I have to say, I'm inherently insane. I have craziness in spades from my father's side. My mother's? We don't talk about it. We just chalk it up to being "eccentric."
I find myself worrying quite a bit of what I'm shoving into my children's mouths since their birth. We need organic! We need to be sans plastic! We need to recycle! Hormones? They are going to make you start your period at 4! Let's make our own soap out of stinky-ass lye. We need to start weaving our shoes out of the bark from the trees from our front yard! Let's forgo the aerosols because they are killing our ozone! Let us beat the shit out of our clothes and wash them using the make shift water pump we dug up with our calloused hands because even the "chemical-free" detergents have some shit in it!
Then I stop myself because let's face it. I'm way too lazy to be this crazy. Like VERY LAZY.
But a girl can still worry.... and be anxiety-ridden with guilt with what one should be doing for their family and their lives.
I have to stop and say, "What the fuck? Man, you just need to chill. Take a Xanax and relax. If you can find your 32 bottle stash....You are making everyone nervous by just being in your stratosphere...." Then I find out a close friend's child has Leukemia from eating too many hot dogs or another mother's child drowned in a pool because of excess or *gasp* you think about your own child and how you could have prevented his own infection by being in complete isolation from other nasty children. including your own.
If I had a substantial amount of money, I could REALLY go crazy by digging and burying my house into the earth, installing solar panels, buying chickens even though we live 20 feet from our neighbors by exhibiting Koreshian zealot tendencies. Basically wishing we lived off the grid. By being sustainable without having to go through the research, time and money it takes to do so. You know, someone else doing all of this for me so I don't have to worry and melt down from actual planning and worrying about if I did it all right.
Because odds are, I won't do any of it right.
Instead, I'll shop at Whole Foods, buy Method from Target and try to make sure my kids are using organic when we CAN afford it. That's a big CAN if you are counting.
But at times, I find myself reenacting in true life one of my favorite characters from one of my favorite movies of all early 90's time. Andie McDowell in "Sex, Lies and Videotape" where she obsesses with things beyond her when she can't control the present in her own life. (THIS MOVIE IS SO FULL OF SYMBOLISM I HAVE TO GO AND PURGE MYSELF! From the Ice tea to the pictures on the wall to the clothing and the talk about weather. Sooo much to think about in a quite stale thinking world.)
"Garbage. All I've been thinking about all week is garbage. I mean, I just can't stop thinking about it," ANN.
Then I start thinking about all the garbage I see, read and witness. There seems to be so much garbage flying all around me and my family. I have quite a hard time trying to sort, categorize, prioritize and in the end recycle. I find myself trying SO HARD to disassociate myself from it but yet feel quite a substantial tug while others try to pull me into their own personal "Oscar the Grouch trash can of garbage. " Yea, so I watched the Muppets this weekend, what of it?
BUT! When I look at my own family, I look at them with such amazement and awe I wonder how the fuck did we get here? We aren't perfect. We yell, fight and even swear (yes, quite a parental fail....I admit it!) So, yes, even if we are without another..... we ask ourselves just how have we survived? with humor? with disgust? with envy? with venom? with apathy? with? I don't know... or maybe a mixture of all of the above?
Are they really so somber when the moment is not just right? When they think I'm not looking?
They are just too sober looking.
Come on! Let me watch your baby! I won't eat it! Oh, I lie! I will!
We are so "Bershon" but that kid with the flower in her hair?..... she fails. She didn't get the memo.
But then, I look at the crazy tonsils, the double chin(s), the odd, VERY odd tongue and the hobo tooth. In the end I have to take the time to squish all of the now in a big ol' cheese fry sandwich and drizzle it with ranch dressing. top it with bacon and....
Well.... all of my favorite things of these odd parts are the best meal I could ever consume.
and sometimes, I have to make myself forget where all the trash and waste goes because in the end, you just might appreciate the unexpected dazzling party and not even give a thought to the clean up. Like a completely oblivous drunk.
Be in the moment, wear party hats with abandon, blow your fucked-up horns, consume and not worry about the waste.
Sometimes the trash is some one else's problem.
Yea... the waste is someone else's problem but mine.