good grief

I should be happy with the end of my maturational years resulting in three, two beautiful children in our midst but sadly, I am not. I have three, two relatively healthy and happy children. Children I would give life and limb for their lives, health and subsequent happiness. Children I truly feel grateful for being a part of their lives but in the end I am left wanting and yearning. I'd say for a third child but since we've already traveled down this fucked up, non-paved, dead-end road of confusion, I'm wanting another chance. Just ONE MORE FUCKING CHANCE! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,I SWEAR! I'LL DONATE MY EARTHLY PLEASURES TO CAPTURE ONE MORE CHANCE OF HAPPINESS! To feel complete as both a woman and as a mother.

It seems based on medical testing, naturally, I'm on the road to ruin and dilapidated sludge. Basically, I'm not 20 anymore. Who knew after carelessly throwing caution to the wind and successfully dropping eggs on the lawn of pleasure and paradise like an Easter bunny on a massive frenzied drug induced chase - the eggs I now have left have been left sitting in the hot and stuffy glove compartment a tad too long. Long enough to emit a gaseous presence but just that. Spoiled and overly ripe and well, not perfect.

After receiving such awesomely mind-numbing news this week minutes before a Girl Scout function that my FSH is now over the legal limit to operate a vehicle after sun down under the right road conditions - I now have the option of going to an infertility specialist. To, I don't know, charge us a fuck-load in tests, shoot me full of more hormonally imbalanced shit into my cavernous cavity of unstable negative/positive corroded battery charges. In essence, I've received the dreaded news. I'm old as fuck and if I have the mental stability and drive, I can continue onto another path of more frustration and despair. 

Quite honestly, this road trip I've been traveling for these past fews months is making me car sick  for me to accept and all I really want to do is get off this mother fucking ghoulish merry-go-round and travel a path of absolutes and certainties. A path I know that has been covered up in brambles and dried leaves with small twigs leading a way only noticeable to the lucky little leprechauns where their fine fortunes may be hidden for their freakish ever-knowing families to only relish in. Not available to people like me. Man, I really fucking hate those creepy fucking Keebler elves. and their fucking shitty cookies.

So now, I enter a new uncharted territory of pain, grief and suffering. Holidays have started to arrive with a vengeance. Painfully, I watch my husband trying to grasp someone else's child who is two months older than Thalon and I find myself turning away from response a- both for himself and myself. Trying to keep the "situation" light, normal and well, non-creepy. Mainly because if I didn't like these people so much, I would steal their beautiful child. "My Steadfast friend," you know I'm only slightly joking here. I didn't steal him when I watched him a few weeks ago. Personally, I hope you or no other person I know has to go through this hot and cold grief. Grief that comes out of no where. Hyperventilated sentences mixed with hysterical crying over the most bullshit of situations known to man because you can't find a parking place or you don't know what the fuck everyone else's thinking but only yourself. Because, truly, my mind can only take so much tension and complication. Choosing the "correct" brand of Chocolate milk sends me into the corner of the butter aisle - sucking my thumb for someone to make a GD decision so I don't have to.  So, if you are asking me if I'm on edge of a very rusty and overused razor long ready for disposable, then yes, I am. My husband is on the proverbial edge and my girls are on the edge but way too smart to get too close. I feel they are the only ones that have a chance of escaping all of this with only a minor year or two years of therapy. To me? This sounds like good news and sadly, I think they are the most sane of us all.

I do believe my husband and I would like to "check out" from the next few months of festivities of joy, celebrations, would-be celebrations and well, remembrances. Remembrances that I feel will completely kill me when they get here because, quite honestly, I don't know how we are going to make it through it all in one piece or at the very least slightly cracked - even Super Glue may not be strong enough to fix.

  

Comments

[Neil]

Not sure how to comment on this one. Let me just say hi to you. I liked your Halloween costume! I hope the holidays aren't as hard as you think they will be. They don't have to be that way.

[Avoiceofmyown]

Sometimes the holidays suck plain and simple. Some years I revel in them, others I can't wait for December 26th to hurry the hell up and arrive. So far I am indifferent this year. I know this is probably the most useless and lame advice I can offer but from what I’ve read and heard when the pressure to conceive is off and you relax couples conceive. I know this time of year it is almost impossible to relax, especially when you have kids that actually know what Christmas is. I hope that the next two months fly by and your able to get some peacefulness in. What do/did you do to relax? Maybe it’s time to take in some “me” time for yourself and think about you for an hour a week. Do what makes you happy.

[Alison]

Like Neil, I don't know how to comment on this. And like avoiceofmyown, I think it's time for you to take some time for yourself. Wish I had some words of my own to give you. "Hang in there" seems so lame.

[a]

So, um, why don't you check out of the holiday festivities? While it may be the year everyone remembers (because you were all grief-stricken), it shouldn't be. We only remember the stressed out, crazy holidays, not the ones that were perfect or perfectly nice. There's no good reason to waste your energy on celebrating - you need that energy to minimize the years your girls spend in therapy. :)

Good luck on the next portion of the road. I think it will be a rocky one, but I also think you can ease your way through somehow.

[Alicia @ bethsix]

If I knew you in real life, I'd give ya a hug (and if you knew me in real life, you'd know I'm really not the hugging type). Thinking of all of you.

[180]

Oh mama! I actually thought about all of this earlier today and considered what you might be feeling in a few weeks time. :( I can't pretend like it's all going to be just fine because I know it's going to be a huge challenge... but I do know that I will be (as well as everyone else here) lifting you up and giving you strength over these next few months. I know you can get through it. I love you and will be here in any capacity that you need me. xoxo

[andy]

oh shana, i'm sorry...

that's all i have, this sucks like fuck.

my thoughts are with you often, i welcome any and all venting shit you throw our way.

do what you have to do for your girls over the next few months.

hang on by your fingernails through the holidays for all your kids...you've come to this point, i know you can get past december 25th for them.

that sounds gay when i'm trying to be comforting and inspirational.

kind of like the time i was crying while in labour and my husband (ex) tried to give me courage by telling me to "suck it up".

no shit.

i wish i could come and do something for you. like, even your dishes. and i hate dishes.

love to you and yours,

andrea

[Kirsten]

Your honesty and emotion is gut wrenching. I wish I had something to say that would make you feel even the tiniest bit better. You don't know me from Adam but I really like Stonyfield Farms chocolate milk.

[ldmimage]

Love you...

[Tina]

Flarg. I wish I had the words, but, of course, I don't. I agree with the "check-out-of-the-holidays" option listed above. I know you have to do something for the girls, & you can...but is there somewhere you could GO to get all of you out of the house & just AWAY for a week or so? You can't escape the memories, of course, but then you wouldn't even have to pretend about decorating or anything if you weren't going to be there.

*pet pet pet*

[Noelle]

Raw. Honest. Beautiful. Heart-wrenching.

There's no denying how painful this season will be. Do what you have to do for the girls, and nothing more. You don't have to buy gifts for anyone but them. Who cares about cards, decorations, and all the other holiday trappings. None of that matters, and you don't owe any explanations to anyone. Check out to whatever degree you have to.

I so wish there was something I could say, a magic wand, a prayer, anything to lessen your pain. Lot of hugs, love, and prayers being sent your way.

[Missy]

Keep on Keeping on. You will make it. In the words of the Beatles " there will be an answer, let it be." I think another baby will happen when your body is ready. I was adopted because my mother couldn't have children, she got me, relaxed and bam, she had a baby that they said would be impossible for her. Try to get through the holidays as easily as possible, buy some Nestle's Quick, and nature will work it out. Because your a good person and you deserve a break. Love to you and yours.

[cindy]

I second the notion of taking a trip or getting away for the holidays - then you can skip all the family parties, decorating, etc, all those familiar routine things that make it more apparent what's different this year - you don't need that kind of holiday. Make new memories on a trip somewhere, maybe even a new tradition of taking a trip each year - something to look forward to instead of dreading the old routine things. Don't sit in some relative's house with them all feeling sorry for you and giving you that pity look - ugh. Hugs to you and your family, you are strong and will find a way through.

[Sarah]

Can I just say that amid the horror your metaphors RULE! I particulary loved "this fucked up, non-paved, dead-end road of confusion". And I'm not one of those people that is going to say that your holidays don't have to be awful. OF COURSE your holidays are going to be awful! I guess some things you just have to hold your breath for. And slug a few beers.

[edenland]

Shana. Fuck it. FUUUUUUUCK IT. Pencil some smiles on you and your hubby, only for the sake of your girls on Christmas Day. Go through the motions. Do the bare minimum. When I first got clean and sober, my sponsor said the BEST thing to me at the time ... "if it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

Just scrape by. Fake the fuck out of new year. Happy? What's so motherfucking happy about it??

My kids have seen me fall apart on so many occasions I've lost count. I always talk about it to them, whoopsies! Mummy's having a bad day! Let's order a pizza! They are fine - I know that.

I LOVE your honesty and raw strength.

I do not know what you are going through - but I'm just so sorry that you are going through it.

And, if that yearning for a baby gets so big, and you decide to go through assisted fertility treatments, I'm your man, can totally support you. (I did IVF in 07).

Keep writing it out.

I hear you, and think you're motherfucking amazing.

XOXOXOXO

[laura]

I know that my sorry equals crap but if I could hug you I would and the rest of the family. I'm so with edenland your are motherfucking amazing. love, hugs and peace always.

[Susan]

I'm so sorry for your pain and really don't know what to say to make it any better. While I was reading your post, a comment that you made a while back popped into my mind. Didn't somebody tell you that your FIRST son would die?? Does that mean that you'll have more sons?? I would take that as a 'yes you will.' Also, this will either give you some hope or scare the living shit out of you but I spent my 40th birthday pregnant with a 10 pound baby. They even make GREETING cards saying something to the effect of 'Don't be sad that it's your 40th birthday, just be happy that you're not 40 and pregnant.' You and your family are in my prayers.

[Joy]

Shana

I have been reading your posts for months now. I have wanted to say so much, but at the same time I also know that in the end none of it changes your pain.

When we lost our son, I checked out for about a year. I kept up with friends in a minimal manner - yep we're alive, yep we will get together. Other than that I did what I felt up to and not much else.

The holidays that first year were hard and sad. I refused to let our lil man be forgotten so I found ways to include him. He has a stocking that we hang in his honor, we find an Angel on the tree to buy gifts for that is his age. Just little things, it is in no way even close to having him with us but it is our way of honoring him, saying we love you and are thinking of you. This will be our 4th year without him and we still do these things. My 9 year old still makes cards and pictures telling him we are thinking of him. It may bother some of friends but I truly don't care, he is part of us.

Do what you want to for Christmas. Don't put on a big production for anyone because in the end it will just make it worse. Tell people I am sorry but we need to keep it simple this year, if they are your friend they will understand.

[Shannon Kieta]

Okay Shana...Here goes...
I have 20 years of no good health care experience and had my two kiddos at 37 and 39; and had a trouble getting pregnant with both. I don't believe in lab test(since I am a Lab tech!) and it all boils down to the older you get, the longer it takes...It's all about timimg! And stress is a HUGE factor (as I said before). So, with you stressing on time, and age, you are pushing yourself waaaay too much. I told you before to buy an ovulation kit, pack a bag, steal your husband, book a flight and find a sitter, go away for a few days. If all else fails...invitro! Hell, Molly Ringwald was 45 when she TWINS!!!! I will be praying for you. SHannon

[Sarah]

Shana, I am so sorry - the shock of going from never having to try to get pg to being told "good luck with that, you're getting old and things change!" is harsh enough without it being the frosting on the shit cake of grief you've been trying to choke down since last spring. We've been trying to work through my limitations for just over a year, but I can hardly say I know how you feel with all that you are dealing with.

You're totally allowed to flip out, at any given point - and I do what edenland does, lose it, apologize, buy pizza, repeat as necessary. I'm sure there are differing opinions out there, but really, kids aren't idiots, and least of all yours. They know life hurts. It won't damage them too badly to know that you love Thalon so desperately that it's going to take some TIME for you to function normally, with more time building slowly before the melt-downs. Just tell yourself "any chocolate milk is good chocolate milk" and try to believe it.

I'd circle the wagons, do only what you truly want/need to do for the girls and Thalon and yourselves. You don't owe anyone else a happy Christmas. Whoever doesn't understand that can suck it. Huge hugs and prayers from one fat-bottomed girl to another! ;)

[Bex]

I don't know what to say, except to offer up some compassion and tears for your lovely family. Take the holidays at half-mast for your little girls, but don't pressure yourself to do too much. One day at a time, right? One horrible, fucked up day at a time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you on the fertility front. A baby can only bring with it hope and healing--and bring it faster--but time will bring its own healing with or without the help of another child. You will never be whole again, of course not, but you will heal, we humans do that (often without our consent and always with scars). Still, it's worth trying and not giving up, so long as you don't let it consume you so much that should it not happen you open yourself up for more grief (realizing as I write this how impossible that is).

No matter what you decide to do, we are listening. And offering advice that probably doesn't help, but is offered with the best of intentions. And hoping. Always hoping.

[Serena Beltz]

A hotel room in a large city for the holidays (maybe Christmas)where you can "celebrate" with room service and remain anonymous as you want. Long walks to see the holiday decor--no commitments--just time with you, hubby and the girls. Maybe even a snowball fight or two if you're so inclined.

Grief is a strange thing--and the hardest part is, it can rear it's ugly head, at any time, even while trying to pick out the "right" chocolate milk. The holidays only add to that--for a lot of people I know, including myself who haven't gone thru the hell you have but have lost someone significant in their lives. You're not alone--I know that sounds like a cliche, but you're not and it looks like majority says, "get out of dodge" for the holidays, even for just a day or two.

Stay strong--XOXO from the frigid Windy City.

[layla]

shit.

[little miss mel]

You're so right. This sucks. All of it.

We'll be here when it gets too much to consume.

(Your words are amazing, btw.)

[Dawn]

When you lose someone who is such a huge part of your heart you look around on a regular basis and want to scream "Why are you people acting like nothing is different"? Everything has shifted for you and your family. And I would guess that "normal" after such a horrible loss is going to be some variation of the past. Sometimes a change of pace is good. Listen to your heart and do what you feel is right for you and your lovely family.