hopelessly psycho to you

You know you need to let the free-world in on your life and if you are alive and kicking when you start receiving emails like, "hey! just wanted to make sure you didn't throw yourself in front of a moving train."

Not.just.yet.

Instead, I've subbed (yea, yawn.... as this seems to be the only subject I've mustered to discuss for the past month now) for a 5th grade class at my girl's school.

AGAIN!

for the past three days out of five.

Go ahead and just absorb this last sentence.

Ten and Eleven-year-olds. 

Breathe it in and vomit it out.

Like Linda Blair pea-soup kinda vomit.

Let me start by saying....I, as a whole, like this age range. I find them entertaining as they are full of hormonal psycho craziness coupled with a nice innocence while still dabbling with Lego's and iCarly. Might I add, I learned a lot this past week that I never learned during my public school education (or retained) about fractions, decimal points and adjectives and the correct use of punctuation. Just don't expect to see my knowledge embraced wholeheartedly here....

Shortly? Let me conclude by saying, if you teach this age? You must be a wino or at the very least a crack-head due to the "troubles I've seen" this past week. Basically, the baby Jesus wept tears of sadness and frustration because DAMN! These fuckers are INSANE! as I am too.....

I say this because I can both LOVE AND HATE.

because I'm a parent.

MOST would be quite proud of me and my slight, very slight ability to hold it together while teaching math of all things (and my downfall) to 25 kids along with their other dumb-founding subjects (including Religion - don't even get me started on trying to have a group discussion on this....)

BUT! on day three, the shit hit the proverbial fan at approximately 2:43pm today. (Yes, it was this exact time as I looked at the magnified clock on the throbbing, melting wall while trying to do my non-existent labor breathing exercises from the times of yore.) I screamed, ranted and raved with blood pouring out of my blood-shot eyes and slobbered foam out of my bedraggled mouth - all the while berating, shaming and scolding this class on their "shit resulted in a piece of total mother-of-pearl crap!"

Strangely enough, my tirade didn't faze the most hardened of criminals all that much.

It was like they were used to craziness surrounding them.

Then..... I did the unthinkable thing. The thing you hear about in only far-out myths and legends. The stories you've heard of Music teachers running out of classroom with nervous breakdowns. The stories you hear but don't actually see.

Except the story happened to be about me.

I cried.

in.front.of.the.class.like.a.mother-fucking.fool.

I wanted to tell the class I'm a hormonal fool who is getting ready to start my period and NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT LIKE I THOUGHT I WOULD BE AT THIS TIME! and damn you! my dead son wouldn't act like this because I wouldn't let him because he would have been better than all of you! and hey! my 5 and 6 year olds would never act like this because I would kick their asses if they did!

did I warn you that I'm not a rational person right now????

hopefully, i did.....

but instead, I admonished the class that I knew their parents and would be calling each and every one to tell them what unholy students they were.

because they are in Catholic school and because I CAN.

not that I DID....

As you can guess, the last 20 minutes of class happened to be the quietest of tick-tock moments I had heard in three glorious days.

Nothing like a woman on the edge teaching our future.

As you can only guess, I'm going to have to scratch off, "be a teacher to our future and enlighten their minds" in my next life/career.

I'll leave this bullshit to far crazier people than me and hope for the best for my children. or not.

Comments

[bemytomato]

Oh my cripes, I almost emailed you yesterday! I thought it was too weird and out of left field and who the hell is this internet commenter-stalker-ish,so I didn't. Too funny.

I bet the crying scared the daylights out of them. Good. It's amazing how actual human emotion can set a child in line. And the Unholy call, hooray!

Sending a giant hug and a much needed drink from afar.

[Meg]

Just for the record, I taught 4th grade for 6 years. Every June, I would send my little darlings off for summer vacation, feeling weepy with all the memories of the great projects we'd done, the books I'd read aloud to their delight, and the sweet ways they had of taking care of one another. By the time they'd returned to campus in September, I swear they'd all morphed into crazed hormone-bags hell-bent on cutting each other (and their teachers) down systematically.

[Alison]

I used to teach middle school students. I know. And also, can I give you props for spelling "faze" correctly?

[Cynnie]

i worked in a group home for the badasses who get kicked out of regular school...I swear most days i wanted to shoot myself..
ugh

[Dana]

All I can say is that you are a far better woman than I, as I would have run away the first day. Had I not changed my major in college I would now be a crazy alcoholic elementary teacher who suffers from periodic tics due to multiple nervous breakdowns. So glad you made it out alive.

[Sara @TomTheGirl]

you? totally kick ass and continue to rock my world.

-sara @TomTheGirl (formerly @heartmychloe)

[Dena]

Welcome to my world.

[a]

I don't know how you do it. I would probably want to kill the little monsters. But I bet it's VERY distracting.

[Kate]

Witnessing crying was probably good for the little buggers. They are too insulated in the me-me-me stuff at that age.

PS: I am totally using "unholy" on Dave. Nothing smacks him back into line like some good old fashioned Catholic guilt.

[Trisha]

I once sat in on and spoke to 7th graders. I was supposed to return in following weeks and speak to other 6,7 and 8th grade classes. However they so unnerved me with their craziness (not to mention what they were passing off as clothing- public school without uniforms) that I made many excuses until the end of the year came and the teacher I was helping retired.

[M&Co.]

There is a reason I never took the Safe Environment class. Whenever they'd call asking me to do shit like that, I'd say, "I'm sorry. I haven't taken the Safe Environment class yet."

[Brenda]

Just an observation.....a woman on the edge, consuming alcohol....not sure that tit-sling shopping, and TEACHING? are your best bets for outtings.

Couldn't you try something pleasant? The spa, a bar, a big meal out, something that doesn't involve admitting to the size of your boobs, or a bunch of freaking catholic school brats???

Really, I'm sure you can find something that involves less pain. I know it. Cause I feel pain just thinking about bra shopping or teaching!! For real. Pain. Stop it.

[Titanium]

You're the best teacher they could have right now. You're real. Honest. Funny. AND they're lucky to have you...

As far as the impact on your sanity? Oh girl... I'd have run screaming from the building by now.

Seriously. I'll go all the way to the back side of nowwhere and on top of glaciers to escape that age group!

[Amanda]

And yet they keep asking you back! You must not be the worst they've seen. There's a plus :D

[carrie]

My ex-sil teaches fifth grade. Yep. CRAZY. Well, I think it's AWESOME how you are subbing and handling them! Cue the record player: when will you come sub in high school for me...

[Michele]

WOW. I had to laugh at Amanda's comment. They still ask you back- that's something!

[Zak]

Amanda is totally right. :)

[Dana]

Eh... They'll live... At least you didn't cuss them out...

[Melody]

I don't know you but I like you... You are painfully honest and that makes you my kind of people. :) And you are brave... I would never throw myself in a pit of tweens and expect to come out alive, or sane for that matter. If your teachings are anything like your writings (on here)...well then, you rock. And they are lucky to have you! And your real raw-ness!

[Tracy in Huntington Beach, CA]

I was ...**cough** asked to stop volunteering at school functions after shooting a rubber band at the back an ornery little assholes head. I wish it would have hit the little shit in his eye.

[Katy]

There is a reason I teach college math instead of younger kids! Although they are still rather annoying even as "adults."

[Kristabella]

Annnnd, that is why I'm not a teacher. My boss makes me cry. Can you imagine a room FULL of CHILDREN???!!?

[suze]

I'm checking right now on the internet to see if any of those little rugrats wrote a blog entry about you. I have your back, my friend!

[Shauna]

Just so you know, crying works on that age and not for much longer. 8th graders-not so much. I can guilt my younger girls into anything, my 14 year old just gives an eye roll and goes on with her day. And I love the commentor who skipped Safe Environment so they wouldn't have to volunteer. I thought of charging people to do the Safe Environment Online class for them to earn some pedicure and Starbucks cash!!!

Peace and Strength girlie!

[M]

You poor woman. I hope they felt like shit! Here's to better days...