I'm sure most of you out there in never-never land don't have to worry about middle age and the things that result in it's wake. Quite a few would freak if they thought they were pregnant at my age. Before you freak the fuck out, so far I don't think I'm pregnant. I'm six days late for Aunt Flo to start and part of me so wishes this was the time in my life for a 'miracle' to happen and part of me knows it's not probable. I've been told by experts to never expect it and with this age? It is not on my side. I have to listen to the little voice in the back of my head that 'this month' is finally the start of peri-menopause in the midst of my life's story. Sadly I'm such a chicken-shit to take that actual test to disprove my wishes and more so my husband's fingers triply crossed wishes. Mainly because of human nature and wishes and wants are just that.... full of wishes and wants and man, I don't and can't be disappointed in another failure.
Earlier this week I posted a link on my Gorillabuns Facebook page from a fellow blogger who lost her baby during her first trimester. I posted it because as a silent supporter I felt the pain and anguish she so whole heartedly put out there for anyone and everyone to read. A fellow parent thought I was the one who had a miscarriage at 9 weeks and compassionately so, worried how I could withstand another loss and how it is so unfair to our family. Part of me is quite surprised that people in my close wake still remember and think of me as the walking wounded. Though when I pull my head out of my ass, I know that I am so openly fucked up. Part of me (the loving part not the crabby part) wanted to make sure she was comforted in her mistaken grief. Though, I did not. As another friend pointed out, this would be the end of story for me if I miscarried and sadly, she was quite right though I wouldn't admit it to her face. I just laughed and said, "how sweet she cared. Ya'll are so funny."
This aging thing is a bitch and a half. I'm tired of being happy for others while my uterus is drying up with want or my perceived want. My husband wants me to take a test tomorrow and I don't want to do so. Mainly because I've been told it's impossible and mainly because I don't think I can come to grips with the fact.....I'm getting old and I've become such a broken machine. I so don't want to disappoint him.one.more.time.
Keeping my shit together with that fine embrodiery string of art is taut and tight. Ready to pull loose from my fabric of life, unraveling and man, I'm so tired of picking myself up to restring another picture for myself for others and myself to pleasantly view and admire. Because I'm not brave to handle any of this news. Good or bad.
People who care about you will always remember, because we care. I was going to write a ton more, but I deleted almost all of it. I've personally been taking a lot of tests lately, willing that damn line to appear with no such luck... sort of preparing myself for my time to be over. It doesn't make it easier - putting it off or preparing. Just know you have a ton of people who care.
Posted by: Keely | 10 May 2012 at 12:59 AM
I have nothing good to say here. I'm just so sorry...
Posted by: grace in chattanooga | 10 May 2012 at 05:39 AM
Sending good thoughts your way...no matter the outcome.
Posted by: Lisa | 10 May 2012 at 07:43 AM
You know what? Take some folic acid anyway.
(I can't blame you for not wanting to take the test. I would do it, because I have an irrational need to know, and an overactive immune system that kills fetuses. But that's just me.)
Posted by: a | 10 May 2012 at 08:42 AM
Oh Shana. I don't know what to say here except that I'm thinking of you and hate that things are so damned difficult. I'm also holding out hope because the improbable is still possible, you know? Hugs, Mama.
Posted by: M | 10 May 2012 at 09:05 AM
This just sucks.
Posted by: Lildanes | 10 May 2012 at 09:44 AM
Nothing is impossible. Hold onto that. You deserve it. Sending strength and hope your way. And love.XX
Posted by: Tricia | 10 May 2012 at 10:24 AM
Crazier things have happened. Here's hopin'...
Posted by: candice | 10 May 2012 at 01:06 PM
I am getting down on my knees to pray to God for this miracle. ((HUGS))
Posted by: Debby Pucci | 10 May 2012 at 01:38 PM
Wishing you the best. My sister turned 45, got diagnosed with skin cancer and peri menopause the same week. She was most pissed off about the peri-menopause. You're not alone.
Posted by: rebecca | 10 May 2012 at 02:53 PM
Sending strength your way.
Personally, I say skip the test and give yourself the gift of time.
Posted by: Snow | 10 May 2012 at 05:52 PM
Thinking of you. Just that.
Posted by: Tracy | 10 May 2012 at 09:02 PM
Thinking and hoping good thoughts for you.
Posted by: pattib | 11 May 2012 at 07:40 AM
Positive thoughts being sent your way and I hope everything happens the way you want.
Posted by: DawnA | 11 May 2012 at 10:45 AM
Hell and monkeys. In your shoes, I'd hold out a bit longer. Being pissed at Aunt Flo for HER breaking the shitty news, if that is the case, rather then peeing on a stick and counting the tortuous (sp?) seconds would be my choice. Love and hugs to you, Shana.
Posted by: Jill | 11 May 2012 at 11:29 AM
Would wait - totally agree with Jill and Snow. It's early days in so many ways . .and finding out from blasted Aunt Flo might be less stressful than the whole purchase/ test thing. Sending thoughts prayers and hugs to you.
Posted by: Becki | 11 May 2012 at 11:38 AM
Thinking positive thoughts for you....I had a baby when most would have thought me too old. (I was 40 when I delivered Clare and I did FREAK out, at first).
And my sister in law, who will be 45 in June is due in Aug.(she and my brother also lost a child a year and a half ago.) Nothing is ever impossible.
And you certainly aren't a dissapointment to anyone.
Life isn't always fair...you are doing the best you can. We all are.
Posted by: Meg | 11 May 2012 at 12:46 PM
Ditto with Meg. I was told, too, no more babies for you and surprise, I had my second child at 40. (14 years after my first) Things can happen. And I'm hoping for happiness for all of you, no matter what the outcome is!
Posted by: teki | 11 May 2012 at 06:25 PM
Oh man. I don't know what to say. I am still hoping for another baby, the wrong side of 40, perimenopausal myself. Delusion. If I believed in prayer, I would pray for you, but I will send you love and wish you strength for whatever lies ahead. It's not enough, but it's all I've got. And hugs. I've got hugs. xx
Posted by: Virginia | 12 May 2012 at 02:42 AM
Thinking of you!!
Posted by: Sherri | 12 May 2012 at 12:18 PM
I just wish you peace, whatever the outcome.
Posted by: Bev | 12 May 2012 at 05:47 PM
I was 43 when I got pregnant for the 5th time, delivered a healthy baby at age 44, you can do this - if the opportunity comes around. She is now 10 and my constant companion...
Posted by: Pretzellu | 14 May 2012 at 10:14 AM
:( Love you Shana.
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