too long

Every once in awhile I ponder while standing and escaping life for a many mind numbing minute in the shower or right before I drop off into a restless, sweaty sleep on what exactly am I trying to accomplish on this space. If you can come up with this answer, please fill me in, okay?

Saturday marked the 7th year of posting awesome bits of absolute shit like this:

The passing of my pants

Tortured kid

The Sally Fields of Alcohol

Surprise, you are pregnant!

4 iv's later

All knowing 

What's left is basically three years of balls to the wall sadness. Just looking through the old posts I find I am quite amazed how clean my house used to be and how I am such a craptastic writer. and yes, how uncomfortable I've made quite a few with my honesty in being so sad.

Seven years. 681 total posts. 14,847 comments. 2,023,672 visitors. Some visitors stayed and many more left. Because I'm not peppy all the time. Because I'm not doing "it" right. 

This is where I am. I don't have a brand. I don't want to brand. I guess my life is my own personal brand. As one can tell, I don't take me, this site or my Facebook page seriously.  Maybe... I should or maybe..... I shouldn't.

For shits and giggles, comment and tell me how long you have read this site. Also, tell me what you get out this place, if anything. If you don't say anything. I'm cool with it. I've never been one for thinking this blogging thing was a popularity contest. I for sure know, I would never win.

 

 

 

 

Comments

[Cindy]

I read your blog because it's honest. No sugar-coating bullshit, no "put on a happy face and make my life appear to be perfect when we're really a fucking train wreck". It can sometimes be uncomfortable to read your posts, like I shouldn't be reading this because it's too personal, too raw for a stranger a thousand miles away to be peering into your life. You've been through some incredible shit and you're still standing which I find kick-ass and admirable. Plus, you like vodka and you swear like a sailor... two things I'm very fond of!

[Jessie]

I really enjoy your blog and your honesty. I don't believe I've ever commented before, but I do check you site almost every day.

[Cindy]

As I re-read that, I realized that the "trainwreck" sentence might sound like you guys are a fucking train wreck. That's not what I meant and it comes across like I'm an asshole. What I meant to say was that I've read other blogs that make their lives appear way too fucking perfect and they can't possibly be real. Sorry. My parents tried to teach me to "put your mind in motion before you put your mouth in gear", but I've never mastered that shit.

[Brandy]

I like that you are not happy everyday. I like that you try to find good sometimes, even in the bad. You write about life in a real way. Life is hard. Sometimes it fills your heart bucket up and sometimes it pisses on you. You are living with the death of your child. It is one of my worst fears.
I've been reading your blog regularly for years. I don't comment. I like that you are not a brand. Thank you for sharing; it helps me feel less alone.

[Cate]

I can't remember how I found your site. I think I was pregnant with my first baby (almost 5 now), or maybe it was the second? I was paranoid about losing my baby, came across your blog and just stayed. I am curious about you but you don't offer much - for some reason I think you will keep offering. I still check your site a lot. I've changed a lot too since I first found your site. I have 2 kids now, I live in France and things are so crazy different. I just seem to keep reading! I just keep hoping that you will somehow find your happy place. I keep hoping that for you.

[Sarah]

I started reading you right around the time Thalon died. I can't remember who linked to what where, but I think it was actually on Twitter. I don't blog or tweet anymore... I don't even do FB anymore. I pretty much never comment anywhere anymore. But when I did, it was frequently in your style of truth AND consequences. Anger and pain.. love and rage... imperfection and delight. Like Cindy said above, I don't always "enjoy" what you have to say, and sometimes if feels uncomfortable to read your thoughts - but they are honest, they are you, and they are valid. This leaves me almost feeling like I NEED to read them, like I'm obligated to... You deserve to be heard. Plus I'm my own train wreck, and I like knowing you're out there too, still screwing up, still dropping F-bombs, still loving your children, still getting up and dusting yourself off, slapping on some lipstick and going for it yet again, no matter how badly yesterday went. Because I like knowing I'm not the only one. And you kick ass for reminding me of that over and over and over again.

[Julie]

I honestly don't remember when I first started reading your blog, but it was sometime after Thalon's birth. I didn't comment for a very long time. I enjoy your blog, your honesty, and your kindness to strangers. What you have had to endure in your life, no one should have to endure.

[grace in chattanooga]

Somewhere between two and three years. What do I get? Contact with someone who is honest about how much things can utterly suck even when we try really hard to be and do good. And I ended up liking you, or the you that I see here and on FB. I don't have a ton of friends, IRL or on-line, because of my work hours and my personality is all too often harsh and un-mainstream. You seem like someone I would wish and hope would let me be her friend, even though I am the uncoolest of the uncool....

[Alison]

I can't remember how long I've been reading your blog. Five, six years? I like you. :)

[bjkazmi]

I check your site daily. You are just so real and unpretentious. You make me feel like I'm OK, because you admit your world is not perfect. So many folks have such "perfect" lives and children, and I always feel so inferior because mine are not even close to perfect. You are "just regular" and I love that about you. I would love having you for a neighbor. I feel certain I could sit with you and drink a glass of wine, say exactly what's on my mind, and you would not judge or criticize me. I know you are a good person just by reading your words. There is a house for sale in my neighborhood. How would you like to live in Albuquerque?

[mommabird2345]

I started reading your blog a couple of years ago. I read it because you are honest and real. I like your, say it as it is, style. I feel that a lot of "branded" blogs have become a persona, rather than real people in real situations. Keep doing what you're doing and I'll keep coming back.

[Laura]

I started reading after your tragedy. As someone above mentioned, it isn't always comfortable reading your posts. I think I continue reading because I'm hoping that I will someday hear that you are doing 'better'. I know that sounds so simplistic and ridiculous. I do WISH that you were happier, but I also appreciate how raw and honest you are with us. Best wishes always.

[Titanium]

I found my way to your site about a month after Thalon died. Every sentence, every post, every paragraph- ripped my heart out. You are raw, honest, authentic, real. broken. fractured. incredible. tenacious. vibrant. amazing. powerful.

I like you. Exactly as you are. I cried with you, reading your words, more times than I can count. My asshat computer doesn't always let me comment, but I read every post you share.

You've been a source of profound inspiration to me. You wrote the book on what surviving looks like, feels like, tastes like. Forget the branding- that shit hurts. Just write (as you always do). It's beautiful and so are you.

What do I get from visiting you here? Relief from the shallow, the hollow, the unnecessarily vapid and sappy blather that proliferates throughout the interwebs. I get to pause, to breathe, to share something actual. Something in process.

No one said it had to be pretty. And yet, somehow, you make it all indescribably elegant- in the raw.

[Andra]

Hi. I've been reading your blog since you were pregnant with Thalon. I've been hooked ever since. Hooked on your humor, family happenings and your beautiful girls (but not in a creepy way. sheesh.) I'm a mother also and I find it refreshing that we, as parents, are going through some of the same struggles with trying to mold and shape their little minds. Thanks for always sharing. I have you on my RSS feeds so I've seen it all - even the posts you take down. I read one you deleted a few weeks ago and I wanted to meet you at Starbucks (or the bar) because I'm going through/been through the same difficulties. It would be nice to talk to another smart woman who asks herself the same things. I don't plan on not keeping up with y'all so don't stop writing. Thanks, lady. I'm proud of ya.

[D]

I've been reading for over 4 years...although how much longer, I don't know.
I enjoy your honesty.
I enjoy your style I guess...whit, sarcasm, in your face, straight forward love of your kids.
I like checking in to see how you are doing.

[Becki]

Have been reading since your tragedy - I think AMALAH's blog referenced yours.

Your honesty and willingness to share it is a blessing and some of those who silently pass through have been helped i am sure!!!

I can't quit you - would worry about you too much, lol!

{{{HUGS}}}

[Becky]

I can't really say anything that Cindy didn't in the first comment on this post. You're fucking awesome. The end.

[Megan]

I've been reading a long time and don't even remember how I got here. I don't believe I've ever commented before... I love that you are real. I can relate to a lot of what you say even though my life experiences are different. I don't enjoy the fake sugar coated "my life is perfect while I raise 10 beautiful kids" bullshit. I want to read about people who's life is like mine, someone I would have a beer with.

[Whiskeymarie]

I think I've been reading since mid '07, my first full year of blogging. Man, a lot has changed since then, hasn't it? We're totally old-school at this point.

[Ashley]

Wow. 'Titanium' said it best. I could say "ditto" to that post.... raw, honest, blunt, REAL. The only other blog I read that is as real as yours is The Spohrs. Sadly, I found you both after losing your babies... I love the real-ness. I hope you keep going, but if you don't I totally understand.

[Ninabi]

I began reading your blog when I read on another (Whoorl, I believe) that you lost your little son Thalon. I read out of respect, because what you wrote deserved to be read, your son remembered and honored by your writing.

I come here because you write the raw truth, mixing sorrow and hilarity as bedfellows. I get that- without humor, I'd collapse at times. As a mother myself, I cheer on your beautiful daughters, wanting things to go well for them and remembering when my own had an obsession with all things American Girl long ago.

I read because you write so damned well.

[a]

You know what I like about you? You aren't pretending there's some magical resolution to a shitty hand dealt by life.

[Heather]

One of your Halloween posts was linked to another blog I follow, can't even rememeber which one now. I was instantly hooked.

I stay because you're fucking hilarious and you keep shit real. Also, because I grew to love your little family.

[Amy N]

Found my way to you after Thalon died (through Twitter? through the Spohrs? can't remember). Keep reading for the real-ness of you. Have dropped several other blogs that have tried to go all shiny and pretty in the face of real life. I can't stomach that. Your blog is the antidote. I'm sorry you're still suffering (and will be forever), but I appreciate that you keep going...and with a delightfully wicked sense of humor sometimes. My kind of humor. For that, you are a hero.

[Issascrazyworld]

I found you when Thalon died. Sorry that's the reason, but there it is. I have read all of your archives, so that has to count for something. It's been good seeing you in my reader more the past 6 weeks or so.

I stay because of your honesty. :)

[pdxhadey]

Like some other commenters, I was directed to your blog shortly after Thalon passed away, and have been reading ever since. I stay because I want to know how you're holding up, how the girls are doing (I have two girls myself), and because you keep it so damn real. Life isn't always "roses and moonshine" as my dad says, and damn, don't you let me know that it's OK to not always put on a happy face when sometimes life is just shitty.

[Fluffycat]

Started reading when you were pregnant with Thalon, a funny post about finding clothes and some weird woman giving you her old "fat" clothes or something... keep reading like all the others have said. Value your honesty and want you to all feel better.

[Georgia]

I started reading right before Thalon died and I mean RIGHT before - like a week or so. I don't remember where I came from to land here though. Your sense of humor spoke to me and I related to you in many ways. It seemed so unreal when he died - I couldn't even put into words my shock and sadness for you and your family and I hardly 'knew' you. I've kept reading because I wanted to know you were feeling better eventually and because on some level I felt like I was supporting you through your grief by reading - dumb but true. I still read because you break it all down in real terms and I appreciate and value that a great deal. Thank you.

[little miss mel]

Ha. I have no idea?? Maybe since Sarah started blogging? Sounds about right. I read you because I've liked you from the get-go. I also read you because I know you in person, a bit, and I like that girl too. :X

[Gina]

I've been reading your blog for about 4 years, but have commented only once. I agree with everything Cindy (the first commenter) wrote. I love your humor and your honesty. I wish I lived near you so we could booze and cuss together.

[sizzle]

I've been here a long, long time. I count you as one of my first blog friends. The fact that we haven't met face-to-face is just ridiculous at this point. I will always stick around, happy or sad, my friend.

xoxo

[Michelle]

I found you through the Spohr's. NEVER comment, but read frequently. I think your realness is what I'm drawn too. If I'm being honest too, I believe I read in hopes that as time continues to pass more light comes into your life. You've had a shitty hand dealt. I think you do an amazing job telling it like it is.

[Amy]

I am a mother who lost her son (suddenly, of complications from the flu) and so I found you and have ridden your roller coaster. I check in every week to see how you are; and silently compare where you are with where I was, and am, and feel less alone. It's awful, and tragic; but you also make me laugh with your honesty. It never really gets better, Gorillabuns, but it does change. The glimmers of joy come through a little more frequently, and you realize that life goes on whether you want it to or not. For me, 7 and a half years. I'm a different person and so are you, but it's okay to be different. I love your writing, and I so appreciate that you are willing to share your life, warts and all.

[Lisa]

I found you through someone's blog roll, about a week before Thalon died. I thought you were funny and real, and then I stuck around because your writing is just so revealing. Its painful and not always comfortable, but its a real slice of your life. Totally honest, in a way I am not on my own blog (and will never be, since my family reads my blog). Sometimes I cry when I read your blog. Even though we've never met I think about you often (not in a creepy way! just in a "sending good wishes your way" kind of way).

[Sarah]

Honestly, I stick around because I love your 'voice'. I love your raw truthfulness mixed with humour. You have a sharp acerbic wit. You also remind me of Roseanne Barr - man I love that woman!

[Kristin]

I love your writing and your ability to be so honest... (I suffer with the inability to do so which is why I very rarely post... all the things I want to talk about are so personal and yes, maybe even uncomfortable, that I can't quite seem to hit, "Publish")

I don't remember when I first read your blog but I remember when you were pregnant and feeling happy for you in that way the Internet has of connecting people who don't really "know" each other.. I felt such joy for you when he was born and I mourned his loss for you and your family...

You are brave, Shana and your refusal to try and depict some sort of Anthropologie catalog existence is refreshing ... your reality is powerful.

[M]

I also found you through a link on Lost and Found, Connections Abound after Thalon died. I came to offer my condolences on an unimaginable loss. I stayed because I love your honesty, your writing, your humor - just YOU! I've often wished we lived closer because I'd love to have you as a friend IRL (and to meet those adorable girls of yours, too!). Hugs, friend!

[InDueTime]

I can't remember how long I've been reading your blog, but I've been blogging 7 years in August! It's frightening to see the UPS and downs.

I love you and your blog. I stay because you haven't kicked me out yet. Ha! <3

Lots of love to you friend, xo!

[serenity]

I also found you when Thalon died. You are wickedly funny and SO honest. I don't often comment, but I read every post.

[Jewl]

I was sent the link by a friend shortly after Thalon passed. I cried with so many others for you and with you. I read because you are real. Not all happy happy joy joy. I can't stand people that are always freaking positive. Sometimes life sucks and its okay to just say it sucks. Thanks for sharing your life. And I think of you and your family often (not in a freakish stalker sort of way) just that I hope you are doing well. If you're ever in AZ (although I don't know why anyone would bother with this sweltering hellhole) look me up, I think we would have some fun --my daughter would love your girls, she is saving for one of those damn dolls! take care!

[Tricia (irishsamom)]

I've been reading about two years now. I find you honest, raw and funny as hell. I ache for you every time I read about your beautiful baby. I love the way you parent and how you reflect real life, not only the perfect moments (of which there are none, as you know ...) I love the fierce love that you have for your children, because I can so relate to that. You're passionate, you're real and I hope you write a book. : ) Plus you say what every Mom in the carpool line is REALLY thinking! heh

[Erin]

I've been reading for a few years now -- I have you on my google reader. Like a few others - I like that you're honest and raw. And ... you love vodka (well yeah) and swear well!

[Autumn]

I've been reading this site for 3 years. I can't remember how I started but I read every post. I love your honesty in a world of mommy bloggers who portray a picturesque life I often don't relate to. You keep it real. Keep your head up, I only have one daughter and have been trying unsuccessfully at baby 2. The loss you've experienced is unfathomable. I am impressed you have it as together as you do.

[m]

i found your blog through kris's blog- i think about 5.5 years ago- and i have no clue how i found her blog, but i wish she still wrote in it. you're funny, smart, you tell good stories and you're a good writer. i like that you keep it real and i found that i could relate to you- even though at the time i was single with no children and you were married with 2 children. now i'm married with 2 children and i relate to you on a different level. anyway, i will remember forever the time i was sitting in a starbuck's half a country away, clicked onto your blog and saw that adorable Thalon was in danger of losing his life. i couldn't believe my eyes. my heart still breaks for you. anyway, i read you before and i read you after and you are a different person (i don't mean this in a bad way). i don't know why this had to happen to you and your wonderful little family. anyway, it is painful to see what you've had to go through and i wish i could take it all away. you are seriously cool as shit and i know for a fact that if you were my next door neighbor i would force you to like me and hang out w me.

[KK]

I {heart} Cindy's summary. It's spot on.

[Allison]

I found this blog about 3 years ago...you were raw from Thalon's untimely death, I was raw from being diagnosed with a chronic auto-immune condition that was in full-on flare mode leaving me housebound. What's the saying...misery loves company? You were then and always will be one of my favorite bloggers. I love that you swear, drink and speak openly about your imperfections. I know too many women who fake happiness, make-up special moments with their kids, and fabricate sweet nothings with their husbands,just to try and lure in an advertiser...You, my dear, are keeping it real. You make me laugh out loud...I'm funny but, you are really funny. I wish we were friends in real life :)

[CJ]

I've been reading for over two years or so. I keep reading because you tell the truth: life isn't beautiful sometimes and it's disingenuous to pretend that it always is.

[Christine]

I believe I started following you about 4 yrs ago. I have just always felt that you were an old friend who I was sitting on the couch with drinking wine. I have read thru your saddness and never once felt uncomfortable but more sad with you and shed tears for you over here in California. We are the same age, I have two boys about your girls ages, and I am dealing with my own personal tragedies here too...a husband with a terminal illness. I hope that you will continue to put the good, bad and funny out there still. You are a gem Shana, sometimes a little rough around the edges but those of us who get you, can still see your brilliance shining thru your posts. xoxo

[Carrisa]

I'd seen your name around the internets, but I can't remember exactly how we "met" online. I am sure it had something to do with Isabel. Or possibly Sizzle. I read because I like you. I like your sense of humor and that you don't take yourself too seriously. You've been through some awful shit and sometimes I don't know how to respond to it so I don't comment. But I read. And I care. Vodka.

[Tina]

I found you thru another blog--Flotsam? Spohr?--but I can't remember which one. Started reading & couldn't stop, because it's so refreshing to read a blog that isn't all about blowing sunshine up my ass. I stay for the same reason, & because you make me laugh on the Book o' Face. Someday, my friend, we shall own a food/bar truck, & we will rock. Just sayin'.