowed, amongst other things. As always mental hugs to you.

[Jen]

Please know that so many people are thinking of you and your family every day. You are doing the best you can in a terrible, terrible situation and the fact that you are able to get through the day and take care of your family is nothing short of a testament to your strength. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to get unsolicited advice on top of everything else but everyone else has said it better than I can; just do what you have got to do. Thinking of you guys.

[Shandra]

About 5 weeks after my daughter died I passed a woman in the street. She had about a 4-month old baby in her arms and she looked really upset and tired. She was jiggling the baby a bit impatiently.

Although one part of my brain knew that she was just doing her best, the other part felt almost homicidal. I passed her and I was so, so, enraged. And then I had this flash of hope that maybe she hated her baby so much that she might just turn around and give her baby to me. And then I thought wow, this is crazy-ass shit going on in my head right now. (Plus... would not be MY baby but at that moment I'd've taken any baby.)

All of which is to say, it will not get better and it will also get better. Hanging in there is often the best you can do.

[Monica]

I'm so sorry. I judge you to be doing your best in pretty much the worst situation. Anyone who thinks differently is whack and totally without perspective. I'm pretty sure there's no end date by when you have to finish getting over this, so do what works.

[Stephanie D.]

GF - my heart aches for you! Your post is poignant, honest and yes, even painful to read, but I'm touched and somewhat honored that you share your feelings with all of us here in cyberspace.

You hang in there and cope the best you can! We all support you and love you (even tho we've never met)... and we'll listen to you rant and rave until the cows come home.... WHATEVER helps you and works for you is fine with us.