doppelganger

Last month I shared news about having another sister dropping into my life. One that everyone knew about their whole lives but my mother and I.  I alluded to a conversation or two but that was it. Now that all has come to fruition, she's 8 1/2 months YOUNGER than me.

How convenient to be left out of the loop.

The new sister is pretty cool. She is still trying to figure out why I don't speak to my dad and I'm trying to be all PC and shit as to not be a total BITCH about his stupid, crazy ass.

When the shit hit the proverbial fan, this is the message I received from my father even though we are not friends. on Facebook.

Shana, I heard that Stephanie told you about Christi.
Shortly after you stopped communicating with me, Christi came into my life. I have no idea what Steph has told you. She has been mad at us since June 14th, and we aren't speaking at this time. Since she moved to NYC, she has become a very different person, and not in a good way.
I pray that you don't let her use you as a pawn, to destroy the relationship Christi & I have developed.
I also pray that someday you will speak to me again, or at least tell me why, you won't speak to me.
I freely admit to making many mistakes in my life, and would give anything if I could go back in time and change them. However I haven't found a way to do that, so I keep praying for forgiveness.
I have always loved you and I still do.
Lisa and I are both, in poor health, and would love to be on good terms with everyone, while there is still time.
I hope your mother is doing good, and I hope all is well with you and your family.
Love,
Dad

 in which i responded. because you know you want to know....

This note could have gone two different ways. 

Let's start with #1: I haven't spoken to you in quite a few years and want to know how your family is doing? Everything else aside, like TRULY KNOW HOW YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IS DOING! I am so very sorry you have lived almost three years of grief in the passing of your son/my grandson. A death that was most tragic and incomprehensible. So? Just how are my Granddaughters? What are they like? What are their interests? Their personalities? When are their birthdays? Really how have you coped these past years? I can only imagine the grief you might be going through... I truly miss or wish I could really get to know my family.
or 
#2: I really don't know how to explain my actions in hiding the fact that for 42 years of your life, you have another sister! One you could share real life experiences that are so eerily quite similar. A relationship that you would find so comforting and beneficial to the missing link you were always searching for... Yes, I know you already have a sister but someone who is 9 months younger than you vs 14 years is a BIG difference when you are talking about TRUE life experiences.

Daddy... If I had received anything remotely like these two letters, I would would have been overjoyed. I would have felt like you truly cared about me and my family. I have heard that you feel I am bitter, jealous, and hateful towards you, Lisa and Stephanie and you have gone so far as to say I could possibly be used as a pawn in some passive-aggressive game in the Ball family game 'a rama. How sad that you still don't know me. How sad to think I could and would play this game. I don't and won't. I am not bitter, resentful, or jealous. I feel quite sad about this family and how it continues to play out.

I understand how "your point-of-view" is just this. Sadly, there are so many "points-of-view" out there that don't gel with yours and it leaves me quite bereft and sad. Not bitter. Not angry, just sad. I do have so say, I am quite proud and confident in who I am and without my family history, I wouldn't be who I am. 

In a nut shell, I don't want to hurt you, make you feel guilty or cause anguish. I am not that kind of person. I have spent so many years trying to make sense of the chaos. I only want you to be happy and healthy. So full of happiness is hurts. A peace like no other. In the like, for me to be the same, I have had to break myself of the anxiety, negativity, chaos that has been a result of our relationship. I am not vengeful or wish malice. I want the best for my family as a result I broke communication between us in order to be healthy and at peace.

I don't know how to end this note. As I have never known how to make you LISTEN to me. Just so you know, I haven't slammed you to Christ. I don't and won't. I hope you have a truly real relationship with her. As what I have gathered in speaking with her, she is a wonderful, REAL person to have in your life. Ironically, I feel quite blessed that I am getting to know her and feel like 42 years has not been lost. She is a special person who is so very wonderful. Don't take it for granted and don't burden her. Get to know her for HER!


shana

a response too long and stupid to showcase the whole thing... other this beautiful bit....

It wasn't until after you broke all communications with me, that Christi located me by telephone. I did NOT know anything about her or how to contact her, until she found me. How was I supposed to tell you something I didn't know myself, until after you had walked out of my life? let me stop right here and say, He, half-sister  and my Step-mother always knew about this sister. but me.

FUCKER.

and I inherited his shitty punctuation problem.

What I said about Stephanie using you as a pawn to drive a wedge between Christi & me, seemed very plausible, since she told Christi she was going "to drop the bomb on you", (her very words). She has done everything she possibly could to destroy my relationship with her mother, for about 15 years. And everything she could think of to turn Christi against us, for the last 6 or 7 months. I remember when you used to come visit us, Steph would trash-talk her mother in front of you, and you said "you had heard enough of that"! (your very words).
Steph is a very troubled person, and will stop at nothing, to inflict pain on the both of us. It was ONLY after I finally had my fill of it, and gave up trying to get through to her, that she decided you should meet Christi. It WASN'T to re-unite two sisters, as much as it was, to inflict pain, and punish us for finally cutting off the money I had sent to her for 13 consecutive months, while she partied her life away in New York.
You say you aren't bitter, yet your words sound like you are. You are right in the sense, "that my view doesn't gel with yours". (your very words).

Yes I do feel blessed to have found Christi, and I am glad you feel the same way about her. I don't take ANYTHING or ANYONE for granted.
Once again, I leave the door open for you, AND Stephanie, should someday, the either of you want me back in your lives.
I believe the truth is ugly enough, without the added insults, and half-truths (at best).
I truly believe that "the truth will set us free". ALL of us.
I hope you and Rich, and your children, have a wonderful life. I REALLY DO!!
Love,
Dad

I find most of this shit comical as he's the one wounded but me? nah! I haven't lived through his scenarios of beating people to near death, drug abuse, schizophrenia, bi-polar, lies, apathy, selfishness and most fucked-up delusional sessions that would make the most faint-hearted well, faint.

Another tidbit I found out (not from him.) There maybe yet another kid out there who lives in Texas. A couple years older than me (when my parents were STILL married.)  I think now I will start a website titled:

If you think you are Max J. Ball's kid, odds you are.  Because he was a motherfucking fool to give your mother his full name and MAN! He so hated condoms.

Sadly I think this website will get a fuck-load of hits.

In other news.... this evening the family happened to be watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Let's not discuss why we were watching this show other than HOLY SHIT BALLS! I started screaming, the girls started screaming and Rich looked simply dumb-founded.  A woman in bed, drooling and snoring looked JUST LIKE ME!!! LIKE SCARRRYY ME!

SERIOUSLY ME!

THAT IS MY NOSE!!!

 

YEP! THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE WHEN SLEEPING!!

my jowls.

Then she spoke and she didn't sound anything like me and it wasn't my bed and Rich promised he didn't tape me snoring in my sleep but then I started getting all crazy thinking maybe..... just maybe, I have an alternate lifestyle no one knows about kinda like the "United States of Tara..." A life I don't even remember because I'm.... FUCK!!!! SCHIZOPHRENIC!  JUST LIKE MY DAD!!!

or maybe, this is my long-lost sister who should respond to the website I'm developing. My TWIN sister who was given up at birth but my mother didn't know about it because "they" didn't have ultrasounds way back when so she didn't know she was having twins and they gave her drugs when I/we were being delivered so she was oblivious of the "other" one; so, the evil forces in our lives wanted to raise a child because they couldn't have one like "Rosemary's Baby" so they left the good one with the mother and took the other so we could meet by chance someday on a tram at Disney World while sporting the same shitty muumuus, drinking the same shitty cocktails while bemoaning the same butt-chin!

Yea.... that MUST be it. It COULD happen.

You have to admit. This chick looks like me. Fuzzy and all.

If you don't believe me, I guess I'm going to have to forgo vanity and have Rich photgraph my awesomeness while sleeping.

You'll be a believer then.

  

 

 

Comments

[edenland]

Holy SHIT man. I glamorize and romanticise what having a dad would actually be like .. guess I kind of don't realise how ass-sucky it could be. And is for you. Wow.

When I read this about the chick on America's Funniest Home Videos - " ... or maybe, this is my long-lost sister who should respond to the website I'm developing." I goddamn cackled so deeply.

Your new sister sounds cool - like, a reward for all this other crap.

You're not allowed to call yourself boring anymore.

[Lisa]

wow. Just...wow. I'm sorry you are going through all this. Isn't there a Chinese curse that says "may you live in interesting times"? I hope that you get a deep and fulfilling relationship with your new sister out of all this.

[Sandi]

Yipes, that AMV thing is funny! From photos I have seen of you on your blog, she does look like you!

As for your dad, I'm sorry. :( I hope that you get to have a nice relationship with your sister, though.

[Sandi]

That was supposed to be AFV, America's Funniest Videos. It's early. I am still on my first cup of coffee.

[Lildanes]

Your dad sounds like a real winner. Does he live near Nashville? If so, let me know and I'll go kick his motherfuckin ass.

I actually was on AFV as a person that plays the on-air game (purple dress) - enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qzRzk61Iiio

[KK]

My best unsolicited advise, the next time you receive a letter from your Dad--burn it. Email--delete it. Ignorance is bliss. Proceed on with YOUR life in the peace that you so richly deserve. You should be inducted into sainthood for the amount of shit that you have lived thru & tolerated. The fact that you haven't killed anyone--specifically you're beloved Father--should be considered a complete miracle. Glad to hear of the silver lining-your new sister--amidst the proverbial dark cloud. May you each be a blessing unto each other.

[Gamanda]

I really feel we'd all benefit from a re-enactment with YOU posing in the bed.
One question, and don't take this the wrong way, but how do you know your twin was the evil one ;)
Sorry all this shit is going on with your family. It seems like your dad is only saying what he thinks will gain him pity. Instead it just leaves him looking pitiful. At least he spawned an idea in you that could make you the most viewed blog in the world!

[sizzle]

Dude, that chick DOES look like you! Whoa!

All this drama with your family- I'm sorry you're going through all of that. Sounds like you were right in the first place to cut off contact with your dad. :(

[a]

Wow. Well, I'd say that if you had doubts before, this communique should put them to rest. There is no reasoning with logic with your father. I'm guessing the only view he ever sees is his own. After you specifically remind him that he should ask you about how you're doing, the best he can come up with is "I hope you have a wonderful life"? I think that ship has sailed, hasn't it? The girls can have a wonderful life, but you and Rich are pretty much limited to happy mixed with varying degrees of sadness, right? Ugh. I'm getting upset on your behalf.

But the AFV thing...well, I want to see Rich's version...

[teki]

I'm sorry you lost on the dad lottery. I, too, lost in the biological father contest. Background: parents divorced when I was less than 2. He NEVER sent a penny for my support, I saw him less than 5 times my entire life. My mom remarried when I was four and my stepfather (my REAL father!) adopted me when I was in grade school. Fastforward a few (tens) of years and with the internet and a nosy aunt this man and his children find me. His children started by saying how long they'd been looking for me (lived in the same house my entire life, where he visited me) and somehow they expected some big emotional moment. I don't think they ever understood they were NOT my siblings and he was NOT my father. A donation of DNA does not a father make. I remind myself, I wouldn't let my friends treat me likes this, why should I let family just because I'm related? You have a rich network of people that ARE your family and it doesn't have to be any part of that drama-riddled bunch. Much loves to you guys!

[Niki]

Delete, burn, tear, rip it all up. Do not give this person one more second of your time. He doesn't deserve you or your sister. I still win the dysfunction game- just saying.

[180]

Your dad sounds like a right fuckwad. Thank you for giving us some straight up insight into what you've been dealing with. I say leave him with his "REALLY GOOD LIFE." Anyone who has to type that out is an idiot. And as for the funniest video... that is def. doppleganger material! Crazyville indeed.

[LizziLou]

Hi, Shana. I've followed you for so long, but lost touch after my computer died. Now I'm back ... I've missed you! :)

This post leaves me speechless. I can relate, no doubt, which is why I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care! Oh, and I'll leave you with this:

"Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift.
That's why it's called the present."

May you and your family be blessed with MANY "presents" - happy 2012! :)

[Colleen]

Shana, I have followed your blog for several years and rarely commented.

This post spoke to my heart ... because I feel like 'your mom' in this scenario. I married a man that sounds like your dad's evil twin and I have battled the guilt that comes with having two children within this relationship. Two children that battle demons very similar to your own. As much as one wants to hate this man .... my husband; their father ... hope runs eternal that ONE DAY he will see the light and not only say the magic words (as in the response you dictated for him) ... but FEEL it. LIVE it. KNOW it inside.

I just want for these men who have created such havoc, to be accountable for their actions. Deeds cannot be undone ... but amends can be made and one can move forward from there. The moment excuses come into play, I stop listening. Just be sorry!! And mean it! And show an active interest in the lives that your children have created ... and support them!

The sad thing is ... that chances are, that will never happen.

Shana, from what I have read in your blog you have found a most excellent partner and father for your children. I hope that your husband and other positive male role models have helped to fill the void created by your father. I feel for you, like I would my own daughter. Because you could very easily be the 'voice' of my own children.

I saw the movie 'Courageous' last night - a movie about fatherhood. It (sadly) didn't portray the fatherhood scenario that you and my chilren have faced. But it is still a good movie - I wrote a little of my perspective in my blog this morning. As I wrote this, I also thought of you ...

[Tina]

Your sperm donor is a douche canoe & you should have a damn t-shirt made to proclaim it. "People" (air quotes included for a reason) like him are the bane of my existence, because no matter how much you want to fire back, to unload, TO MAKE THEM FUCKING UNDERSTAND...you just can't. Why? Because they're too self-involved, too busy playing the martyr role, &, honestly, just too damn stupid to GET IT. Save yourself.

And as for the long-lost good twin? (Because let's face it, if either of us has a long-lost twin, the other one is the GOOD ONE...) If you're gonna be on the prowl at Disney, you call me...I live right down the road & will put on my margarita goggles & help you look for her. Just sayin'.

[The]

This utterly and completely sucks.

Except the part where Mr. Progeny-Pant's name is "Max Ball." As in Maximum. Balls.

Gotta admit the irony and the name itself had me giggling.

I say, you are right on to walk away. Life sucks enough without willingly breathing the toxins.

[Jessica]

Your dad sounds like a psychopath. I would be interested in what you think after reading "inside the criminal mind."