The lily, white lilies and specifically the Easter Lily usually symbolize Easter and the time for renewal and shit but to me they symbolize my child's funeral. Most of what I remember of his funeral were white lilies everywhere and well, everyone staring at us. I hate to be looked at on a good day. My son's funeral was not the day to be eyeing me. Hell I was late to his fucking funeral. How awesome am I? I guess in my defense, I wanted to make sure the girls felt pretty and their hair was curled and taken care of in the best way I knew how. I simply couldn't have more reasons for someone to want to take my remaining two children away.
I remember looking at his picture perched on the altar while exclaiming loudly, "I can't do this. I really can't do this. You are going to have to do this without me." Oddly enough, I feel the same way at times. Three years later. I can still feel the same intense grief, though not constantly and still worry that someone or something will take my other two children away from me. I'm not sure this feeling will ever go away.
This is so hard. And that's the understatement of the century. It's understandable that you'd have that worry plague you after what you went through- are still going through. My heart breaks for you. Sending you a lot of love, my friend.
Posted by: Sizzle | 11 April 2012 at 10:19 AM
Maybe when they're adults and live somewhere other than with you and you only talk to them on the phone 2-3 times a day, you'll feel a little more relaxed?
But you really can do this. You've been doing it for 3 years.
Posted by: a | 11 April 2012 at 10:25 AM
Just wanted to send you my love and let you know you're in my thoughts. Also, don't be so hard on yourself. You're a wonderful mother and an incredible person.
Posted by: TUWABVB | 11 April 2012 at 10:37 AM
Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. Hold onto those girls and your husband and the memories that you have of Thalon. May God give each of you special comfort today and always.
Posted by: Julie | 11 April 2012 at 10:40 AM
I have been thinking about your family all weekend, I am just so flipping sorry and it isn't fair at all.
Posted by: Zak | 11 April 2012 at 11:13 AM
Thinking of you and your family at this horrible, unfair, fucked up time.
Posted by: M | 11 April 2012 at 11:19 AM
Thinking of you.
Posted by: Laura | 11 April 2012 at 11:31 AM
I am so very sorry, Shana. I love seeing Thalon's beautiful face on your FB profile pic.
Posted by: Stacey | 11 April 2012 at 11:41 AM
You and your family have been in my thoughts the last few days.
Posted by: mommabird2345 | 11 April 2012 at 12:21 PM
My heart breaks for you and all you have endured. You're in my thoughts.
Posted by: Sherri | 11 April 2012 at 01:31 PM
Once again, I LOVE YOU! I don't know you and I don't care - all my love is with you and yours this ENTIRE MONTH, year. etc. etc. You will probably never get over it, and no one should expect you to. xoxoxoxo
Posted by: Lildanes | 11 April 2012 at 02:20 PM
oh God...so terrible. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: meg...ct | 11 April 2012 at 02:38 PM
I'm glad your grief isn't constantly intense, although I know it will never go away. You are an amazing mother. You continue to do everything in your will-power for your children. This entire thing is just full of suck and there aren't enough profanities to truly describe it. Just remember that we're all here for you and your family.
Posted by: Gamanda | 11 April 2012 at 04:28 PM
XXOO from CA!
Posted by: M | 11 April 2012 at 08:09 PM
yep. And my yard is FULL of them.
Love you, S.
Posted by: Heather | 11 April 2012 at 10:10 PM
Big Hugs and love, Shana. xo
Posted by: Angella | 11 April 2012 at 11:18 PM
Fucking lilies. I hate them now too. They were EVERYWHERE at G's funeral. I wanted to do an angry tap dance on them. Also on the faces of everyone who suggested I take them home and plant them so I could think of him when they bloomed. Fuck them and their blooming smiley white skinny ass faces.
And poinsettias. Fuck them too. My dad died 4 days before Christmas. Thanks everyone for sending THE FUCKING PLANT OF THE HOLIDAYS TO COVER HIS GRAVE.
Sorry. Too much vodka and red bull.
Posted by: Kim | 12 April 2012 at 12:36 AM
Bless your heart.
Posted by: KDA | 12 April 2012 at 10:45 AM
So sorry. *hugs* I get this one, too. My nephew died around Christmas, and the priest had us sing Silent Night at his funeral. Ruined that song for me. Every year it's sung by candlelight to end Christmas services, and I just stand there and bawl.
Posted by: DavesAnngel | 12 April 2012 at 11:14 AM
I don't ever know what to say in these situations except, I'm so sorry and I hope tomorrow is a little better. Even though I'm just a random person on teh intrawebs I still think of you. And your family. And Thalon.
Posted by: Cristin M. | 12 April 2012 at 10:25 PM
I will never be the person that believes that I could ever say something that would take away even the slightest bit of pain that you have. I will, however, kick anyone's ass who is not nice to you! You know what I mean - I love you guys and always know that your are in my heart.
Posted by: RIO | 12 April 2012 at 10:41 PM
I don't know why it's so hard for me to find words for you today when I've found them before. So I'm just sending you a giant hug. xo
Posted by: Noelle | 13 April 2012 at 01:44 AM
I'm so very sad and sorry...
Posted by: grace in chattanooga | 13 April 2012 at 05:29 AM
Thinking of you and your beautiful boy.
Posted by: Joanna | 13 April 2012 at 01:35 PM
Because you are allowed to hurt. You are allowed to be angry. And you are allowed to mourn your beautiful boy the way YOU need to. Because post-children infertility rots, because you're supposed to be grateful for the beautiful children you have, mourn the loss of the one you lost and have another--because you wanted another to begin with.
You are always in my thoughts and prayers--and yeah, I know it doesn't fix anything but hopefully you will find peace--even if it's in random moments. Forget one day at a time--how about one moment at a time...
XOXO from Chicago,
Serena
Posted by: Serena | 16 April 2012 at 05:07 PM
There are simply no words that will comfort you. They are just that words. Although it's nice at times it can be hurtful at others. I wish I could just wrap you up in a big old hug and take some of the burden away. My heart aches for you. I know the pain of loss. The cost is too high esp. when it comes to the loss of a child. My brother was 30 when he died in an accident. It took a good 10 years for it to ease just a bit. It never went away but you learn to cope and keep on moving. The woulda coulda shoulda will only drive you bat shit crazy.
It's ok to hurt and remember your child. Be sure to give your baby girls all the love you would give him. I know you would do anything for any of your kids.
Thinking of you and pryaing for you and your family.
Jackie
Posted by: Jackie | 17 April 2012 at 09:52 AM
Fuck that stupid flower.
Posted by: Michelle | 17 April 2012 at 06:37 PM
I would have the worry plague too. Shit,I have the worry plague every day and nothing of this magnitude has happened to me. I'm sorry that this happened to you, because it keeps happening every day he's not physically here with you. I don't know how you get over that, either. I am thinking of you, Thalon, and the rest of your family.
Posted by: willikat | 19 April 2012 at 08:17 PM