One of our very good friends shared with us she is pregnant with her third child the other night. Moira was quite excited about the whole prospect of someone having a baby. "Babies are totally neat!" Celia on the other hand, not-s0-much. She still hasn't forgiven me and my dried out innards for not reproducing like a rabbit. If she could have one wish in the whole world, other than another American Girl, it would be another sibling running around these parts. Yea, me too, sister. Yea, me too.
The next day after school while we are attacking their homework, Moira, out of the blue asked, "how exactly did, ***, get pregnant?" Celia looked at me with disgust and said she didn't want to hear anything about this subject. I looked at Moira and simply stated, "they had sexual intercourse." She dumbed it down for Celia and me by saying, "you mean sex?"
"Yes. Sex." A long pause ensued mainly because I'm wondering if she really knows what sex is other than by it being a dirty and taboo word for her. Celia then screams, "I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS! THIS IS DISGUSTING! YOU SAID THE "S" WORD!"
Moira wrinkled her nose and blurted out, "Ummm.... I didn't think that "K" and "G" did that sort of thing."
"Where do you think "M" and "A" came from?"
"I don't know. I thought they sorta just happened."
"You know that your Father and I have had sex/sexual intercourse to have you two, right?"
They both looked at me like this information was no surprise to them. I at that moment started panicking and did a mental back-up of years of late evenings; wondering if they had ever barged into our room during such an episode. I can't remember if they have and I pray to God they haven't but then again by their "you dirty whore" looks. I wouldn't be surprised to find out someone had crept in while we were unaware.
"So, they only had sex like three times, right?" "What ever you want to believe, dear." Have I mentioned, Celia, is still screaming in the background "to make it stop!!"
I also start to wonder how I'm going to explain what sex really means. I really don't want to get into the whole penis and sperm dealio right now because, OH, MY, GOD!!! I'm having a panic attack right now! Where is their father!?!?
"How does it get in there? Does the baby just comes out of the vagina?"
"Nope, that would be the uterus....." Shit! I'm waayy to sober for this conversation....
"You know how baby chickens hatch from a egg? It's kinda like this only you have thousands of itty-bitty eggs in your body. Like you have them right now. You are born with them and then when a mother and father decide they are ready to have a baby, the egg travels down a tube system, drops into the uterus and is fertilized."
Never mind that I am glazing over too much while telling too much in the process. At this point, I'm confusing myself.
"Mommy, can you draw me a picture of what you are talking about?"
shit.
I proceed to draw a picture. Celia (I told you I freaking don't want to know this shit!), looks over at what I'm explaining all the while feining non-interest. and horror.
"eggs..... ovaries.... fallopian tubes..... uterus.... vagina is here......" please, don't ask how it really gets fertilized.....
"Man! This picture looks like a reindeer! Ha Ha!!! Can I draw eyes on this?"
Yep, my job is done here.
That is seriously one the of funniest things I have heard in a very long time. You must immediately take that picture and get it laminated so that when she is going to her senior prom or brings a boy home from college you can bring it out and explain the "birds and the bees" reindeer style to them. Oh my! This is why you blog. So you never forget this stuff with your kids, feelings, details, emphasis on what was important at that moment. Oh my! That is priceless!
Posted by: Julie | 01 February 2013 at 02:05 PM
Hahahahahahahaha!!! It's a non-stop laugh riot at your house, isn't it? I hope that picture is permanently posted on the refrigerator!
Posted by: a | 01 February 2013 at 02:19 PM
Oh my God I am laughing so hard.
I do appreciate the graphic explaining the difference between 20 year old boobs and 40 year old boobs.
Sex Ed at school never discusses this.
Posted by: Ninabi | 01 February 2013 at 02:44 PM
And that right there is why she is my favorite! AWESOME!
Posted by: Kristabella | 01 February 2013 at 03:40 PM
Hilarious!!!!! We've been talking nonstop about vaginas and how the baby comes out around here, but there has been no mention about how the baby got in there in the first place. I'll have them call you when they start asking! ;)
Posted by: 180360 | 01 February 2013 at 05:45 PM
Shit! I'm waayy to sober to READ this conversation... lol.
That talk is right around the corner.
At least yours doesn't involve the phrase "so this old Belgium man who stank of French aftershave helped us make you guys in a petri dish..."
Your girls make me laugh.
YOU, momma, make me laugh.
Posted by: Tracie | 01 February 2013 at 10:00 PM
You skipped the part about first you get married...that's where I always started :)
But the reindeer...you had me on that one :)
Posted by: M | 01 February 2013 at 10:56 PM
Well that solves how I'm going to tackle this subject with my daughter. She can read so I'll just show her this post! Thanks for that! Lol
Posted by: noelle | 02 February 2013 at 08:54 AM
This is so funny! I think you did a pretty good job and answering the questions.
Posted by: Debby Pucci | 02 February 2013 at 10:29 AM
Ack. Miles keeps asking how God got his parts and got them in me to be born? And my teenagers snicker and say, "Yeah mom....how?" Oy vey. I am telling Miles you will scan and email him a schematic of how things work.
Posted by: Shauna | 02 February 2013 at 08:34 PM
The great thing about having an IVF baby is that you can explain where she came from without ever uttering the s word. "When a man and a woman love each other very much, they go see a very expensive doctor..."
Posted by: Tracy | 02 February 2013 at 08:59 PM
OMG, you just made me laugh out loud at work...I mean, they know I'm cracked, but now they have more proof. lol I'm so glad i have a dog- he doesn't care how babies get made, or where they come from. He's not allowed to date until he's 10, anyway. ;) Have a great day, girl- you've given me the mental image of reproducing reindeers now. (yes, my mind works in weird, odd, and sometimes fully disturbing ways)
Posted by: Jill | 04 February 2013 at 11:25 AM
Well, all things considered, that went very well! I semi-dreaded the question "So that's how babies get OUT of your vagina but how do they get in there?" Got it last fall from my 11-year old. I gave a true yet not highly detailed response and was met with a long silent look that either said ' no shit lady' or HOLY CRAP you've got to be kidding me. I'm still not sure which...
Posted by: Georgia | 04 February 2013 at 01:08 PM
This is cracking me up.
Posted by: sizzle | 04 February 2013 at 05:32 PM
Hehe. This is a good one. I have told two children..years ago. With the help of a cartoon book. Oh, Lord..where did I put that book. I have an innocent 10 year old son, that doesn't know a thing..and hasn't asked. He will probably remain a virgin until 30...or 40. The 6 year old...damn he may teach the 10 year old. Must go find that book!
Posted by: shan | 05 February 2013 at 10:04 AM
That is sooo funny...and you truly are a gifted artist. You'll have to check this Julia Sweeney (former cast member of SNL) explaining sex to her 8 year old daughter. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry-LwxR746s
pretty funny too!
Posted by: Kate | 05 February 2013 at 10:51 AM
oh. my. god. so funny.... I needed that laugh today. Giggling @ my desk. Someone walks in, seems me laughing, no one else here, turns around and walks out.
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