the seventh day

In the bible, the seventh day is supposed to represent a day of rest. In my case, the Sabbath or otherwise in numerical order of events, represents my inability to follow through to wishes, wants,expectations and desires. Going to church, staying off my meds, staying sane....

It seems on the seventh day of "forgetting" to take, refill or by all means ignoring the need of my antidepressant meds, I fall. Hard. This isn't the first time. Surely not the last.

Here, I think I can beat it all and forget about this shit medicine because I don't feel like it's doing any good then, BAM!!! I'm forcefully slung to the ground and pummeled to death with emotions in which I can't control.

Well, I seem to do 'okay' in public until I can go into my closet and wither. Otherwise? I try. I then realize, SHIT! This crap-assed medicine must be doing more for me than I thought, other than making me fatter. Needless to say, I refilled my Prozac today and popped the capsule in the pharmaceutical line of illusion. Praying that I don't have to wait seven more days to feel in control.

Silly girl....control is just that - an unattainable word.

My husband is visiting a friend in Rhode Island. Hiking, laughing, getting away from everything. While I'm happy for him, I'm both sad and lonely. My personal counselor/confidant/partner-in-this-muck is gone. The warm body who may love or hate me in the middle of the night is away and I'm left to be the end-all-be-all for the girls right now. This discovery makes me feel foolish and horrible that I left him a month after Thalon died to visit friends - to get away. To feel real when everything is and was so unreal.

I'm such a selfish bitch because now? six months later? I'm sad he's gone to escape and I'm left to deal with reality. Remnants of thoughts, spirits and emotions haunting our house for me to deal with alone. Children bereft with emotion, sadness, and sleep walking episodes. Yes, I guess, it's all about me. me.mememememememme! How annoying.

Though, many a friend has kept me and the girls QUITE occupied - no one can keep the thoughts from roaming, while my eyes and mind wonder to pictures and stare at the phone as it rings. Both wanting to answer it and not. Because I'm so tired. So tired of pleasing everyone.

Tired of arguing with my youngest that her name is fucking Moira, not Lily. Tired of my oldest wanting her body glued to mine when I go to the motherfucking bathroom because she can't stand me being out of her sight for a minute. Only a GD minute! Tired of dealing with being frustrated and angry at EVERYONE; including God, Buddha, and idols alike. Tired of being jealous that everyone else has a stroller to push but me. (Well, I do have a stroller but I sure would look like a stupid fool if I pushed an empty stroller around with everyone else's complete ones.) Tired of wondering.... wondering what everything would be like....if. only if. Tired of staring at dead flowers and wanting to burn pictures to erase images and memories out of my mind.

From the very quotable words of my mother, "I (meaning her) totally need to take a tranq right now." More like an elephant tranq (tranquillizer) to calm the fuck down. 

Otherwise, I'll haphazardly jump out of my skin, house and ship.

Comments

[haitian american family of three]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep on taking the rx, I know from personal experience they do help a tiny bit and that tiny bit is the difference between leaping off the cliff and staring out the window dreaming of the leap.

[missy]

At this very moment in time, I am in the exact same state of mind as you. Take from that what you will. And amen to your mom, couldn't have said it better.

[Zakary]

Damn, Momma.

That's all I got.

Hugs.

[Michele]

I second Zakary's post. Damn...

And no, you arent a bitch for leaving a month after to get away. Nor are you a bitch for wishing he was with you now and not on his little getaway.

[Shannon Kieta]

I am here again, as I always will be, because I have no friends...and God, this time, for a small sec...it's about mememememememe!(ha!) I LOVE! being here for you, eventhough we have never met, I feel a connection. I have never lost a child, but I am very sympathetic. Almost to the point to where I cry every time I read your blog, or look at Thalon's picture's. Because I put myself in your place and CAN'T imagine what your going through. I don't repeat myself because I feel it is necessary to do so for looks...I do so to remind you how WONDERFUL I think you are! You are remarkable of how far you have come! Me? I don't know that I could have gotten this far. If it takes a ton of med's, so be it. I know it sucks to live on chemicals, but hell, I live on them for Rheumatoid Arthtitis and DDD w/Fibromyalgia (yeah, I'm ALL fucked up!), and it's depressing but I need them to motivate. Leaning on your husband is what you are supposed to do, that is why we married them! Why do you think I have mine around? Hmmmm? He is so busy working (he is a Nurse Practitioner), I am surprised he has time for me and the kids! But when he does...we suck it all in! I know words don't cut it sometimes, and hearing this over and over sounds like a bunch of horse-shit, but it comes from my heart. I truly sympathize with you. I just wish we lived closer...I could be a lot better friend. Take care...as always, I am here! Shannon

[a]

Ignore me if you think I'm full of shit, but it sounds to me like you're entering a different phase. Like when your foot falls asleep, and it's all numb, and then you move it? It tingles and hurts and annoys the hell out of you. So, it seems to me that you may be leaving the numb portion of grief behind, and reawakening all of your other emotions. But the predominant one that gets expressed is irritability. So, yes, painful and unpleasant to experience, but progress nonetheless.

Anyway, hope the meds kick in quickly.

[lisa wood]

scream if it helps...forget to please every one at the moment..please yourself, and guess what? its about you and your family so don't make apologies for "mememememe" because you so have a right to be mad, sad, and wondering what if. You have every right to feel what you feel, and that is what it is.
Maybe trying to calm down will happen when its meant to happen, maybe try a soothing tea? or better still just go with the flow.
Gee you are so amazingly strong. Not sure if i could be that honest with my feelings.
You go girl....and hey if the medicine works, then its meant to be.
I was on medicine for PND after my second was born, and was on it for over a year...with having to slowly wean myself of it. So don't be beating your self up about needing a pill, because sometimes we all need the help we can get.
Love you and your family from across the ocean..
Keep being you
Lisa

[~Michelle~]

Just a thought ...

"Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present!"

I pray you can find a way to enjoy all the presents coming your way ... with a little help from meds, no doubt! ;o)

Take care, Shana. Your family is never far from my thoughts, and always in my prayers.

~Michelle

[Tracy]

Being sad that he has temporarily escaped, and you're dealing with reality on your own? That's not selfish. That's human.

And, on a related note... if you decide to look into infertility treatment, I have experience with both of the big IF clinics in OKC if you'd like to talk.

[layla]

i love you.

[LAH]

**HUGS**

[Virginia]

Normal. Normalnormalnormal.

I know that doesn't help much, but you are. And I am seriously pro-meds; been on them for (gah!) about 16 years now myself. Holy hell, didn't realize it was that long. But I think I'd be dead without them.

Hugs to you, sister. Keep on hanging on.

[Katie]

I'm really proud of you, that you are still slogging through, dealing honestly with the shit hand you've been dealt. If anyone gives you hell for what you write here, they can just suck it. If it helps you cope, keep it up. You worry about YOU and your family. Hate that you have to deal with this.

[mrsj]

As always, I admire your honesty. And as always, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep on keepin' on.

[Amanda]

Okay, so basically everyone's said what I would say, especially Shannon. I don't leave a comment b/c I feel like I have to, I do it b/c I'm thinking of you and want you to know that. I'll never forget you, or Thalon. You have every right to be selfish right now. If it wouldn't spark snarky comments, I'd tell you to have a drink or two, try to relax and keep on taking the meds. You need to take care of yourself.

[Marie]

I'm completely admire your honesty, you say everything that I feel...and am to coward to say. It will be one year that I lost my Mia to SIDS in 12 days and well I'm going freakin crazy...Every thought you so bravely post on here is helping me see that i'm not freakin crazy for thinking the way I do...
I'm sorry that you are going through this, but can honestly say that I know how you feel and girl you freakin rock. Keep writing...
you are helping others and you don't even know it...
Marie

[sue]

Nothing special to add to what everyone else has said. Just know we are all here for you, if for nothing else than to listen.

[little miss mel]

Ok, the part about Moira wanting to be called Lily made me laugh out loud. DUDE, I can imagine how irritating it would be to hear something so "outlandish" OVER AND OVER AND OVER again. Sweet, sweet girl. :)

You thinking getting out of town early on was selfish, but Rich knew you NEEDED it, as you know he needs this now. It was fucking fun, wasn't it? I still get a small hangover sometimes when I think about it. :D

[Angella]

Just sending you love and hugs, Shana. Love and hugs.

[Fluffycat]

I've had that problem often, running out of meds, since I'm oh so disorganized about ordering refills. What I generally do is take one every other day until I know the refill is coming in. Takes time to get back into it, but they do help a lot.

[Jennifer]

Don't stop taking the pills. Withdrawal is one of the worst things a depressed person can go through. Believe me, I've tried numerous times to go off of them. I've just come to accept that I will be on pills for a long time.

As to how you are feeling about hubby being away, when he comes back why don't you start planning a getaway together in the near future? Give yourselves time to relax together and get away from reality together.

Just a thought..... {{{hugs}}}

[lynne]

I don't have any words of wisdom to help I wish their was a way out of this hell for you. Keep on taking the pills for now, try and be gentle with yourself.

[Aunt Becky]

Fuck, yo. Shit.

[Kristin]

I remember the day I crashed after I had weaned off the meds, thinking I was doing so good that why do I need them? About a month or so later, I remember feeling my brain slip into that murky no-logic zone where I could, again, see the edge of Crazy. And the suckiest thing about it was not that I was headed toward the edge of Crazy, but that huh, my brain IS really not okay after all. A rather crappy feeling. So I started on them again and huh, that edge of Crazy is just a fuzzy horizon now.

[Emily Ufkes]

A hug and a kiss on the cheek. For you.