yabba dabba doo!

Today I went to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. You know, the voodoo doc of fertility. After a few spiritual chantings, aura cleansing and three waves of his magic wand, I'm cured of all that ails me. Well, not-so-much. I really wish it were all so easy. Instead, I left my consultation more confused than before with only a few snip-its ingrained into my pee-sized brain.

Thankfully, I had a friend go with me who has gone this route before so she could decipher, take cliff-notes and well, basically listen to everything that did not filter through my ears and hit the save button. In essence, I was working on operation overload in which all I heard was "yadda, yadda, yadda, your are old, bibbity, bobbity-boo! Why are you taking Xanax? yabba, dabba, doo! 40% chance of miscarriage because you are old, blah, blah, blah, blah, So! we'll see you when you start your period next."

What?

Seriously, I have a degree. A couple of them with an almost Masters. Seriously, I WAS a drug rep and know how to communicate with Doctors, their jargon and upspeak but when it comes to something as freaky as having to discuss my expired eggs, I go into a semi-comatose state in which I barely know my name and just nod, and nod and nod as if I understand what the hell he's saying.

After the appointment in the comfort of my friend's car, I asked her to tell me "really, tell me straight. What did he say?" Because, you know, I'm 10 years old and have to have my mother take care of me since I don't know which way is up these days. A damn fine mother she is let me say because she dumbed it all down for me so I could recite passages to my husband without faltering too much.

Basically, in a nut-shell - I don't think the dude is TOO worried about me. Well, about my eggs that is but maybe about my mental state. When I'm ready and bleeding like a stuck pig, I'm to call and have him do an ultrasound on my innards to see if this hen should be dressed and primed for next Sunday's special meal or should be shot full of unnatural hormones for laying three-legged eggs for the next circus run. 

The one thing I am VERY happy about is he didn't berate me about my weight because seriously, it's not like I don't know I'm heavy and quite honestly, this large and in charge beast hasn't let weight get in the way of getting knocked up the past two times. He also was not very concerned with my "slightly elevated" FSH numbers. If you want to know what this means? Don't ask me as I didn't pay a bit of attention. All I heard was something to do with "foot on the pedal to make the car run."  Yes, my reproductive unit is defined as either an awesome muscle car or a bad, run-down Nova.

The doctor went on to say he would give it a year with whatever measures we were going to take. Wait? What? Doesn't he know I'm going to be 41 soon? A year? I'm so not a patient woman. Aren't we supposed to move, like fast? Super, warp-speed fast?

Quite honestly, I think he, my friend and well, everyone in the free world thinks if I would calm the fuck down, I might actually get pregnant.  In the end, I think my eggs are too shaken up with frustration and performance anxiety to do their job properly. Maybe they need to take some Xanax. Maybe they should just enjoy the free ride for awhile. A lesson I should be taking at the moment as well.

repeat with me, "breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out....."

Comments

[a]

Do you really think the RE wanted to tell you to "just relax?" I'm laughing hysterically at that one!

Elevated FSH can be (but isn't necessarily) an indicator of ovarian reserve. But, hey, you're 40. If your ovarian reserve isn't starting to diminish, you won't hit menopause until you're 70. Not necessarily a worry, at this point.

Anyway, good luck. I think you've discovered a new industry - medical translators. People who accompany you to doctor visits to tell you what the hell happened after the first bit of shocking news cut off your hearing. You want to start a company?

[Jill VT]

Is it just me, or do all these pregnant women have a dazed, happy, semi-bovine look on their face? Did I look like that when I was pregnant? Probably, yes. I just had a miscarriage, and I want to give these happy pregnant chicks a little right hook. Just a little one. So I can imagine, a bit, what you are feeling like, Shana...and I am rooting for your eggs. It seems like EVERYONE who gets pregnant these days is 40+...Marcia Cross, Halle Berry, Mrs. Duggar...well. That's a limited sampling, but you can do it. Relax, enjoy the ride, (ahem), and drink as much as you can before those nine months. Much, much love and good wishes.

[Davezwife]

Hey lady...
so I've had one helluva time having kids, too. I've got one, she's cute and all, but I want more. they smell so nice. (most of the time). 3 years, 5 miscarriages, countless meds, and most recently 5 fecking eggs with batter thrown RIGHT AT THEM, and nadda. Barren Ute.
So I empathize with ya.
I also invite you to the world's greatest place on earth to get some answers, support, help, and friendship. We are a group of ladies that are friends online and in real life, and you would fit RIGHT in. We've all had our share of infertility bullshit, and I'm sorry to say you'll even find a few that have had painful losses as well.
Happy to give you the url over email... don't want every Tom Dick and Larry lurking. But we would love to have YOU. ;-)
Good luck on your new adventure. I wish you nothing but uneventful smooth sailing!
-DW

[Alicia @ bethsix]

Until you're knocked up, you can drink alcohol. I'm just sayin'. It ain't all bad.

[Missy]

That's good news. Get your zen on lady, unscramble those eggs, and get with the baby makin.

[Shelly D]

Large and in charge beast. That made me snort my wine. I sooo picture myself that way. I am not qualified to give any advice since I have never even been pregnant, but I just hope things work out for you the way you guys want them too!

[Kara]

Best wishes gettin' preggers! We'll be cheering for you.

[Lisa]

Hi - I just wanted to add my two-cents....I have been told at least three times that I would never have another baby. After the first, and then after the fifth when I was 42. I now have seven, and the last one was born when I was 45-ancient-years old. Miracles do happen or doctors don't know everything. I have my fingers crossed for you and I hope your dream is actualized!! I lost twins (early-9weeks) way back when and all I wanted was to be pregnant again, that minute. I didn't understand why I should have to wait six to nine months to "try again". So I left my male ob and went to a female and luckily for me she said, there is no reason to wait, go for it.That next baby is now 19 with a July birthday. (Those twins were due in April). Sorry to write so much. Please have hope.

[Kristie]

Shana, only because I've been through fertility treatments myself .... this is sort of a pet peeve for me .... don't let ANYONE tell you to "just relax". Those are some of the most patronizing words in the English language. Plenty of uptight, over-stressed women get pregnant on a daily basis. In the same patronizing category as "just relax" are also "take a vacation", "focus on something else", " just quit trying for a month", and the most insulting one, "adopt, then you'll get pregnant." **I** say you're doing exactly what you need to do, seeking treatment from a (hopefully) competent and compassionate specialist, and it will happen for you soon. Sounds like the doctor thinks it will too, which is encouraging. But "just relax" implies this is all your own fault, and its not. So instead of "just relax" I say congrats on a step in the right direction. And I agree with the above poster .... have a drink now while you still can. :)

[Bree]

YAY Shana! So basically stop worrying about getting pregnant & go have fun with the baby makin' process girl!! :o) & as terrifying as it sounds(my hands are full with 4) I've actually been thinking about baby #5. Shhh don't tell my family & certainly don't tell my husband, I'll never get him off me when he gets home from this deployment lol!! Good Luck! & I'll be praying for you :o)

[meg...ct]

Fingers crossed!!!

[gorillabuns]



[Rachel]

Infertility sux... it seems like the doctors are idiots, and everyone else around is preggers. I've been there. Left the mall once in tears & hubby asked what was wrong & I said "didn't you see all those pregnant people?" and he hadn't even noticed... men! Praying for you!

[Christine]

I got nothing on fertility/infertility advice...I'm just going to sit over here with fingers crossed. Good luck!

[M]

Hoping hard for you, Shana! Good luck with the testing. The whole RE thing can be exhausting - hang in there :)

[LAH]

Channel your inner 19-year old! Get relaxed with some drinks, get jiggety with the old man, have a great time! You'll get a baby!!!

[kate]

To put things in perspective- 40 is not old in the IVF world. There 40 is like a spring chicken. I'm a nanny in Los Angeles. The last 5 moms I've worked for all got pregnant over 42 (4 with help, 1 natural). Good luck. Don't give up. I predict you will be pregnant by the end of 2010 at the latest.

[Pamcee]

There is nothing less helpful when you are trying to calm down then someone saying "calm down." I'm thinking many fertile happy thoughts for you!

[Kristabella]

WOO HOO! I think you do need to give those eggs some Xanax!

YABBA DABBA DOO! Here's hoping a Pebbles or Bam Bam are on the way soon! :)

[Gwen Jackson]

Everyone has already said pretty much what I want to say - but I just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you, your eggs, and your uterus.

[little miss mel]

I love it how they tell you to calm down and it will happen. PALEEEEEZ.

So glad you got a decent report for the doc. Hey, having a lot of productive sex may be exactly what you needed. :D

Now, get on it! (that sounds bad, but I am leaving it in.)

[Lisa]

Shana,
read "Taking charge of your fertility" by Toni Weschler. It might help--lots of good info...I know you have had babies...but it never hurts to make sure you have all the info.

Good luck on this journey

[Colleen]

Good luck, Lady! Dare I say that I see twins in the future?

[Renee Shepherd]

So this is what I did, not that you welcome my advise, not that it's even sane advise but at this point you'd try anything right? After 6 years, 2 miscarriages and countless Drs. I SCREAMED. I yelled about how unfair life is. I drank a good bottle of wine. I picked a REALLY good fight with the hubby. I fumed over it for and hour. Then I seduced him and HAD GREAT still slightly angry/ make up sex. What do you know, I was pregnant. So people assume our child was conceived in the lovey dovey confines of a candle clad bedroom, not so. Angry, couch, stress relief. and it worked. The next time I found out I was pregnant was 5 months after the 1st was born, after another angry sex session. So for some reason angry sex gets me knocked up. Try it, if not for you it will be good stress relief at the least.

[Melissa in TN]

I am so glad you went!!!

Don't you just love it when they tell you that you are fat as if that was news to you?

I've got everything crossed here. Come on Aunt Flo....