We managed to get through the funeral with only 1/4 of the Xanax needed to be coherent. (I'm quite proud of myself if I do say so myself.) I don't know what the other half was doing but they seemed to be in their own world to manage. I would expect nothing less. Truly. The whole scene is even more sad, daunting and well, more in the dark than it was two weeks ago.
Since we last left off, I have received subsequent dialing for dollar calls of support, an all-knowing grief connection, turning into the expert of anything and everything - landing on I'm more grieved than the anyone in the free world and you are just here, to listen to me spout. Because this is my job in life. To make everyone feel better. I'm not quite sure when I turned into Julie, The Cruise Director, of grief and dysfunction but, somehow, I was awarded and missed the big fanfare of a meeting. A post I would have surely turned down if I were given a voice or choice.
Even more special: unexpected geysers of emotion are quite rampant in my world.
I don't do spouting well. Misplaced anger, guilt and craziness should really go to someone else. Some more equipped to deal with the dysfunction. One who might actually accept it.
We've buried a kid, had a birthday, two tooth fairy visits and a wedding anniversary come to a dust devil like existence around here.
All have been met with such fanfare and glitter it would make your head spin except for the latter.
After very detailed conversations of anxiety, grief and feeling so unappreciated and unacknowledged, I have done met my match in the emotionally unavailability department. I always knew it but the realization is more than I really can accept at the moment....
I feel quite bereft and well, so fucking done with partnerships. OF ANY KIND!!! Because truthfully? I don't have one. Haven't had one in many years. and it is quite sad.
All I want is to be acknowledged. To not be dismissed. To feel valid when I don't feel so. at. all.
And to sound trite? Cherished. and loved.
Please tell me one good thing that happened in your relationships this week. Anything and everything. Give me some motherfucking hope that after all is said and done: A man will care about what the fuck happens to me. to you. to someone other than himself. Because I won't believe it if you don't tell me.