somebody i used to know

February Day 27: Something I Ate

Eating this shit shouldn't make me wonder why I'm the Pillsbury Dough girl.

 

Day 28: money

I kinda liked this one. Too bad I don't have the greatest lens.

Day 29: something you're listening to

I know Gotye is all over the internet and so is his wonderful video but now this video has a different meaning to me than a lover who fucked you up but good.

 

Now these words remind me of a "friend" who "cut me off.  Make like it never happened and that we were nothing."

A beautiful birthday present tied up with a big black bow of disgust was delivered to me via another person. On my birthday.  Reasons why I am the problem in a relationship that was always so one-sided came to light.  I've written about this person before and how it's been difficult to deal with her issues as well as my own. This person who has betrayed me in every way possible with regards to the memory of my son with whom I also spent so much time with during my grieving process because she was needy.  Because she was there when he was brought into the hospital. She was the person who at his funeral made sure everyone knew she was the one who worked on him. Not sure how someone could make my son's death all about them but she did and I let her.  So when I hear that I have "milked Thalon's death for attention," "a wanna-be Edmondnite," "have bratty children," and many more shitty things, I finally realized I was totally hosed. Used. Discarded. Devalued. Debased. Morally attacked.

Yet, I haven't been the one who has ignored my children. I haven't gotten so high and drunk every day and pass out for my children to walk around and wonder when I'll be awake again. I haven't "faked" a suicide attempt while others took care of my children and husband. for months.  Yet I'm the problem.

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say

 I know the things she said about me aren't true but they still hurt. Not like, "Man, you hurt my feelers...." kind of hurt but "Man, you really don't know me after all this time and man, I kind of just really fucking hate you" kind of hurt.

The milking my son's death is what made me double over with such pain.  How can someone be so cruel? How can someone who has been around me say such a thing. Honestly, I would have preferred a jab to the gut than those hateful words.

I sit and wonder have I made myself this target for spite (yes) because I've written out my feelings during this time for all to see? Does this make me an "attention seeking whore?" Does blogging make that out of all us? Or are we all sharing experiences, humor, life with others? Hoping someone will connect with you and say, " I totally get it. I get you."  You are not alone.

 

 

Comments

[Andra in Texas]

Alright. That's it. I'm gonna say something here. Shanna, you are fine, honey. You are free to feel whatever you need to feel. It's obvious to anyone who has been reading your blog that you are a deeply passionate person. I've never met you in person but I have been following your blog since before Thalon was born. What a beautiful and passionate ride you have taken us all on. I have cried my eyes out reading what you've written and I've laughed my ass off. If I lived there, or if you lived here, I would seek you out and lure you into friendship with my margarita machine. I bet we would have a blast. Plus, our daughters would, too. Maybe. (My ADD's kicking in and I feel self-doubt coming on. Must proceed.)

I personally don't care about this other individual's opinions of you. I see right through her. She knows she's lost and it somehow makes her feel better to point out all she sees wrong with you. Nevertheless, it still sucks and she can blow a carny. I hope she's reading this. Bring it.

Thank you for blogging. Never stop! Sometimes you just have stuff in your brain and your heart and you don't know where to put it. Keep putting it here, woman. Keep singin'. We love you!

[Georgia]

You are definitely not alone and I almost always say a silent 'exactly!' when I read your writing and can identify with it so strongly. Please keep sharing here and ignore those who don't wish the best for you.

[B. Spencer]

Don't you ever hold back, of worry what you say on account of assholes! This is YOUR blog, YOUR space. To hell with those that don't care enough to keep their shitty opinions to themselves. You're a great mom, and you are not alone!

[Jill]

Shana, you have every right to be pissed...what a self serving and self pitying little bitch that pitiful excuse of a woman is. Do not EVER second guess what you feel, what you've shared, or who you are....and damn her for trying to twisting your pain and hurt and pulling it to serve her crazed, manic need for attention and ploys of "me me me". Nothing is wrong with you....this is a moment where YOU have to say "it's not me, it's YOU", anytime her vile words vomit forth and say anything of you or those you love. Andra has it right...do not ever stop being who you are, blogging as you do, or being that woman that we Texas ladies love with all our hearts. Hugs for you...and I need to find out how close to Andra I live, pick her up, and we'll drive to come visit you. :)

[twitter.com/mommabird2345]

You did nothing wrong. It is so much better if she is not in your life. I'm just sorry it all came crashing down on your birthday. Just be you. YOU, are pretty great.

[Jules]

What an awful person. I think the whole reason that people blog is to know that they aren't alone...or maybe I read too philosophically into things. I have read your blog for ages, and never thought you were milking anything. You have quite obviously gone through the most traumatic event possible, and letting it all out here, the good, the bad, the ugly saves you from imploding. And your kids aren't bratty they are kids...Hopefully cutting this person out will allow you to feel less poison in your life.

[M]

Please don't let this obviously disturbed individual make you question yourself. I'm so sorry you've been hurt, but I am glad she is out of your life. You know what they say, "With friends like these..." Hugs to you.

[a]

Uh, go back and re-read that and see if you see who the attention-seeking whore is... Pretty sure I do.

All I can say is, have your friends go collect your records and then change your number. :)

Also, I like to pretend sometimes that Arby's is a slightly healthier option than, say, McDonald's or Taco Bell.

[bjkazmi]

Shana, You are so genuine. We all love you because you are REAL. Please wipe this person completely from you mind and your life. Block her from any access she has to you, and then swiftly and surely just FIRE her! Waste no more energy on this "p-o-s". POOF, swiftly and surely make her be gone!

[Becki]

It is time to divorce her. And post the divorce banns everywhere she can see them - these types often don't get that they have been booted.

You are not alone. And while I don't understand that kind of pain and grief, I am sure you have helped others by your honesty.

Go for it.

Arbys IS healthier - no cheese though, lol

[wendy]

You are not alone.

And damn, I love that song. Haven't seen that video or heard that remix, though, so thanks for that.

[Bev]

Whether I'm writing my little ole blog or reading the amazing work of others, for me Blogging = Sharing...the good, the bad, the happy, the sad...it's all about life, these blogs of ours.

[180]

This woman embodies all that is toxic. You must let her go. She is not worth the air she occupies when she spews such hateful, dishonest and hurtful comments. People are usually cruel because they hate themselves. The only thing you should second guess is why you've managed to be friends with this woman as long as you have. Let go, move on and don't think twice about her ridiculous crackhead comments. Love you! xoxo

[KK]

Perhaps you should send her a detailed outline of how to be successful the next time she "attempts" suicide. Just to be helpful because that's what "real" friends do. She gave you the best Birthday gift ever. Enlightenment---removal of any & all doubt of what & who she is. Drop her like the turd she truly is & walk on. Your life will be nothing but better for it.

[flurrious]

Blogging about Thalon isn't a bid for attention. It MIGHT make you a target for spite from random strangers on the internet who have nothing better to do than troll, and as to those people, you have to just let it roll off. But that's a far different thing than having this kind of vitriol coming from someone whom you actually know and consider a friend. For that, you are entitled to every bit of anger you have toward her. At the same time, I feel like anger is a bit of a wasted emotion here because she doesn't seem to be someone who cares how you feel -- if she did, she never would have said such horrendous things. So, as some of the other commenters have already said, you should just cut her out of your life and not give her any more of your energy. I have a theory that all truly good friends hate each other a little bit, but she is beyond the pale. You don't need this bullshit; moreover, you don't deserve it.

[Danielle (elleinadspir)]

Dude, you know I love you. And really....the hater lady needs to shut it and go away. Blogging is a release of thoughts and emotions and whatever you want it to be. Ugh, some people just drive nuts.

[edenland]

Most people are just arseholes. Until they prove themselves otherwise.

I shed more friends as I get older. Feels so much.... lighter.

Love your goddamn guts. xx

[Jan]

I totally get it. I get you.
You are not alone.

Peace.

[Tracy]

Wait ...wait ...wait... SHE "faked" a suicide but you're an attention seeking whore? What. The. Fuck. Dude.

She can go get fucked with something blunt and sandpaper like.

Life is too hard and too short to deal with dip shits.

I totally get it. I get you. You are not alone.

[Dana]

Shana, I am so sorry that this poor excuse for a friend spewed out such hateful words. You are a real and true person that does not fake a damn thing! If this shallow twit had a genuine heart and loved her children with her whole being as you do, she would understand that you will never stop loving, missing, talking about your beloved Thalon Bruce, nor should you. A true friend would listen to you share everything and anything that might possibly help you feel better about the crap life throws out. Please do not allow what this woman said to you to remain in your mind. She sounds like she is in need of professional in-patient care and wake-up to reality. Life is too short to waste any time on people who are not true blue. Besides, relationships that require work are not worth it. Hang in there, you are greatly admired for who you really are.

[Julie]

I am so sorry this vile woman chose to write you that hateful letter. How can people be so cruel? To say that anyone could be milking attention from the death of a child is beyond me. After some friends baby died, my husband's ex-wife said, "Why can't that happen to us? They are getting all the attention?" What!?!?!?!?!?! How can anyone even think that way?
People are so f-ing stupid, strange, crazy and f-ed up. I don't get it.
I do hope that despite this woman's stupidity and selfishness you were able to enjoy your birthday. You are a jewel. I love reading your blog. It is a great way to get your feeling out and work through emotions. I would have a blog, but my husband's craptastic sisters would probably find it. They are as vile as the woman above.
Leave this woman behind and DO NOT look back. She isn't worth the time or energy. She is what I would call an energy vampire. Get rid of her.

[Bev]

You know, people can only hurt you if you let them. Your child's death clearly had an effect on every peron who knew about him and you wouldn't want that any other way. It is unfortunate that someone is trying to win some kind of prize for being the biggest griever. Dismiss her and any effect she has on your life. I, for one, would be pleased for you to join me as an Edmondite (which I have never know to be a pejorative).

[Vicky]

"Drop her like the turd she is..." I like that. Fuck her. You don't need her.

[DawnA]

Holy shit she needs a good slap in the face for that hatefulness. Some people need to take a good look in the mirror.

[Gamanda]

I'm glad you are ridding yourself of this toxic relationship. A new start to your new year. Please stay around here though, I love you and all the craziness. We're all a little crazy.