February Day 27: Something I Ate
Eating this shit shouldn't make me wonder why I'm the Pillsbury Dough girl.
Day 28: money
I kinda liked this one. Too bad I don't have the greatest lens.
Day 29: something you're listening to
I know Gotye is all over the internet and so is his wonderful video but now this video has a different meaning to me than a lover who fucked you up but good.
Now these words remind me of a "friend" who "cut me off. Make like it never happened and that we were nothing."
A beautiful birthday present tied up with a big black bow of disgust was delivered to me via another person. On my birthday. Reasons why I am the problem in a relationship that was always so one-sided came to light. I've written about this person before and how it's been difficult to deal with her issues as well as my own. This person who has betrayed me in every way possible with regards to the memory of my son with whom I also spent so much time with during my grieving process because she was needy. Because she was there when he was brought into the hospital. She was the person who at his funeral made sure everyone knew she was the one who worked on him. Not sure how someone could make my son's death all about them but she did and I let her. So when I hear that I have "milked Thalon's death for attention," "a wanna-be Edmondnite," "have bratty children," and many more shitty things, I finally realized I was totally hosed. Used. Discarded. Devalued. Debased. Morally attacked.
Yet, I haven't been the one who has ignored my children. I haven't gotten so high and drunk every day and pass out for my children to walk around and wonder when I'll be awake again. I haven't "faked" a suicide attempt while others took care of my children and husband. for months. Yet I'm the problem.
Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
But had me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
I know the things she said about me aren't true but they still hurt. Not like, "Man, you hurt my feelers...." kind of hurt but "Man, you really don't know me after all this time and man, I kind of just really fucking hate you" kind of hurt.
The milking my son's death is what made me double over with such pain. How can someone be so cruel? How can someone who has been around me say such a thing. Honestly, I would have preferred a jab to the gut than those hateful words.
I sit and wonder have I made myself this target for spite (yes) because I've written out my feelings during this time for all to see? Does this make me an "attention seeking whore?" Does blogging make that out of all us? Or are we all sharing experiences, humor, life with others? Hoping someone will connect with you and say, " I totally get it. I get you." You are not alone.
