hoarding the ironic shit - literally

There are two words in The English Dictionary that make my husband cringe while scratching his eyeballs out with toothpicks as levers when used incorrectly.

#1 Irony or Ironic

#2 Literally

Both words are used so often to explain anything and everything - mostly incorrectly.

For example: "The infamous Alanis Moriessette song."

Actually Alanis, "rain on your wedding day" isn't ironic when in fact, you just have plan ol' simple shitty luck or it could also mean you are going to have a crap-load of children in your future. That is if you are into wise-tales.

"It's meeting the man of my dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife." Seriously? This means you are another sucker for man who probably isn't acting like he's married. Regardless of the absence of a wedding ring. Believe me. I know a little something about this....

Literally: "I was so literally hot sitting in my stranded car."

Don't get me wrong. I don't know shit about punctuation and sentence construction but at times, I do have a sense of clarity. Especially when my husband is screaming at the T.V. when Natalie says "literally" like, 10 times in a conversation.

Now, I try not to use the word as not to affront my husband and his delicate sensibilites.

A true example of irony:

Trading in a car in which you are paying car payments on top of monthly repairs at an exorbitant amount. You get the "check engine" light turned off and pray that it doesn't decide to fuck up when you trade this pile in for a 'new and improved' vehicle.

The irony here? The new car you have owned for three weeks decides it's funny and wants to go all "Christine" on your ass and flash it's sadistic check engine light at you just when you think life is going to turn around for once.

Okay, maybe this isn't ironic as much as Karma biting me in the ass.

Literally.

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After watching a marathon of "Hoarders", I realize while I may keep a little too much food in my pantry and have a plethora of shit I should give away since I'm not 17 anymore, I really don't have as much of a problem as I once thought. I mean, shit! I throw away food before it expires and well, I do donate shit bi-weekly just so to get rid of stuff we don't need anymore. Most importantly, I'm tired of stepping on crap and every once in awhile I DO have to follow-thru with my threats to my children of trashing strewn about toys.

You know what would really be interesting?  Is if I 'anonymously' gave this show my father's address in Texas and had them check out his digs. They would have a bonifide show on their hands if they saw the stacks of shit he walks around or hops around on a daily basis. Oh, to complete this picture you would also have to have "The 700 Club" blaring in the background from the T.V., with a creepy ferret ready and poised to jump on your head at a moments notice. Basically, words can not begin to describe how, why and what my bi-polar, schizophrenic Father's house looks like at any give time.

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I've come to the realization, I don't know how to spell Moira's middle name. Is it Vaughn or Vaughan? I could blame my memory issue on my husband since he blurted it out to the staff after I had her and I was on Percocet and well, I didn't wholeheartedly agree on the name but let's face it, she's been on this earth 4.5 years. Shouldn't I know this pertinent info? or maybe, I'm in denial that when you say her name fast four times, she sounds a little too German for my taste.

Comments

[page]

My trigger word these days is "honestly" . I hear "Honestly, (blah blah blah)" so much that my friend and I walk around saying "DIShonestly, (blah blah blah)...." which makes us feel somewhat better.

But I still want to choke a bitch when I hear it.

I get that kind of irony, BTW. That kind of stuff seems to happen to my husband all of the time, and it's starting to happen to me too. Ugh, ugh, and ugh. You could use a break, for cripes sakes!

[haitian american family of three]

Heh. I can't spell my kids middle name either.

[Kristie]

Literally. Actually. Honestly. Really. Totally.

I use all of these words WAY too much. I know it ... I see myself doing it ... I read what I type .... then am helpless to stop myself.

Maybe there is a 12-step program for people like me?

[Lynn from For Love or Funny]

Dang. Your new old car isn't supposed to do that sort of thing. Honestly, I think you should literally dump the car and buy a brand NEW one. Wouldn't that be ironic?

[Bree]

Rain on your wedding day = crap load of kids Hmmm...

While my husband & I were saying our vows it started pouring rain. A beautiful sunshiney day & BOOM! rain.... that would explain the 4 kids that popped up over the next 7 years :oP

I hear lots of misused ironic's & literally's, irritates me to no end. Did anyone go to school & learn to use them properly?

[Vicky]

My new least favorite word is Seriously. I'm sorry, I do think you used it up there, and I'm not pissed off about it or anything. But, I do think it's getting way over-used in the world today. Just sayin'.

Oh and one other thing,,, I hate cars.

[Tracy]

Well, was she named after Stevie Ray? :-)

My 10 yr old uses "literally" All. The. Time. This is after we got her to stop saying everything was "awkward."

Sorry about the car. That IS ironic. And sucky.

[flurrious]

I saw a book review recently where the reviewer said that the book was so good that she was "literally reading it a page at a time." Yep, that's the way to do it.

[Rhi]

I've been tempted to turn my Uncle into Hoarders. I can just picture him screaming, "BUT THAT WILL BE WORTH MONEY ONE DAY," as they pitch his shit into a dumpster.

[Stacie]

I admit to overuse and abuse "literally", "seriously", and adding "frankly" to the list. Sorry. And, Tracy, my 10 year old uses "awkward" constantly too! Where did that come from?!

No matter how you spell it, I really like Moira's middle name... it's different and has a really nice ring to it.

[Michele]

Totally... That word gets under my skin. As in "Oh, I totally get it." "He is totally crazy." "I totally dont understand". UGH!!!

I use "ugh" way too much and I've been known to say "right" too many times. Perhaps I should judge the "totally" people of the world...

[Lindz]

I could at a litany of words that are used incorrectly seeing as I am surrounded by high school students every day. The phrase that bugs me (but isn't used incorrectly) is "at the end of the day" I am so TIRED of that phrase.

[little miss mel]

My grandmother's maiden name was Vaughan, so go with that one. ;)

I find myself being a valley girl more than I should. Like, like, like, like TOTALLY!

[Kristabella]

So I saw on the feeds that Natalie was all "America probably hates me because I was aligned with Jesse and they don't like Jesse." And I'm all "No, America hates you because you're a LYING BITCH with an annoying voice!" UGH! HATE HER!

I watched Hoarders for the first time yesterday. I've discovered the new diet fad - watch this show and then be skinny because you'll NEVER EAT AGAIN. I haven't had an appetite since I watched it. That woman with the food grossed me out FOR YEARS! Literally.

[Tracy]

Oooh, Stacie! I wonder what TV show our kids are watching that has a character who says "awkward" all the time.

[Tiffany]

Add fabulous to that list. I think it now means "I am going to lie and say fabulous when I think it's shit." Literally. Or air quotes. I better stop now.

[H]

I totally love this post. Heh. I, too, hate most of the words you and the commenters have identified. I hate Natalie and her voice with a passion - even her whispering annoys me! I saw Hoarders for the first time last night (I watched 2 hours of it) and I found myself feeling sick, or stressed, or something. It was so disturbing. I watch Intervention regularly and I thought that show showed the sick side of life that I don't see myself. Now, however, Intervention seems like nothing. Yeesh.

[Aunt Becky]

I hate anyone who uses any variation of blog/blogging. Like this, "I was feeling sad so I blogged on my bloggy blog."

I also hate this migraine that I cannot get rid of. LITERALLY.

[Zakary]

Hoarders scares the shit out of me.

Intervention reminds me of my twenties.

I like Moira's name. Vaughn/Vaughan is completely bad ass.

[Suze]

I like to watch "Hoarders" to feel all superior as I don't keep yogurt in the garage until it swells. I told my husband that perhaps when he and I pass, we should just right in the will to burn the house down. It will save people a lot of trouble sifting through our crap.

[Suze]

And in "right" I meant "write". Too busy being smug to notice the spelling. Damn it.

[Megan]

It's ok..my dad didn't even know how to spell my middle name and fought me about it until I whipped out the birth certificate around 16. It's as simple as "is there an E on the end of Anne or not?" no need to fight about it. oh yeah speaking of names, I tweeted you today about the book I just finished having a character named Celia in it..never seen it before except on your blod.

[Megan]

and by "blod" i mean blog

[Vicky]

Oh Good God Megan, I totally (sorry) forgot about this until I read your comment. My freaking parents mispelled my name (my first name!!!) on their trust documents. They only have 2 kids for God's sakes!! When my mom passed and my dad decided to put her kids' names on the back of her headstone, I told him "YOu better spell my name right. I would hate to see you out there with a chisel fixing it!!!"

[m]

do they give percs to everyone after giving birth?

i want some!