One of our very good friends shared with us she is pregnant with her third child the other night. Moira was quite excited about the whole prospect of someone having a baby. "Babies are totally neat!" Celia on the other hand, not-s0-much. She still hasn't forgiven me and my dried out innards for not reproducing like a rabbit. If she could have one wish in the whole world, other than another American Girl, it would be another sibling running around these parts. Yea, me too, sister. Yea, me too.
The next day after school while we are attacking their homework, Moira, out of the blue asked, "how exactly did, ***, get pregnant?" Celia looked at me with disgust and said she didn't want to hear anything about this subject. I looked at Moira and simply stated, "they had sexual intercourse." She dumbed it down for Celia and me by saying, "you mean sex?"
"Yes. Sex." A long pause ensued mainly because I'm wondering if she really knows what sex is other than by it being a dirty and taboo word for her. Celia then screams, "I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THIS! THIS IS DISGUSTING! YOU SAID THE "S" WORD!"
Moira wrinkled her nose and blurted out, "Ummm.... I didn't think that "K" and "G" did that sort of thing."
"Where do you think "M" and "A" came from?"
"I don't know. I thought they sorta just happened."
"You know that your Father and I have had sex/sexual intercourse to have you two, right?"
They both looked at me like this information was no surprise to them. I at that moment started panicking and did a mental back-up of years of late evenings; wondering if they had ever barged into our room during such an episode. I can't remember if they have and I pray to God they haven't but then again by their "you dirty whore" looks. I wouldn't be surprised to find out someone had crept in while we were unaware.
"So, they only had sex like three times, right?" "What ever you want to believe, dear." Have I mentioned, Celia, is still screaming in the background "to make it stop!!"
I also start to wonder how I'm going to explain what sex really means. I really don't want to get into the whole penis and sperm dealio right now because, OH, MY, GOD!!! I'm having a panic attack right now! Where is their father!?!?
"How does it get in there? Does the baby just comes out of the vagina?"
"Nope, that would be the uterus....." Shit! I'm waayy to sober for this conversation....
"You know how baby chickens hatch from a egg? It's kinda like this only you have thousands of itty-bitty eggs in your body. Like you have them right now. You are born with them and then when a mother and father decide they are ready to have a baby, the egg travels down a tube system, drops into the uterus and is fertilized."
Never mind that I am glazing over too much while telling too much in the process. At this point, I'm confusing myself.
"Mommy, can you draw me a picture of what you are talking about?"
I proceed to draw a picture. Celia (I told you I freaking don't want to know this shit!), looks over at what I'm explaining all the while feining non-interest. and horror.
"eggs..... ovaries.... fallopian tubes..... uterus.... vagina is here......" please, don't ask how it really gets fertilized.....
"Man! This picture looks like a reindeer! Ha Ha!!! Can I draw eyes on this?"