b-u-n-n-y, b-u-n-n-y.....

Conversation held last Thursday. 1.3 nanoseconds before I pranced the kidlets into their prospective classrooms.

Celia: "Mom, so, like, are we going to get Easter dresses this year? You promised us days ago!"

Me: "*sigh....* (Ever so freaking chipper) Yes, dear, tomorrow, we will go and get Easter dresses."

Never mind wearing these elusive Easter dresses anywhere but home to eat, sleep and smear chocolate all over them because, really??? Church? at Easter???? What is that??????

Celia: "Mommy? Are we going to have like, a good Easter this year? You know, where the Easter bunny comes to our house and we hunt Easter eggs and we wear our dresses and have like..... a good day?"

Me: (Wondering if 8:15 in the morning is considered too early in the morning for a cocktail...) "Yes, Celia. This Easter will be better than the last. Tomorrow we will go and get dresses. I have to apologize for last year. It was the worst DAY OF OUR LIVES but! if I have anything to say, do or control this year, we will have a wonderful Easter."

"I'm so glad. Not that Easter was well, bad last year...... butitwasandwellThalondiedandwedidn'tspendEasterasafamilyandwedidn'tseeyouandwedidn'tgettowearourdresses (except for Thalon's funeral but who am I to remind her of such trivial shit?) and well, theEasterbunnydidn'tcometoourhouseandeveryonewascryingandIdon'twantanycryingthisyear. Is that okay? Because it is all so very sad but I want us to be happy this year.....promise me there will be no crying?"

So, pray tell, how would you answer or respond to this child, who has spoken maybe two words about this subject and day since Thalon's passing?

"My dear, I want us to be happy, healthy and loving this Easter. YOU WILL hunt Easter eggs, YOU WILL have a dress and YOU WILL laugh until your sides hurt."

Though, now that I think about it, I'm not-so-sure sides were hurting from laughter but tears were quite hidden for the sake of the little people.

Because Xanax was in the house...... and resolve.

Resolve to be strong for the little people who should not know about such sadness and grief.

So, after a late night, Rich went to sleep. I stuffed baskets, eggs and my face with all the extra be-speckled chocolate eggs my stomach could handle.

At the farmer's start of the day, FOUR AM!! I woke up Rich so he could help me hide the eggs the Easter bunny so haphazardly left for us to handle. and because I'm afraid of the boogie man in the dark recesses of the night.

Me punch-drunk, him groggy from the lack of sleep, proceeded to hide the shiny eggs of joy. When all was almost hidden, my clumsy ass, tripped and fell. on FIVE WOODEN FENCE POSTS - WHOLE BODILY IMPALED!

"Shit, Shana! Why were you trying to walk and balance on these elusive fence posts not-so-hidden on the side of our porch?"

Me?

Not a fucking peep.

Because I thought I was dead. Because I thought I had three 2X4's shoved into my chest with a bag of  cement impaled into my boobs.

Good news? I totally saved the face.

Who says I'm not vain?

But, my knees, elbows and chest?

Let's just say, did you know that 30 inches of belly fat can bruise like a motherfucker? Who knew? and who knew, just bending these mammoth inches of fat hurt when sitting, standing or breathing.

Today, two days later, I feel like Iwas crucified.

Here is a teaser from one of my obese knees....

Who knew knees could be so fat? and so freaking white!? and so, blotchy....

Okay, so maybe I'm being a little dramatic here but REALLY! my war wounds are worse than they appear.

and my delightful husband who stared in wonderment and awe? he lived because I was too hurt to speak or shove his face into the pile of shit that has been stored here from almost a year.

Any who.....

The girls woke up after a great nights rest.

Me? Four hours of painful sleep and I was up and at 'em.

Waking my husband after the girls had been up for an hour because, COME ON! It's EASTER and I really don't want to have to cut you for all the sleep you've been having....

The girls donned on their dresses and hunted for eggs. Moira scored the jack pot where my 7 eggs landed in a heap by the porch where I screamed, "fuck it! I'm maimed," into the early mornings light.

Even though the girl's shared their prizes, it still felt like someone was missing. Even if we didn't speak his name.

To further pat myself on the back, I made a full-on Easter lunch.

Complete with china and all the fixings. The spread came as such a surprise, Moira exclaimed, "Is this a party?"

"Hmm.... no baby, this is what normal people do with their family on such a holiday."

While this marks a part of a "remembrance" of sorts.....

I find we are so screwed in the grieving department. Most have a date. A simple date of death and grief.

We, as a family, have so many dates roaming around our lives. Good Friday, Easter, April 10th and the final date, April 12th as times we both dread, celebrate and mourn.

In the end, I want them to remember their brother but on the other hand, I want them to remember more good days than bad, more happy holidays than sad and more love and laughter than tears.
 
 
 

 

Comments

[Tam]

I am so proud of you, for making the day special for the girls, even though your heart felt like it wasn't beating.

Easter here was brutal. It's our "first" anything since we lost Ariana and I.Lost.My.Shit. But to my credit, i lost it after Lucy went to bed. I wish I could tell you this shit gets easier, but at the moment its all that - Shit.

Much Love x

[Betsy]

Good job, Mom. Sorry about the impaling though - jeez, wouldn't a freaking break be nice?

[Beret]

Your girls are stunning, I'm glad they enjoyed their Easter.

[M]

Damn that bruise is crazy! You are an excellent Easter bunny. And your girls' Easter dresses are adorable. {{{}}}

[Heather B]

I was just thinking about you. The girls look adorable as ever and well, I'm thinking of you buddy.

[Katie]

Keep up the good work, Mama. In the face of adversity, you're doing a fantastic job. You are rising to the occasion. Your children can all consider themselves quite fortunate to have had you as a mother.

[Sherri]

Thinking about you. Your girls are so beautiful!

[Beth]

such beautiful girls in such beautiful dresses!

thinking of you as you face the week ahead...

[Trista]

Been scrunching up my face for the better part of an hour...and I still can figure out the knee picture. It just doesn't look like a knee. What can I say?? I am probably not the brightest egg in the carton. Although the bruise does look very painful...and purple. But mostly painful.

Glad that you and were family were able to have a somewhat normal holiday. Well, as normal as it could be without a beloved family member.

[april billick]

I know it must have been damn hard... but you did right by the girls, keeping Easter happy for them. You're a great mom (even if you don't think so sometimes.) So sorry that Thalon wasn't there to enjoy in the festivities. I'm sending you and your family boat loads of hugs in the following days, weeks, years, lifetime. Just take one second at a time. sending love and hugs from NJ.

[Danielle]

Sounds like a great day. A day where you were able to remember Thalon, and also celebrate and enjoy with you girls and husband. I'm thinking of you and know you worked hard to make the day special. Well done lady!!!!

[Meg...Ct]

"In the end, I want them to remember their brother but on the other hand, I want them to remember more good days than bad, more happy holidays than sad and more love and laughter than tears."....they will...I know it.
Sending you peace and love as you continue your journey...

[S]

Your girls will remember an awesome Easter with their parents and they will also remember the strength that their mother has and the love that she showed them through that strength.
They look so cute in their dresses :)
Damn, sorry about your fall though, that looks soooo painful!

[Christine]

Your girls will be able to remember both, their brother and the happy times you gave them in spite of all the shit thrown your way.

You're one hell of a mom.

And as one clumsy person to another: Yeeouch!

[Tara]

My posts are never as entertaining as yours, but I feel everything you're going through. My little guy's birth and death dates are approaching, and Easter is a trigger for us too.

I am laughing thinking of you guys hiding the eggs in the middle of the night, because I can SO see myself in the same position. I love your sense of humor and your ability to express yourself. Thank God for normal moms like you. It makes me so happy to know that not everyone is a fake, shiny, plastic person. Much love and peace, Tara

[Carrisa]

The girls look so pretty in their dresses. Did you buy a purple dress to match your bruises? That would be hawt.

Big hugs to you Shana. And your whole family. xo

[Kristin]

Wow. That one made me cry. Go figure. I can get misty-eyed over your other Thalon posts but this one makes me cry.

I'd be willing to bet that all of us readers have nervously been checking in - praying and hoping you guys would get through sans zombie mode.

Aw, you deserve more than a fucking pat on the back. I have half a mind to come scoop you up and take you out on Friday night. Kudos to you.

And you took pictures too.

[DawnA]

Kidlets adorable, bruise not so much. OUCH and damn. It looks like the girls had a great time!

[Dawn]

Shana
you Rock!- You are just so strong, and the girls looked wonderful.
hope your boo boos are getting betting
dawn

[ldmimage]

Not only did they get a great Easter... Years from now, they'll look back and say, "We have awesome parents! Despite their grief the year after Thalon was gone, they went all out for Easter because they just love us that much!" Keep showing the girls what's important... Love you guys.

[Stacey]

You are amazing. And a wonderful mother. I am so, so sorry for your unbearable loss.

[Michelle Pixie]

Your girls are quite simply gorgeous! It sounds like it was a tough day all the way around but you managed to make it a pretty special day for those two little ones. You are such a good momma!

My knees totally hurt after seeing that picture... I hope you are feeling a little better today. OUCH!!

[sizzle]

I would so impale myself hiding eggs. I am a mega klutz. That looks like one hell of a bruise! The girls are so cute and silly and it looks like they had a really fun day. You are a good mom. Don't forget that.

[Wahkonamama]

You did good by them, Shana. You are good parents.

[~Michelle~]

Oh, Shana, your bruise looks horrible! You poor thing. Looks like it didn't keep you from having a good day with your girls, though. They're gorgeous in their Easter attire ... and look so happy about their "party". :)

You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers ... especially over this holiday weekend.