my holiday

I lost a surrogate uncle this week. A man who accepted me as one of his own. He was acutely sick for many years but still... one has to wonder why? WHY? A man who was so kind, accepting and sweet; a quiet calm in the turbulent storm. Why do the good ones have to go? Just why don't those assholes who take your parking place, send you spam emails or the idiots who stand in your personal space die? Because the universe is a cruel joke on the living.

I have to say, December is becoming one of my most despised months along with April and May. These months seem to have the death dirge accompanying them in their wake.  As we all know, we are here for an unlimited and incalculable amount of time. We are measly guests at this picked over cheap-ass banquet.  A banquet that at times is without an open bar and hardly stocked with gut satisfying treats.

I submitted a short short the other day to a local writing group. The challenge was to write a short short without repeating any of the words WHATSOEVER!

Since I'm not technically a writer, I found this a challenge. 

My Holiday

 

His unplanned existence resulted in blissful mirth.   I should have denied myself the heartbreaking feelings of joy. Contentment should know better than to stay.  Sweet gazes vanquished in a flash, replaced with horror, keening, death, destruction.

Fucking Reaper came calling without welcome or grace. Just like Grandfather predicted thirty years ago. Damn palm readings and third eyes. Irish sight be gone!

Existence barely recognizable. Bone chilling silence wafting with bereft sorrow. 

 

This hot mess of words seems quite appropriate as tomorrow should be my son's third birthday. To most, it is just another stupid fucking day.  To us, it is a day that should have held more promise than it does.

Comments

[Tonya]

I'm sorry for your loss. And I'll be thinking of you tomorrow. I cannot imagine how hard the holidays are for you, but I do know that the holidays are tough when things aren't as they should be. My dad was one of the good ones. Not the assholes that get to live to be one hundred. He died two days after Christmas almost four years ago. He was 59. I've hated the holidays since. If I could get away with skipping Christmas, I totally would. I hate decorating, I hate shopping, wrapping, I especially hate the elf on the shelf. I hate the pressure of feeling like I should be happy when this season really just makes me want to cry. I'm sounding like a real asshole here. Maybe I'll get to live to be 100.

[Alison]

I'll be thinking of you these next few days. And I found your "hot mess of words" to be a nicely arranged tableau.

[edenland]

I got goosebumps reading this whole beautiful post. Fuck.

I'm thinking of you, mate. You and I have some kind of same hardcore-ness or something. All I want to write on my facebook or twitter or blog is: "Christmas can suck my dick" ... which doesn't make sense but nothing ever does.

I wish it were different. I wish you were planning a party for ten stinky tearaway 3yr olds. I wish I could make it better for you.

XXXXX

[Kristabella]

Hugs to you my friend. And vodka. Vodka and hugs.

xoxo

[Gamanda]

I'm hoping you can make it through today without, without what I don't know. There aren't any words that won't sound cheap or meaningless no matter how well intentioned they are. Just know that I'm thinking of you and drinking for you :)

[a]

I'm sorry for the loss of your uncle. As if you needed something else to make life difficult about now.

Your short story is incredible.

[Debby Pucci]

I am so sorry to hear about the passing of your surrogate uncle. I am so sorry that deep pain must exist in your life. ((HUGS)) What you have written is excellent. It definitely speaks of the intense pain of losing a child. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[Sherri]

Thinking of you today.

[twitter.com/mommabird2345]

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and your family.

[grace in chattanooga]

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Wishing that helped...

[-R-]

Thinking of you today and always.

[judy]

So unfair.

[Tracy]

Thinking of you, your old man and sweet girls today Shana.

My daughter (21) had a friend (21) killed in a car accident last week. WHAT A BIG BALL OF SUCK ASS! Loss at this time of year just makes it so much worse.

I hope it helps, however slightly, to know there are people across the interwebs giving you a big hug.

xo

[Jill]

Shana, the Gorillabuns household has seen more than it's fair share of the dreary, the hellish, the scar-inducing, the tear-rendering eyes that are swollen to the point of blindness, and outright pain than any family full of love and stength should endure. I can't say any healing words, because I don't have them... I'm so sorry for your loss of your surrogate uncle. Today I send a prayer and a kiss to the heavens for your sweet son Thalon. I'm sending you a hug across the miles that might help get you through a second or two with a slight ease of the tightness in your chest and in your heart that you must feel. {{{{{}}}}}

[Heather Marie]

Shana, I know that a virtual hug from me can never replace what should have been a hug from your son but I wish it did. You are always smiling on the outside and screaming in pain at the unjust of fate with Thalon and now your "Uncle". Wishing the pain away is not something that I am good at ~ even tough I never stop trying. Hang in there and live in the moment each and every day with your girls.....you will never forget your Thalon. HUGS!

[M]

Hugs and love to you, friend. Holding your family in my thoughts.

[Lisa M]

Dear Shana, I read your post and thought about a part of the Christmas story that I have never heard anyone preach about at the midnight mass (nor, for that matter, is anyone likely to write a carol about it.) It's the passage describing the slaughter of the innocents, when King Herod, realizing the wise men have departed without telling him where to find the baby Jesus, decides to murder all the little boys in Bethlehem. So death came without warning to those families that night, and I can't help but wonder why? And what happened to those families? Why did God only warn the Holy Family of what was coming, so that they could escape, but did not warn the others? How did they survive such a tragedy, and did they ever know why their children were killed? How sad they must have been, as this season would approach each year. It seems like sadness is, and always has been, mixed in with the joy at Christmas. So many hard, tragic things happen in this world, and often without explanation. I pray peace for you and your family this season; you've all been through so much. It says that God is near to the broken-hearted...and I pray He comforts you, grants you the birth of another son this year (no guarantees, but I'm asking Him), and gives you hope that you'll see your son Thalon again one day.
Lisa

[Michele]

I'm impressed!! So very sad but pretty amazing not repeating a word. Good for you. I just hope it helped. Happy Belated Birthday to Thalon and Merry Christmas to all of you!!