The lily, white lilies and specifically the Easter Lily usually symbolize Easter and the time for renewal and shit but to me they symbolize my child's funeral. Most of what I remember of his funeral were white lilies everywhere and well, everyone staring at us. I hate to be looked at on a good day. My son's funeral was not the day to be eyeing me. Hell I was late to his fucking funeral. How awesome am I? I guess in my defense, I wanted to make sure the girls felt pretty and their hair was curled and taken care of in the best way I knew how. I simply couldn't have more reasons for someone to want to take my remaining two children away.
I remember looking at his picture perched on the altar while exclaiming loudly, "I can't do this. I really can't do this. You are going to have to do this without me." Oddly enough, I feel the same way at times. Three years later. I can still feel the same intense grief, though not constantly and still worry that someone or something will take my other two children away from me. I'm not sure this feeling will ever go away.