the doo, doo, doo. the dah, dah, dah. all i want to say to you.

Several of you kind people have emailed me to make sure I haven't OD'd on Red Bull and Vodka or my slight supply of Xanax during my short but yet, lengthy absence from nanospace. Some would be pleased to know, I'm still alive and kicking even if just barely.

For the record, as someone not-so-kindly insinuated last week or the week before - I am not an alcoholic. I don't drink every night, I don't drink during the day and I sure as hell don't drink copious amounts chased with a hand full of pills. Hell, I can't seem to remember to take my blood pressure medication on a regular basis much less plan out some stupid combustion of sorts with unhealthy amounts of drinking and meds. Let's just say, I don't foresee a Heath Ledger event coming my way. If I'm going to die, it's going to be from a stroke while crapping on my toilet. Because, this is how my family dies. We die by medical error, strange viruses and strokes. Nothing so mundane as an drug overdose. Hell, we are too neurotic by nature to makes sure we aren't taking too many Ibuprofen or Tylenol doses as not to have liver failure. We smell ever bite put in our mouths to make sure we aren't eating tainted meat. We analyze every stool sample while perusing Web-MD from our favorites button. Hell, we know about recalls before the FDA knows about them. THAT my friends is how my family rolls. We are a bunch of neurotic anal headcases.

Back to why I haven't had much to say as of late. It seems, EVERYONE I know reads this site and well, I have begun feeling like I have to censor every sarcastic, painful word as not to have it taken out of context. When the shit hit the fan, so to speak with people commenting truly crappy and careless things, I started to re-evaluate what I am doing here. You see, I have no problem with spouting my shit into cyberspace to people I don't know. I know I set myself up for ridicule and criticism for the unknowns out there. I'm fine with not knowing who reads me. But, as of late, more and more people I come in contact with are saying, "hey! did you know so-and-so is reading you now?" People I actually know....This common knowledge has made me start to shart my pants with more massive anxiety. I guess after four years (as of this month) of writing pure mundane drivel, I've been found out. I worry how my blog is going to affect me or my children at their school. I worry that something that gave me such comfort after my Grandmother died with two children under two and a husband that traveled so much for many years has run it's course for me. Mainly, because of the pressure in the back of my tiny pee-brain head does not want to not say something that is going to offend anyone and everyone.

In a nutshell, I am beginning to feel like this isn't my place anymore.

Personally, I would like to go back to the time before Thalon died (really, who wouldn't?). When all I worried about was writing about my fat (phat) ass,  analyzing my condiment obsession (more like hording obsession) and modeling hand-me-down muumuus and hat collections while writing odes to my beloved martini lounge pants and pondering ways to rewrite stupid children's books to my liking. But quite honestly, I have found with all the criticism I have had has turned my way as of late - I'm becoming more like an insolent child. I'm cussing more because it offends while alienating people I know because I'm being way too honest. In my personal space that is not that personal at all.

Simply, I feel I can't go back to being funny at this moment. Quite honestly, I'm just not feeling it right now. I've lost contact from people that used to think I was funny because I know if I were them and I hit this site, I would be thinking the same thing they are thinking. "Geez, not another post about her dead son. Man, this is painful to read. AGAIN! It's been 11 weeks! Isn't she over this yet? Dude, I am. I'm moving on.....DELETE from my feed-reader."

The reality of it all is, this IS my personal space. I pay for it. In more ways than one. Even if the name of this blog was a haphazardly drunken choice four years ago at 11pm on lonely night - it is my personal domain. A domain that should be free from criticism and blame. A place of "working it out on paper/screen" is my therapy. A binge and purge session if you will. Much cheaper than actual therapy in which I have had many a session in the past. Albeit, unsuccessful. A place I should feel comfortable about talking about stupid yet serious crap on. But it is not. At this moment, anyway.

Comments

[Rebecca]

I have this theory, and it is just mine. But your space is yours and you are wholly entitled to put whatever you want on it. If anyone reads it, great, but please don't let their responses or what you think that they might say keep you from posting. Getting your feelings and emotions out is healthy. It is sometimes not pretty, and sometimes not politically correct. Heck, swear, if it makes you feel a bit better. It is your safe place to do it.

I know that you don't know me, but your blog brings out the real, true, honest emotions that we all have, especially if we can even remotely relate to the loss that you have been through. Don't shut down, because you never know who else out there that you might be helping.

[Susan]

So sorry for your pain. I don't know how anyone can get through such a tragedy. I always hesitate saying anything to anyone who has experienced such a loss for fear that I'll say something stupid. And reading the comments from this site assures me I'm right! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet little family.

[Manda]

Yeah, I feel you. As more people start reading your blog you get typecast ... as in "oh! She's so funny!" or "she's a mommyblogger!" and there are so many comments and la-ti-dah comraderie but then the shit hitteth and everyone hides because they can't handle it and they feel all awkward and you're kinda like "well. here I am being brutally honest and no one accepts me. That sucks."

[Seraphim]

If ANYONE even thinks 11 weeks is enough time to grieve, send them to me. Seriously. A lifetime isn't enough time. Whatever you do, I'm one of many who respects your right to do what's right for you. Because at a time when so much is very wrong, it's your choice xxx

[page]

Hell. I'm glad I found you. I'm glad you're honest and quite frankly, I know you not at all. But I get being "found out". Ugh. What a naked feeling that can be.

I hope you keep on keeping on (blogging), here or somewheres else, if it's working for you in any way. The blogosphere would miss the shit out of you, Shana. I know, at least, I would.

[Kandi]

Thank you for being so open. We have suffered loss. Our family has stuffed bears for the children lost to us (We dress them up in the child they are made for's out grown outfits). (And those with us still also)My son in law had (I Have him now) a stuffed gorgeous gorilla since childhood and he is in my bed with my Trevor Bear (Trevor is my Grandson). Your son is the only one not personally known to our family, though we all know him now, that is here. My Grandson turned 5 mos a week ago and I don't know how to say this properly though I want you to know, I have no doubt you sharing your loss with the world is the reason my Grandson is still here. He is a faceplanter. We haven't stopped watching him as in constant hands on since he moved in here. 2 x's now I have watched him from my perch on the computer where he rolls from his back to his stomach, Paci in his mouth and smothers himself. The first time he did it I grabbed him up immediately and the second I watched for a second. He didn't stir, he just stayed that way. breathing cut off. I held him close and sent Thanks to Thalon for having a Mom that shared his story and an apology to him that he had to go to save others. I honestly don't feel like I will feel safe until he is older. I am sorry if this is rambly. I just want you to know, I too wonder how come you had to lose your son. I hope our boys are together enjoying each others company, and wonder if my son is a grown man now or a baby as he was when he left? Hugs and Prayers to you always.

[haitian-american family of three]

I really hope I am not ever "found out" to people in my real life even though I don't get super personal on my blog, it must feel like having your journal published in the local paper. I don't know you but have been reading for awhile and just want to say as a real person to another real person, keep writing if its making you feel better and don't listen to anyone who is being rude in the comment section. You are doing the best you can at this given moment and your family has suffered the worst thing anyone, ever, can experience. If you ever need a place to get away in WA send me an email, we have a tiny cabin five hours from Seattle-a good place to decompress. Take care-

[Sarah]

I hear you, hon. I don't know you. Hell, I live on the other side of the world (not in actual hell, in Australia), but I really love to read what you have to say. No matter what it's about. I don't expect you to "entertain" me, I'm here for the honesty. You are one awesome person.

[Veronica]

I'm sorry people you know IRL are giving you a hard time. It's really the last thing you need.

Keep writing it however you want to. Life isn't all sunshine and roses and humour, sometimes shit sucks. I'll be here, reading and holding your virtual hand.

[lynne]

I don't think you need any more finger pointing and criticism at this point in your life. I am sorry that your safe place to vent has been blown open, I'm even sorrier for the tragedy that has befallen your family. Do what you need to do, but I will remember Gorrilabuns as a strong, dignified, kind-hearted lady.

[Ashley Hast]

Well...although it would totally suck not to read your blog, since I totally "love you", I'd just suck it up and keep praying for you and your family, whether or not you were in the internet universe. Fo'real.

[eden]

... and this is the post I delurk on.

Shauna, I have read every single post of yours, since your magnificent Thalon passed. Every time I click here, I look at your beautiful masthead with your three beautiful children, and think, man, how can he be gone? It's just not fair.

I want to tell you that I think you are one of the most amazing women I have ever "met".

Recently down here in Australia was SIDS Day (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) ... there have been little fluffy toys and red bracelets for sale everywhere. I bought a heap, in memory of Thalon.

I hope you don't stop blogging here. Mate, like a fuckwit I decided to blog in my real name ... now most of my posts are so un-pc and inappropriate but I don't care. I blog for me. It makes me feel better. I'm blogging now while things are good, but I'm sure they will turn shit again soon.

Blogging saved my arse last year .... I get a few trolls and a few tsk tsks, but it only makes me want to blog MORE, like, tourettes.

I think you are fucking incredible. I think you are handling this so amazingly well. You're awe-inspiring, real, honest, and raw. You are so broken and yet so strong at the same time.

Sending you some peace and light. (So sorry for the epic comment)Eden xox

[Hazel]

I've been reading your blog since right before you gave birth to Thalon. I'm not sure how I found you, but I do enjoy your honest, heartfelt writings. This is the first time I am posting a comment and I do want to say how sorry I am for your tragic loss of that sweet baby boy. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Do whatever you need to do for you and your family. There are many here that support you. As to those who leave hurtful or negative comments, they are so unhappy with themselves and their own lives. Please just try to ignore them. Take good care of yourself and your precious family.

[Tamara]

When someone who's life has been torn apart, can't write what they are thinking, on their own blogs for fear of recrimination, then the world is a very sad place indeed.

Keep Writting. For as long as your write. I will read. I can't bring back your beautiful son, or heal your broken heart, but i can read. And I will. Every tear, every heartbroken word of it, I'll read.

[Emily]

I so very much hope that this was not your last post ever. I too can't remember how I got to your blog, but have been reading it for a while now, since before Thalon was born. I, like many of your readers, cried for the little boy that I never met and his mother who I also never met but feel like I know in some small way because of this blog.
If writing makes you feel better, then you should continue it. If it doesn't or you are worried about people's reactions, etc then of course you should stop. But you will be so sorely missed!!

[Kwan]

Keep on writing whatever you like. This is your blog and your are entitled to write how you feel. You have to mourn your child whatever way you wish, nobody can tell you how to mourn. I know you will think of Thalon everyday for the rest of your life. If your friends start to judge you, that only means they are no more your friends. If anyone that doesn't like what you write, they can always choose to NOT read your blog. Usually people judge another to make themselves feel good and validate their own choices. Just ignore them. Keep up with your writing and God Bless You.

[Barb]

I am a lurker who would just hate to see you not write,its therapy for you and quite honestly the most honest raw true blog I read, I would miss your honesty terrible could you password protect?

whatever your decision I will leave here having known one of the most beautiful honest people in cyber land and I thank you for that xo

[Rah]

Also de-lurking in the interest of encouraging you to keep on being who you are. It's your blog, and no one, NO ONE, is entitled to take that from you. Ignore the thoughtless people who write comments they would never say to your face if they were standing in your living room. Your understandably raw feelings are completely appropriate under the circumstances. It's difficult to say anything that doesn't sound trite, but just know that many of us are with you in spirit and supporting you in thought and prayer. Hugs.

[Nicole]

God, but people can be assholes. I can't imagine your having to deal with this on top of everything else you're trying to deal with. I think if you stopped writing it would be a huge loss, but you have to do what is best for you. I, too, get very nervous when "RL" people tell me that they read my blog. It doesn't seem right. I guess what I'm trying to say is that whatever you decide to do, just make it the right decision for YOU. If it makes you feel better to blog about Thalon, blog away. If you want to shut it all down, do that. But don't let other people make the decision for you. Fuck 'em. Really.

[Hallie]

Screw them all. 11 weeks seems like the tip of the grieving iceberg. You lost your child, not your car keys.

You keep saying what you need to say, how and when you need to say it.

Hallie

[Michele]

This is your site. Dont let anyone take that away from you. People choose to read and, if asked, should NOT read without your permission. I for one don't tired of reading whatever you post, be it about Thalon or about vodka or anything else! I made a disclaimer to my husband when I started blogging that it was mine and that if someone IRL stumbled on it and was hurt or shocked, that was their problem and not mine. I wouldnt censor so that someone else could feel better. I think you should write what you want, write what you need, and the rest of the world be damned.

[Julie Shaner]

People just need to get a life. If they don't like the way you write then don't read it. I have not been in your shoes, don't pretend to know how you feel but appreciate your HONEST writing. Hang in there and do what you need to do for you not what everyone thinks you should do.

[sassy]

I can understand it being hard having random people you know in real life read your thoughts here. I had a blog a couple of years ago that I deleted for that very reason. Now some people are starting to find out about the one I have now. I don't know if I'm doing better or if I'm just stupider, for the moment I don't really care.

I love your writing and your honesty. I'm sorry you don't feel fully free to express yourself here at the moment. But reading it, it does seem like you're doing an effing good job at remaining true.

I do wish we could go back to the time before Thalon died, not because I'm tired of hearing about it, but maybe to bring him back.

[3carnations]

Can typepad blogs be made private? If so, maybe you need to do that, and either make it for your eyes only, or for a handful of internet folks of your choosing that you don't have to see and deal with on a daily basis.

I'd hate to see you give it up completely, because I thinking blogging is good for you, even if no one but you can read it.

[Gwen Jackson]

Maybe you could start another blog that's anonymous? (Of course you'd need to give me the new url :) I know how it feels to watch every word. I have people in my life reading my blog too and I'm really not able to express the things I want to express without personal consequences. I don't write a blog because I want people to worry about me or worse institutionalize me in a drug rehab or mental health facility. Anyway, I really enjoy reading your blog. You have a beautiful way of keeping your sense of humor in the face of horrible tragedy. Your writing is amazing. I would NEVER think you shouldn't talk about your son or that it's boring. I would be surprised if he didn't come up in a blog because I'm sure he's on your mind every second of every day. I think it's important to talk about him and what he meant to you. This is your journey. It's a painful one, but it's still your experience. What you are going through and you being honest about those emotions could help someone else. Please, please, please don't stop writing. If it's therapeutic then you need to do it. Either do it on here or if it's not comfortable to you on here find another place to express your feelings and thoughts (just please bring me with you, ok?)