Gorillabuns

total destruction

I have been writing (for days, yet not posted because I can't seem to complete a thought as of late) about my obsessions and my purely selfish wants, needs and desires. Everything from Botox, expensive rememedies for the wrinkles to truly stupid stuff that in the scheme of things - Do not really matter.

Today, I volunteered at the girls' school all day. Everything from a teacher assessment for my oldest, to a Staff Appreciation luncheon, to cutting shit for the library.  Around 2:15 I started receiving texting notifications of Tornado alerts for Oklahoma County. Since I am from a mother who is hyper-weather aware, I checked my little chickadees out of school to hunker down and let them play Monster High on the computer. Because I'd rather blow away with them than without them.

Then the truly horrific happened.

I lived throught the May 3, 1999 tornado as it was way south of us. I texted friends, listened to their hysterical cries of not knowing where their family members happened to be. The devastation was truly horrific. The worst tornado in recorded history at that time. Around 44 people perished that day.

Today was even far worse.

No one thought we could top it. The storm Gods thought otherwise.

Babies are dead. How can we be cavalier and heartless? There are a few Twitter assholes who are callous and truly shitty.

If you have funds to donate for water, supplies and shelter, please do so. The horror is something you can not imagine.

I know when people post something for their friends, sister, uncle and child, I give my last dime. Because I want to believe in Karma and well the positivity of the world and helping. Humanity helping humans. A common love and connection.

Here are a few sites if you feel the need to help:

The Oklahoma Red Cross is asking people to donate by texting Red Cross to 90999 which will be a $10 donation. What I understand, the donation will be added to your cell phone bill.

The Salvation Army: www.donate.salvationarmyusa.org/uss/eds/aok.

You can text FOOD to 32333 (the OK Food Bank) to give $10 to help with relief efforts via News 9.

These are just a few of the outlets that directly aid relief workers and families.

As of 12:15am? 91 are confirmed dead. They death toll is expected to rise to at least another 40+.

I am thankful to hug my girls tight tonight while serving crappy frozen pizza because I was crying too hard for the parents who have far more horrific things to worry about other than freezer-burnt pizza.

I am thankful my friend, who lives in the path of destruction was reunited with her son, who's school was hit by the tornado.

I am thankful for social media for spreading the word for the lost, the hopeful and the connections of all far and wide.

Father, forgive me: *Even if I shared my friend's video on Facebook and Twitter of the actual tornado and now it is viral and CNN and NBC want to talk to them about it. Shhh.... I had nothing to do with it and feel quite guilty and remorseful. Sorta. I didn't do it. I am so glad they are alive and well to worry about the knocks on their door.*

 

 

 

unlucky numbers

We managed to get through the funeral with only 1/4 of the Xanax needed to be coherent. (I'm quite proud of myself if I do say so myself.) I don't know what the other half was doing but they seemed to be in their own world to manage. I would expect nothing less. Truly.  The whole scene is even more sad, daunting and well, more in the dark than it was two weeks ago.

Since we last left off, I have received subsequent dialing for dollar calls of support, an all-knowing grief connection, turning into the expert of anything and everything - landing on I'm more grieved than the anyone in the free world and you are just here, to listen to me spout. Because this is my job in life. To make everyone feel better. I'm not quite sure when I turned into Julie, The Cruise Director, of grief and dysfunction but, somehow, I was awarded and missed the big fanfare of a meeting. A post I would have surely turned down if I were given a voice or choice.

Even more special: unexpected geysers of emotion are quite rampant in my world.

I don't do spouting well. Misplaced anger, guilt and craziness should really go to someone else. Some more equipped to deal with the dysfunction. One who might actually accept it.

We've buried a kid, had a birthday, two tooth fairy visits and a wedding anniversary come to a dust devil like existence around here.

All have been met with such fanfare and glitter it would make your head spin except for the latter.

After very detailed conversations of anxiety, grief and feeling so unappreciated and unacknowledged, I have done met my match in the emotionally unavailability department. I always knew it but the realization is more than I really can accept at the moment....

I feel quite bereft and well, so fucking done with partnerships. OF ANY KIND!!! Because truthfully? I don't have one. Haven't had one in many years. and it is quite sad.

All I want is to be acknowledged. To not be dismissed. To feel valid when I don't feel so. at. all.

And to sound trite? Cherished. and loved.

Please tell me one good thing that happened in your relationships this week. Anything and everything. Give me some motherfucking hope that after all is said and done: A man will care about what the fuck happens to me. to you. to someone other than himself. Because I won't believe it if you don't tell me.

 

 

 

say something

I know I should say something about anything but I don't feel like it right now. I'm funkafied. Have been for sometime. I think my state of mind might be permanent. I'm cool with it.

Thank you all for you kind words of love and caring. These words aren't taken trivially or without care. These words and thoughts really mean something to me. Thalon is not forgotten, I'm not forgotten - the girls are not forgotten.  And yes, I do believe I deserve that golden star next to my name when my time comes.  I put myself to the back burner for my girls. I hope they never suffer as a mother. Kinda like if you know someone who has cancer or their child dies? The laws of probablity goes way down due to association. Maybe it's just me and how my warped mind thinks but I do like to think I took the brunt of all that is shitty so others don't feel the same shitty McShitterson.

I know. I am one eloquent fool.

As we prepare for round two of getting through the day, I'll be the chick/proctor sitting in the corner of your child's homeroom while they take their state testing. I may or may not be playing Candy Crush Saga while also reading a trashy novels. I do love me some smut. Escapism at it's finest. I promise to not share my literary selection with your child.

I do have to say, three hours of pure uninterrupted silence is great, except when my stomach has a gas bubble from the late night binging I am apt to consume.  Nothing says "awesomesauce" when a gaggle of 5th graders turn and stare at you as you try to cough off the innard gas bubbles shooting forth your bowels. 

Yea, I am glad Celia was not present for me to mortify her with her peers.

Alas, don't get me started on this STATE testing. It's for the birds. The school, the teachers and the kids are so bundled up with anxiety to pass these said tests, that they have forgotten what the real reason for school is..... to learn, explore and enjoy.

I am sad kids can't be kids and learn with enthusiasm and wonder while being allowed to fail because this should be the "wonder years" of their learning. Instead, they are drilled to an inch of their life for the past month with 6 pages of "review" homework a night for the past month. Because higher up douches say so.

No wonder the Chinese are totally overtaking our shit. Because we are failing our youth and their intelligence.

**and scene of my rant**

I probably don't know know what I'm talking about.....

April

Well, we made it through another Good Friday and Easter.

Only one breakdown along the way. Okay, maybe two.

Kind words, thoughts and "hope you just make it through this time...." have been sent our way.

Eggs were dyed and hunted.

The ability to maintain my shit in front of my kids during this time should garner me a Best Supporting Actress nod.

Only when they go to sleep or when driving by myself in the car do I fall apart. Wailing over memories that suddenly pop into my head about blue babies and blue clothing.

Smells assault my senses and my memory. Making me feel like I'm going in insane. I felt like I smelled like Dreft and Mustella lotion all day. None of these items do I have in my possession. I threw these fragrances away almost four years ago.

Sulphur from boiled eggs burn my tongue and singe my olfactory hairs. Reminding me of one the happiest and most joyious time of my life immediately turning to complete shit. 

Lilies remind me of staring at my son's urn on the altar for an hour while inhaling the sweet perfume of their siren song.

Easter baskets remind of me of rushing to shove a few mangled wooden pieces in the hands of friends who were taking care of our girls that eve while I stood vigil with my son. The breakdown of holding a tiny basket for my son who would never partake in his bunny and book remained until his funeral.

Easter afternoon reminds me of cleansing my dead son's body and getting him ready for the Medical Examiner's office to pick him up. To hack, saw and desecrate his beautiful body.

I'm still at a loss of what day to pin my dread on. Good Friday? Easter? April 10th? April 12? All are constant shitty reminders.

I try not to say anything to people close to me about my feelings of anxiety and sadness of him. Mainly because I'm afraid they are going to say, "when are you going to get over this?"

The answer is never. I don't plan on getting over him - ever.

Please read the following piece from a friend about death, dying and April. If you have any spare change, consider donating to these worthy causes. I donate in Maddie's name every year. Hoping she is leading Thalon around by the hand in heaven while they look down at all of us fools.

The Grayest Month

 

absent

Sometimes I pull out this box and imagine him here.