growing pains

Y'all remember "Growing Pains?" From the 80's? I KNOW you know Kirk Cameron's "Left Behind" series.... *cough* *snort* zealous rendition of the end of days...

Yeah, he was from that odd series. Whatever....

Man, I am so good an NOT getting to the point..

I was never quite sure what the premises of "The Growing Pains" show was really about except for some pure white Wonder Bread shit spewed about people in Izod's and Polo's taking on real life biz in tha 'hood, Yo! You know. Popularity, life lessons of drinking, oppression, curfews and the man.

This is where I am at the moment. Not necessarily in that order. Because the only "the Man" in my life is my husband and well, it is way to hard to please him and make him understand what I do day to day.

Nothing to be exact.

I want to move on. I want to move on from being a poster child of death and well, depressing shit. Though... it is a part of me that I'll never be able to give up.  For years, I have been trying to move seven years of my trivial shit to a new platform but I've always been too lazy to learn code, new language and well, to design a meaningful header that really personifies what this site means to me. Instead, I'm comforted in static and what I know. Because it is way easier.

I'm in the process of finally changing. "Don't call it a "New Year Resolution" because those are strong words... strong fighting words.... but I do want to change things up a bit in my life. I DO want to define myself more than being the drunken, slang-ridden, whore I personify myself to me.

So what if I AM all of these things, I want to clean it up a bit. Don't worry. My love of reprehensible language will always prevail. (Sorry. I have to pay many pennies into the swear jar every day because I'm not as polished as I should be from the many lessons burned into my brain from my childhood.)

Anyway, I need a fresh start. A change and to be more coherent in my thought process.

So, I'm trying to change to a new site and a new format. More clean. In WordPress.If you even know what this site means.

I have to admit, I'm a total creature of habit and want to cling on to my old ways.

I've started this site....

Don't worry. The header won't stay. It is just for placement. I can't be crass all the time. Just waiting on my knowledge of Illustrator to kick in or for someone to design the shit out of my new site  which has yet been decided on keeping.....

Complete with no ads and well, not a lot of old junk.

So, should I change to a new format? Do y'all know even WordPress? Do you know how to transfer seven years of total crap? or should I change to a new name and forget the past.

Should I stay with what is comfortable? What I know? Full of painful memories? Full of total fluff? Should I stay with my status quo?

Speaking of that white, spongy jar of marshmellowy fluff inhabiting my cabinet, I am thinking of capturing my travels of death and destruction from the past year and more... in a more cohesive format for all of the depressing kind to read and maybe... relate to.Like in a semi-book.

Should I? Should I further dissect "a real life account" of death and grief of a child? or are there too many books and personal accounts out there? Saturating the world.

My StatCounter tells me, no.

The random faceless numbers and links tell me I need to further put myself out there and really tell others what the grief of losing (not that I misplaced my child in a drawer or cabinet) a child is like then, there and now.

Maybe even more in-depth from what I've shared here.

I'm wondering if I can do it and sound well... smart and insightful.

One thing I know for sure, I would totally need someone to proofread my grammar and punctuation.

*Cue! I need help, y'all! with both website and verbiage.*

I'm totally stunted in this area as quite a few other areas in my life.

OR

maybe I should totally scrap this idea and write smut.

Yea, smut with total implausible story lines complete with fantastical scenarios for all to devour and scan should be my next direction.

SEX and trysts abounding. Screw the death and sadness.

Yea, that might be the ticket. for me.

 

 

 

Comments

[a]

Um, yes to everything! I'm a halfway decent (totally non-professional) copy editor, so I'd be happy to help with grammar and punctuation. :)

[a]

Also, Wordpress annoys me sometimes, but people seem to like its functionality.

[Becki]

Love the way it looks. I say bring everything over but bring in categories so you, and readers, can compartmentalize.

And you NEED to read a book - there can never be too many of those out there PLUS I don't think there are many who could address the situation with your candor and ascerbic wit (Plus you have that whole running subplot of crazy dysfunctional Dad which explains/adds alot to the mix - people need to see others in their trueness - not just those that have worked anything out.)

My caution would be - can you do it and leave the reader with at least a modicum of hope? I think that's important . . .and you seem to be "better" whatever that means - and sharing that could be life saving for another grieving Mom.

[flurrious]

I use the free version of WordPress and it kind of sucks. They've made a ton of changes in the past year that make it a lot less usable, seemingly to force people to purchase the paid upgrades. Unless Typepad is really heinous and you want to dump it, you might find it less frustrating to redesign this site than to migrate to a different platform.

[Missy]

Was the Delaware sign a shout out to me?? I would love to think so, so, I will! I love you and what you write, will stay with you here, follow you there. Just stay true to you , you don't have to change for anybody, your quite divine the way you are.

[sizzle]

While I think you'd write excellent smut, I like this idea of starting fresh for you. You DO have a story to tell and for no other reason than for YOURSELF to put it in a place that is new, that is just for you, is reason enough. Write that memoir, friend. People will read when you're true to your own heart. Follow that.

[Kristabella]

I've only ever been on Wordpress and I love it. Way better than the other platforms, in my opinion. It's better to go on the self-hosted side, though.

I will follow you wherever you write. I think YOU need to do what you want. We love you, so we will support you in whatever you choose!

[Christy]

I've had a great experience with wordpress the last 4 years. I like the idea of a fresh start {says the woman who hasn't updated her site in 3 years} and I vote to keep the header image, for it is made of awesome.

[Georgia]

I'm going to keep reading no matter what but I like the idea of a fresh canvas for you - who knows what might end up on it!? I know nothing about Wordpress so no help there -

[Sarah]

I've had some experience with the paid Wordpress and liked it, but moving things sucks! LOL. I watched my husband fight with that for a couple of weeks.

I think you should totally write it. Literally write your heart out, if you will. Out would be good for you, regardless. I would write it then decide if I still wanted to share it.. I am also a non-professional proofreader, and would be happy to help. I do think that while there are a lot of books dealing with the death of one's child, but I agree that you have a unique voice, and your family's experience would mean a lot to an audience most books just don't necessarily speak to, you know? :-)

I like the idea of your being able to break up what you have into sections. I think for sure keep it all.

You could always add a new section of Smut!! to the blog... ;-)

[Tonya]

I agree with Kristabella. You write what you want! Except fluff. I hate fluff. And honestly, I think I am so drawn to you because you and I are a lot alike, which means I don't even think you would be capable of fluff. ;)

And you DO have a story to tell. For yourself and for others who find themselves in that horrible place as well. It's important for people who are grieving to be supported by others who can identify. While most of us can be compassionate and feel sympathy, only those who have lost a child can relate. A mother who has just lost her child may come across your blog and think, ok.....she's alive, and coping, and mothering her children, and managing to laugh and make others laugh.....maybe I can too. You have an amazing strength. Please keep sharing when you feel led.

I love the new format. I also love the new bangs and indent I've told you that yet! I also love your makeup artist. That picture is priceless. :)

[Mommabird2345]

I'll read no matter where you decide to write. I think the new site looks great. May you have an easy transition over to wordpress.

[Brenda]

Maybe you could do both!!! One for catharsis and the other for money!!! Something tells me you'd do good "smut" :)

I'll keep reading, Shana.

Brenda

[CJ]

I think the autobiographical book would be a marvelous idea. You wouldn't even have to turn it into a narrative form - set it up like a journal and you could basically use your posts as you originally wrote them (with necessary editing/polishing for publication, dunno what they require for that). At the very least, I imagine that it would be cathartic for you.

And I agree with the previous commenter that the story would need hope, but frankly I glean a lot of hope from the way you write about your love for all three of your children and how you delight in the way they've grown and blossomed. And if nothing else, the story's still not done, right? A lot will happen between now and when you finish compiling the book.

I remember some while back you mentioned speaking with another woman who had lost a child many years ago and how you appreciated her advice and understanding, even just that it would always suck and that it happened to her, too. Words of affirmation. I think your writing does that for other parents, and publishing would widen that audience to other people who would benefit. Your raw writing style is wonderful because it doesn't sugarcoat anything and frankly, the stuff you've gone through, what the hell of it could even be sugarcoated? Sugarcoating denies what it is and how it felt. What you write is a testimony to what you've been through.

So my unauthorized advice from a long-time reader is to go for it. What you have and who you are is valuable.

[Ashley Hast]

I have nothing worthwhile or life-changing to say, as usual. What's new? I've thought about picking up blogging again myself, but haven't done more than that. Yet. I like you, your snarkiness, and I'm appreciative of your use of those slur words (I've got a problem with that one, myself). I *think* I was going somewhere with that statement, but my ADD kicked in and I forgot what I'd planned to say. I love you, and I'll follow you wherever you go - blogging or otherwise, with a small bottle of whiskey tucked in my bosom....just in case.

[Page]

Write a book. I'll proof it for you. Totes serious. And then I will pay cash money for a copy and refer the hell out of it.*

*just please don't judge my grammatical skills by this comment, please please.

[DawnA]

Write TWO books-one smutty, the other your experience. And even if you don't publish I find putting words on paper allows you to say things you might not normally say out loud. And the paper does not care or judge! By the way I think "Bitch Please" should be your catch phrase.....I'll buy the t-shirt.

[Jill]

Smut sells....so if vodka payments is the goal, then get all smutty, and hell yeah, I'll proof-read. My "real life" job is QA for a big ole company, so I think I could help ya. lol The fact that you're thinking of doing the new site, and playing with the idea of sharing more of your life and heart and all the moments you've lived through is....awesome. I know its not why you're thinking of doing it, but you are awesome. Just thought you should know this, girl. :)

[Betsy]

I will read whatever you choose to write:)

[Ashley]

I'll read ya anywhere.... I love real stuff and you are real w/o any of that fluffy shit <3

[Jessica]

I am delurking to comment. I have followed your blog for a few years now, and your story about your son has been a touchstone for me in terms of helping me understand the grief of a parent's loss. Your perspective is invaluable to me. As a side note, I always come back to check your site because I am rooting for you to find happiness and meaning among the absolute tragedy that you experienced. I am always happy to see you still here, still kicking, and still making me laugh and cry. If you write a book, I will read it.