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One of the most repeated statements I've heard since Easter has been, "You grieve on your own time. Don't let anyone make you do anything that you don't want to do or deal with things you are not ready to deal with."

If only one could live in this magical dream world of screwing what others thought, let life stand-still at her home and mundanely walk around and skate by the items of remembrance. The last vestiges of a life cut too short.

These past seven months have proven to be a testament of how four people can grieve so differently. Some hide their heads like a turtle in it's unclean shell, others tell everyone and anyone all the information and more - most skewed and incorrect because they are too young to know any differently or able to assimilate the vast jagged shrapnel left behind. Others quickly dart in and out of conversation to let you know they are thinking about it all but then quickly hide for fear of a "sad" reaction they can't handle. Some regress to pooping in their pants, others regress to peeing in their pants. And I'm not just talking about children here..... Procrastination turns into fights, fights turn into standstills, standstills turn into anger. Anger over everything.

I wrote on Facebook the other day "you would be pleased to know, Easter decorations have been discarded." Unwillingly discarded.

Someone later said, "aren't you happy your house is clean?"

In a very short, succinct word: No.

Hiding behind memories and clutter has guaranteed people won't come over and if they do, maybe, just maybe, I've left this shit around to remind others that I'm not okay. I'm sad. I'm mad! Why don't you people remember him? Why the fuck are you over here in the first place? Cleaning up my fucking house doesn't bring me back my child. It only reminds me more that he's gone because the last moments I had with him are gone. Well, minus the baby swing at the foot of our bed. The dead flowers are gone. The car seat carrier has been donated. The box full of prayer cards and condolences are shoved underneath our bed. Replacing it all with a dead, haphazard Thanksgiving centerpiece.

In truth, I have many things to be thankful for including; loving, healthy, for the most part, happy children and a husband who only hates me 1/3 of the time. Pretty good percentages if you think about it compared to most.

I'm writing this statement so maybe I'll feel it: "I'm going to "try" to be happy, healthy and rejoiceful this Thanksgiving week."

I said I'd try and I'm not promising anything. Also, I'll be having a little heave-ho, help with my best friend, Xanax and his little friend, Vodka.   

May you not need any of these crutches to celebrate with you and yours and if you do, makes sure you don't end up in prison after it's all said and done. Because that would be so very sad and well, you would be far removed from all your vices for quite awhile.

Comments

[Miri]

I am so sorry someone took away those things that reminded you of your sweet baby, i know i won't be the first to say it, but they meant well. You could build a sort of memorial / shrine type thing in one of the cupboards that is just for you, to look at whenever you need to, & to close whenever you need to.
I am not sure if that is useful in any way, I'm sorry if it's offensive. I can't imagine what you must all still be going through.
I am so sorry shana.
If there is anything i can do to do anything at all, just let me know.
seriously.
Miri

[Kristabella]

The offer still stands of you coming to Chicago! It will be fun! And there will be booze!

I hope you have a nice holiday. Hugs to all of you, because it won't be easy.

Love you!

[Bree]

I love ya girl, yes I said it. It may not mean a damn thing to ya and that's fine by me. But know that you guys are in my thoughts always.

[Stacey]

I never stop thinking about you and your family, Shana. I hope your pain eases in time, leaving only wonderful memories of your gorgeous boy. xoxox

[Hippo Brigade]

You take all the time you need to grieve, mama. And take all the xanax and vodka you need too.

[Yo Mama]

Sugar, clean house or cluttered house, I don't think anyone with any sense thinks you are okay or have forgotten anything. Your grandmother always subscribed to the clean house theory, because it was how she dealt with things, but her grandmother got depressed (she also lost a child) and set fires in the yard. I'm just glad you haven't burned the laundry in the yard. Love you!!

[Fluffycat]

You know, sometimes I just wish that we could wear signs that tell people where we are in our lives and how to get people to treat us in the right way. Having the Easter stuff around was a way for you to get that without having to ask.

Hope the vodka and xanax get you through the holiday and sometimes "trying" to have a good holiday is almost as good as actually doing it.

[Rachel]

Hugs to you!

[Amanda]

I would LOVE to be with you this week popping Xanax with a Grey Goose chaser. Never feel the need to try to be something you're not. I'm sorry people close to you aren't understanding why you're still grieving. People can be such fucktards some times! Just keep writing and we'll always be here.
This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for Thalon and the fact that you started a blog and speak of him. He has brought me to you. And while I'm no where even close to fill the whole his passing has left, he has showed me what a wonderful person you are, and you, him.

[Jamie]

Happy Thanksgiving Shana. I love reading your blog and I will be thinking about you, as I always do. Good luck through this holiday season. A big, BIG hug from me to you.

[Sara]

It's a pity that we've lost the tradition of wearing mourning for a year, as it's exactly what you need.

[Barb]

just leaving you this ♥♥♥♥♥ thinking of you as always

[Anna Marie]

Thinking of you, thinking of Thalon, sending you hugs.

[Jamie]

Also? Come to Montana for Thansgiving so you can get the fuck out of there! We'd have you guys in a heartbeat!

[Titanium]

Beannacht

On the day when
the weight deadens
on your shoulders
and you stumble,
may the clay dance
to balance you.

And when your eyes
freeze behind
the grey window
and the ghost of loss
gets in to you,
may a flock of colours,
indigo, red, green,
and azure blue
come to awaken in you
a meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
in the currach of thought
and a stain of ocean
blackens beneath you,
may there come across the waters
a path of yellow moonlight
to bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
may the clarity of light be yours,
may the fluency of the ocean be yours,
may the protection of the ancestors be yours.
And so may a slow
wind work these words
of love around you,
an invisible cloak
to mind your life.

From me, to you- by way of John O'Donohue. Please know that you matter, and your pain is shared.

[Cristinsblog.wordpress.com]

You are an awesome writer. I don't think there's anything I can really say to make you feel better but I hope you and the fam have a great day tomorrow.
I'll be thinking of you. And I think you're right about not putting any expectations on yourself. Now I don't know about you, but I am going to stuff my face and not feel guilty about it. At least not 'til Friday.

[Michele]

I know you're not ok which I think is what keeps brining me back to your blog...I want to read what you write because I want you to know it does matter and I haven't forgotten...

[Michele]

Blessings and prayers and more prayers for you this holiday season. Hugs and more hugs, too. I'm loving you from a pixelly distance from Minnesota. Hang in there.

[Virginia]

I expect nothing from you but you being yourself. I know how it hurts. And how others who do not understand can hurt you even more. And it sucks, and I'm sorry, and hang in there, 'k?

[GingerB]

I just came by to tell you I am thinking of you and your family. I don't have a clue what to say about the house and the baby things and all of that. But love is important, and your love for Thalon is forever, be it bittersweet. Be good to you, as much as you can.

[KIM]

Cheers to our year of the suckage. I'm spending my first without my dead husband, and my last with my dad who is in the last stages of cancer. I just helped my mom give him his once every 4 hour pain pill and put a pain patch on him. Yay. Holidays just rock. Yea.

Now I'm off to wash down a klonopin with a gin and tonic.

I'd virtually hug you but bith of us know that won't make either of us fell better, so I'll just raise a glass to you instead.

[M]

Sending lots of love to you and your family. You do what it takes, Shana. May Xanax, vodka, and family love carry you through. {{{}}}

[Mary Jo]

I will join you in a toast of Xanax and Vodka here.

Nothing to say except I'm thinking of you and your family.

[Lucy's mom]

I know this sucks and I wish I could help. I'm not as courageous as you so I won't write more but if you ever want to talk I'm here. And I'm right there with you on not "cleaning up".

[180]

Oh, sweets. :( I think Vodka & Xanax are the perfect guests for the holidays. Wish I could be there, too. xoxo