Man, Oh, Man! Have I have had a rough couple of days.
Back story in case you didn't know because obviously you are new to this site: I started this place of self-exploration and purging something of the like, almost nine years ago. To say I have gone through a metamorphose of sorts would be an understatement. When I started this place of expungement, I was a mother of two under three. My husband traveled quite a bit and I was trying to find my voice after being a strong independent person who used to be in a professional male-dominated work-force.
Yea, I was a ball-buster because I was supposed to be in my profession. I had to learn to take criticism with a grain of salt. I then had a tragedy occur and learned a whole new set of criticism to take in and dissect.
I grew after writing stupid and insipid posts about my hat collection and self-imposing commentary over children's books.
You have watched my children grow up along side us. (Do we ever really grow up? Nope. I sure haven't.) Do we ever become the adults in which we think and hope we are to be? Just ask your parents if you are wanting an honest answer to this question.
You have watched a myriad of emotions spewed forth my lungs from finding out I was pregnant to finding out who our last family member would be...
YOU have watched, witnessed and lived through the past five years of a new child, the love and adoration and death of my life-line of love being taken away.
If you so choose to still take on this crazy ride afterwards, I might say you are a glutton for punishment. Only so far as to say, this space, this platform if you will, has never been pretty and mellifluous.
It has been raw, uncomfortable and well, pretty straight-forward.
Something akin to my life as I live it.
I could barely handle knowing this public platform went viral after delivering Thalon.
I was stopped in restaurants and had to explain to my friends, what exactly was Gorillabuns was when I was just trying to have a margarita and chips with these said friends. I was embarrassed for then to know anyone local read what I wrote.
When Thalon died, I then had to explain to friends and foe what the hell I had written about nothing for the four years prior of knowing about the existence of this site. To say I was embarrassed but kept on because I HAD TO for myself was something I couldn't explain to family, friends or strangers. I always knew, I had to keep on. To prove I still have a voice when I felt like I was losing it slowly... day by miserable day.
Anyone who has known me personally and not-so-personally, for any amount of time, knows, this place has existed.
Even if we haven't talked about it, like you know in Fight Club. (You know, the number one rule of Fight Club is you DON'T TALK ABOUT IT!)
This place where I can be the ultimate purger of my sins and transgressions is the place in which I expunge all of my demons and frustrations without judgement (even if I know it is very public) has always been my cheap-ass therapy.
I write it, it is purged and done with for me. I've released it. Not holding it in to fester and decay like a cancer.
This place has always been my safe place to feel comfortable to talk about my deep and dark feelings that well.... everyone feels but doesn't outright say... because most are not honest with themselves. and most know, no one will read them. Something of a personal journal that is hidden underneath your mattress but in all actuality, it is not. Because you publish this shit for all to read because you guess you can't help yourself.
Because mainly, you want to be heard. From someone. Anyone. To feel a commonality of sorts. but not really to be judged.
It seems after nine years of pouring my heart out in both a superficial and direct kind of way, I've been called out for my words.
Not words as of late that I'm particularly proud of or productive but words nonetheless - I've put it all out there. Out of frustration, anger and self-defeat.
It seems this place where I have always felt like I could work out my frustration and thoughts have had the up-most betrayal in my personal life.
Where I've been called out after a few posts of being most hateful and venomous in my statements.
Where family members are so very sorry my husband who has to put up with my horrible disgusting soul... poor man...
because I SO DID NOT DIRECT THEM TO THIS SITE!!@!
Yea, I probably was. You are right, I was disgusting! I own it. I shouldn't have said what I said in my last two posts of nine fucking years. but I never thought I would have to apologize for it here. Mainly because trying to communicate with others in my direct life has been quite fruitless. I'm always the bad guy. I've never measured up and I can never make anyone happy. I've pretty much documented these encounters throughout this blogs existence. To say I've been embraced by everyone is quite an understatement. I have smiled while you have deprecated me to my face. You know, play the fool you want me to be. Though no one will ever take on any accountability for these actions.
BUT! If you want me to be the bad guy. I'll take it on. I'll be the demon of your actions. I'm fully capable of handling these emotions. I'll call a spade a spade. To make peace with EVERYONE! I'm the bad guy, no one else is. I'm not quite sure what else I need to do to make the peace. Kill myself? Cut myself? Divorce? I'm not sure any of these actions would make a bit of difference.
I. am. so. frustrated.
If I had known at 31 when I got married, I would have to put my husband, my children and myself through this shit, I for sure would have saved everyone the merriment and not have entrenched ourselves with such folly.
Knowing how this craziness has affected my family, not because a few words in the past month from me, but of others actions in the past years has affected our family, I would have gladly saved all of us the trouble.
The whole fam-damly trouble. of having to feel like they have to choose sides. In which I don't ask them to. In which I don't even talk about shit with them. Because it is not about them.
I'm so tired.
so very tired of being the bad guy. For always being wrong. For always apologizing for illogical behavior.
I am quite defeated. I feel like I am constantly playing a game of chess in which I can't still figure out the rules and know, I'll never win.
Thankfully, I know, though no one else seems to know or care in this family, I am a good wife. I am a good mother and I am a damn good person. I care deeply and very hard. and can actually find the beauty in a person who finds all the negative in me.
I really wonder when this family after me being here for 23 + years, will ever find the beauty and positive in me. I mean, DUDE! I try so very hard! I know they don't see it. They've proven this to me, time after time.
I'll be damned if they make me stop trying to express myself here. To feel when it is hard to feel. To express myself when it is hard to express myself.
to make my feel like I am a stranger and not true to myself on my own platform.
I thought about closing this site down for a nano-second after my words have been regurgitated to my pseudo-self, but then, it would be like taking my baby away from me again. not quite the same kind of pain of course, but a figurative baby and pain nonetheless.
This would be the biggest injustice of all to me. I mean, I already feel quite censored in expressing myself. Hell, to take this space away from me would subsequently take my ultimate voice away. From myself.
Ultimately, I think it would be much easier for me to be deaf, dumb and mute. So you know, everyone else would feel good about themselves.
I've tried to disappear but that is not good enough.
but if you want, you can act like I don't exist.
I'm totally cool with it.