once here

I think I'm having trouble figuring out who I am these days. Call it a Mid-life crisis if you will. Every day I awake I feel like I'm in a major slog of limbo. Who am I? What am I going to do? Why aren't you being creative like you promised your 20 something self? 

Maybe I'm depressed.

Whoa? You think?

I have all of these ideas floating about my head of what I want to do and should do but in the end, I'm all blah about putting pen to actual paper. 

My diagnosis? Laziness. Pure and simple.

This is what I would categorize this space.

Lazy 101.  I could teach a course and become the Zen Master expert on this subject.

Speaking of lazy my thoughts are plain old bitter apathy. I sit here and contemplate what I want to share to anyone and no one. Who really cares what I do on a daily basis? Who really cares if I take pictures of my calligraphy

or my daughter's uvula at the dentist's office?

I barely do.

Though I have to say, I have plans for this summer. Art projects, adventures and pure fly by the seat of your pants of non planning. Non planning is something I'm an expert in as well.

A redesign of this space coupled with a redesign of myself.

Speaking of design and space, a question was brought to the table today from Eden. If you don't read her, you should because she is someone I wish I was. Balls to the wall, honest. 

She asked, "What is a blog?"

My response haphazardly strewn about: 

 Honestly, I don't think there should be a category of what a blog is.  a blog? a bunch of words, scrambled about into space in which we try to make meaning out of this universe and ourselves.  Basically.... to prove we were once here.

Maybe this is why I keep this [space] open. To prove I was here. I didn't give up. I was a human full of mixed up emotion. Both good and bad. I had a voice when I didn't feel like it in my every day existence. Maybe I didn't feel heard like I felt like I should have been while knocking bodies down that corridor of human contact. Like most of us going about our daily cesspool grind.

or maybe I was a total narcissist. Saying, "Hey! Look at me! Aren't I special and cool? Doesn't my verbage mean anything to anyone other than myself?"

In truth, I feel like in living, we are all narcissists. Otherwise, without having yourself in your own corner, this so-called 'living' is a very lonely place and I can think of nothing better than having myself as a cheerleader on the sidelines chanting, "I am the shit. I.am.the.shit."

Because I think I'm the shit. even if I'm wading elbows to assholes in it.  and my mom thinks so too.

Comments

[a]

Do you suppose it's a phase? This thinking that nobody really gives a shit? Because that's pretty much how I feel all the time too, and we are of a similar age. I mean, 5 year olds have phases...why not 42 year olds? Sigh. It's really to early for philosophical questions.

[Danielle (elleinadspir)]

I think you are pretty cool too.

[Julia]

don't stop! I enjoy reading your blog. my kids are grown, I miss those younger years (sometimes) and enjoy reading about yours. I wish I lived near you - I'd want to hang out :) and you are NOT lazy -- life changing events have deeply affected you. that is NOT lazy.

[DawnA]

I am always glad to see a new post! Knowing you are the shit is great. That being said the shit really does stink sometimes.

[Judy]

Don't stop! Your ability to tell it like it is is inspiring.

[Gamanda]

If you're truly that amazing at laziness, you wouldn't teach a class ;)
Sure we're all a little narcissistic, but I for one like to know that I'm not alone in the craziness.

[Kelly]

I love reading your writing and I feel like if we lived closer, had more time, etc we could be friends. I had a dream the other night that I was on a super bright sunshiney beach, with aqua blue clear ocean water, with my husband and children. Friends I hadn't seen for years kept showing up, also facebook friends, saying "what a lovely family! it is so good to see you!" , I believe this dream was my subconscious trying to put some order to what this FB thing is, I don't know. I have been struggling with not wanting to post anything anymore on FB due to worrying about people not caring, or that they will think I am narcissistic for assuming people would care what I post. Its a natural evolution of the medium, I suppose.

[Tonya]

Oh, you totally ARE the shit. :) So don't stop blogging. And I agree with a....maybe we're in a phase because we're 40-ish? Because I, too, do not give a shit.

[Tonya]

Also, there must be a blogging phase everyone's going through. Because, I kid you not, every blogger I follow is sort of crapping out right now. Just, poof! Disappearing on me! WTH?!

[H]

I'm not a blogger, but I enjoy reading blogs because I get to "meet" and learn about people that I might not encounter in my real life. Sometimes it is really hard to meet people in person and/or find people who help you broaden your horizons...to learn about things you might not learn about otherwise. I think you're funny and deep and wise, and you help me understand another perspective, another life. You are important, and you should recognize that - celebrate it.

[Sheila M]

I'm in the same phase. Almost 41, and don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I've been a stay-at-home-mom (I effing REFUSE to be called a housewife or worse, homemaker)for 8 years now and feel I have nothing to offer this world, so I keep taking classes at the local JC, hoping to find me somewhere.
And, thanks to your brutal honesty about life's crap, I don't feel so alone :)I care that you're putting it all out there.