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01 May 2012

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bjkazmi

Do I ever feel that way? Oh my gosh, YES! Every day of my life. I have been married 45 years, raised two daughters, and just this morning asked myself why I stay. For years and years I said it was for the girls. Selfishly though, I didn't want to share my kids during the holidays. Now that they are grown and on their own, I foolishly felt it was time and I could go. The first thing my older daughter said to me was, "poor dad, he won't have any friends". Do you suppose there is a reason he has no friends? So, at the old age of 65 I still feel I must stay, though I would love to go home this evening and have "no one breathing my air" or bossing me around, trying to control me. Catholic guilt sets in rapidly, and I worry about my girls pitying him and blaming me. Retirement is out of the question, because I cannot imagine being home alone with him each day. I cannot tell you how I wish I'd gone years ago. At this point it's clear I'll never have any peace. Thanks, Shana, for allowing me to vent.

Julie

I love my husband with all my heart, although sometimes I have to remind myself that I do. Sometimes I just want to tell him where to go and how to get there. Especially after he has taken his anger out on me and then tells me to quit feeling sorry for myself. What? How about you aim your anger where it belongs-at your asshole father!
I thought married life would be different, but we find ourselves with not enough time for each other, not enough time to even sit down and talk about important things like finances, children, much less our marriage. I plead for the time, he says okay, but life gets in the way.
So, I stay in bed and refuse to talk or go anywhere. That'll teach him, right?
But, at the end of the day...I do love him, flaws and all. I know he loves me and tries his best. I know things will be better and get better. If I could just get rid of his damn father who makes his life hell, along with his bitchy sisters, life would be so much better. Someday.....
I wish you a happy anniversary. You all have been through so much these past few years. I pray that there is a light there for you, to guide you.

a

You are not alone! And we've only been married 10 days short of 9 years.

However, this is clearly a phase of the moon or something, because every married woman I've encountered since last Friday has had something to say about how annoying her husband is. It's pretty remarkable, actually.

britt

"We are NEVER going to let romance die in our relationship. We are NEVER going to take each other for granted." Yep, what a crock of shit."

Crock of shit is right! I have felt like this pretty much from day one. Ok, maybe day 3. Maybe I only think this way because I'm a self-loathing individual, but I decided to either accept it or change it. Since my marriage brings me so much joy (and as a human I hope yours does too) I decided to accept it as reality. If that changes, I'll probably change my marriage status, but for now I just know that sometimes ideas about marriage are just a crock of shit, even when they are my own ideas.

alice

My first husband was a complete downer, controlling, temper tantrum baby pants. My second husband to be holds much more promise. I ownder what three, four and five will be like...

Lildanes

Marriage is SOOOOOOOO overly romanticized on tv and in books and all that shit - we all fall for it. Living with the SAME PERSON EVERYDAY, ALL DAY, ALL WEEK, ALL MONTH, ETC. is awwwwwwwwwwwwful. I mean, there are glimmers of awesome, but for the most part it's boring as hell. Sex with the same person, same conversations, a husband who never stops scratching his butt, a wife who nags, ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC.

I'm married and I love my husband, but don't get me wrong, I fantasize about every character on Vampire Diaries, Raylan Givens on Justified and any other semi-hot man on TV. I have sex dreams about everyone BUT my husband. Shit, I even have sex dreams about our 90 year old UPS man. MARRIAGE IS BORING AND MONOTONOUS.

So what is the solution? Drink. Smoke weed. Make jokes with each other. Tell each other your weird sex dreams. Act like freaks. And in the end just stay together because you can get divorced, start over, and then just end up with a different dude who is pretty much the same and what's the point?!

XANAX.

teki

I'm going to start by saying I'm divorced. Nope, not my choice but I didn't fight very hard there at the end. 8 years out, I have to say it was a big ol' fat mistake. We divorced because of that standby of romantic ideals of "I'm not IN love with you any more." Never has there been a more ridiculous phrase uttered. IMHO true love isn't the burning romantic intensity from the beginning. That love? isn't sustainable and burns your soul with the work it requires. Love is knowing he hates mushrooms and that he knows the only flowers you like are tulips. Its waking up everyday and doing what's best for your entire family even on the days you hate the way his face looks. Why? because ultimately he's a good man, a man that isn't abusive to children, his wife or animals, a man you love and loves you back. And if it were gone, you'd miss it, him, your family. I know my opinion is a minority out there in a society of "follow your heart", and I'm not (for reals) judging anyone that needed to leave. But know sometimes alone just really isn't better in the long run. I hope. For what? I guess I just hope for the best for you, whatever that may be. I'll part with the saying that did me a world of good, "It will all be okay, different, but okay", and shut my yap.

Ninabi

I've been married for 27 years. I think it has worked because there's been a tradeoff- it's more friendship than romance, two people who have a sense of humor and a constant sense of the good fortune we found someone tolerant of our faults that can stand to live with us day in and day out.

We hang on together. There's that saying, Time makes monsters of us all- and in the second half of life we're discovering a second puberty- that our bodies are changing and not in good ways, either. As we go skipping down past menopause and Mohs surgeries, insomnia and back pain and the emotional pain of some awful life experiences, we don't want to go through this alone.

Behind all the joking, we've been through some awful things and a lot of loss. Bottom line, we cut ourselves some slack. A good cocktail doesn't hurt, either.

Genevieve

Yes I feel that. Oh hell yes. Headed at 15 years of marriage. The first ten, I was like, why do people say marriage is work? This shit is easy! Now I'm like, man, this shit is WORK.I have enough work. I'm guessing in the end, it will be worth it, but sometimes it sure isn't fun. No sage words of adivce, just that I feel you.

DawnA

Hubs and I will be married 24 years this August. I was almost 19 when we got married and we've been through A LOT (as you can imagine). We have always loved the other but the biggest thing is we now really "like" each other. Early on we didn't make time for each other and everything we did was for our child-we just kind of existed. Our only child moved out last year and we really like being together. NOW-I need my alone/down/me time and I get quite cranky if it doesn't happen. And they all do things that annoy the living shit out of us. Make time for you and time for you and Rich. Oh and yes drugs! Better living through modern medicine.

Jewl

I love this post and love the comments. Next month will be 16 years for us and I would agree with the people that said its not about feeling IN love all the time, that doesn't exist. We always say the key has been separate sinks! Truthfully, I think its a little of just putting up with each others faults and like someone already said, who wants to go through crap alone? Just don't get "down" at the same time or all hell breaks loose (I guess this is not possible with the death of a child) Props to the both of you for holding it together. Who knows what tomorrow brings but he is the only other person on the planet that "gets" EXACTLY what you have been through. Good luck and happy anniversary, embrace it. And thank you once again for your honesty.

Sheila M

I really needed this today! Happy pills would come in real handy for me too :)

Missy

I agree with everything you said. Been married for 20 years here, yay me.

Fluffycat

As an unmarried person, sometimes I look over at marriages and think "oh so magical, so wonderful, someone to share my life with, etc."... and then I talk to people who are actually married, and I realize it's more complicated and difficult than it seems. I love reading the comments from others. I wish you a good anniversary, however it plays out.

Becki

It is worth holding onto because, other than faith, there is not much else out there to hold onto.

What Ninabi said is spot on.

And I have been married 31 years - and we have been thru wars both internal and external - and the fact that we survived it, banged up as we are, and NO ONE else will ever know that that was like is one reason why we stay together. (And no one can laugh like we do in hindsight at a great deal)

You will NEVER be able to share all you have been thru - those joys, sorrows, pains, laughter, tears with anyone else. You can look in each other's eyes, maybe while you are temporarily flipping each other off, and realize you KNOW AND ARE KNOWN and and you LOVE and are LOVED BACK, even though there have been times of hatred and sorrow. (You think Sara was full of love after Abraham passed her off as his sister and she almost became concubine bait?) No one else can ever be the father of your kids or in reverse, the mother of your kids.

Hugs to you - real, firm, hard hugs - sorry you are in such a valley.

Tricia Wheatley

The only time I have wanted to be married since my late teens was after my daughter died last year. Though surrounded by people I was lonely wanted someone to hold me, care for me etc etc however I realized what I needed were big strong arms to carry the burden but those arms could not belong to someone who loved my child as much as I did as they would have their own grief to carry leaving me to also shoulder theirs. I really cannot remember a time other than that that I wanted to be married. Maybe have someone to have loads and loads of sex with but certainly not live in the same house!
So here I am with thirteen children hoping for number fourteen (I like to tell people they all have different fathers) and am happy that I have made the choices I have. I admire good marriages and am happy for those who appear to be in them. I think I'm just glad I'm not one of them. I wish for you peace in your marriage and that the sense of humour that you both share helps to carry you through the rough times.

Vicky

Yeah, it's tough. I wonder how I got here sometimes. Some days the only thing that keeps me here is thinking that if I left and started over it would just be the same shit, different guy and I've been there/done that too. I do love him, but gawd he annoys me and I'm convinced he does it on purpose. Sometimes I think I should have just stayed with my first husband. At least we had the shared memories of youth.

Having said all that, it's not all bad all the time either. You'll find your way. Somehow, I still have faith in all of us.

Tonya

Coming up on seventeen years married. Twenty together. I haven't spoken to him since last Friday, and he's not off on some secret mission, haha. Dude is on my LAST nerve. But we'll come around. We always do. Marriage is such an ebb and flow, and during the bad times when I fantacize about being featured on Snapped, I remind myself that, among other things, I don't want to be a part-time mom. I don't want another woman taking my girls to get manicures. I don't want to lose the control I have over everything concerning them. Also, he's a really good guy. He can be a total dick, but so can I. We are two strong personalities who have spent our entire adult lives together. Of course there will be fireworks from time to time.

Marriage isn't about staying "in love", whatever the hell that means anyway. It's about love, respect, commitment, and realizing that in many, many cases, divorce would only present a whole new set of problems that will also make you miserable.

Becki

Amen Tonya!

stacie

Well... I've been pretty much single after my divorce 12yrs ago, have *tried* to be in relationships, but maybe it's just the losers/dips I keep meeting... it always ends in a big, fiery explosion where I can't WAIT to get them the hell out of my life. Sigh. It's lonely sometimes, but not nearly as annoying as being in a relationship!

Kristen

Hee, hee, hee I'm getting married a week from tomorrow (yay!). After 38 years of not being married, I'm excited about what this will bring. Hopefully, I'm realistic too.

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