Gorillabuns

say something

I know I should say something about anything but I don't feel like it right now. I'm funkafied. Have been for sometime. I think my state of mind might be permanent. I'm cool with it.

Thank you all for you kind words of love and caring. These words aren't taken trivially or without care. These words and thoughts really mean something to me. Thalon is not forgotten, I'm not forgotten - the girls are not forgotten.  And yes, I do believe I deserve that golden star next to my name when my time comes.  I put myself to the back burner for my girls. I hope they never suffer as a mother. Kinda like if you know someone who has cancer or their child dies? The laws of probablity goes way down due to association. Maybe it's just me and how my warped mind thinks but I do like to think I took the brunt of all that is shitty so others don't feel the same shitty McShitterson.

I know. I am one eloquent fool.

As we prepare for round two of getting through the day, I'll be the chick/proctor sitting in the corner of your child's homeroom while they take their state testing. I may or may not be playing Candy Crush Saga while also reading a trashy novels. I do love me some smut. Escapism at it's finest. I promise to not share my literary selection with your child.

I do have to say, three hours of pure uninterrupted silence is great, except when my stomach has a gas bubble from the late night binging I am apt to consume.  Nothing says "awesomesauce" when a gaggle of 5th graders turn and stare at you as you try to cough off the innard gas bubbles shooting forth your bowels. 

Yea, I am glad Celia was not present for me to mortify her with her peers.

Alas, don't get me started on this STATE testing. It's for the birds. The school, the teachers and the kids are so bundled up with anxiety to pass these said tests, that they have forgotten what the real reason for school is..... to learn, explore and enjoy.

I am sad kids can't be kids and learn with enthusiasm and wonder while being allowed to fail because this should be the "wonder years" of their learning. Instead, they are drilled to an inch of their life for the past month with 6 pages of "review" homework a night for the past month. Because higher up douches say so.

No wonder the Chinese are totally overtaking our shit. Because we are failing our youth and their intelligence.

**and scene of my rant**

I probably don't know know what I'm talking about.....

April

Well, we made it through another Good Friday and Easter.

Only one breakdown along the way. Okay, maybe two.

Kind words, thoughts and "hope you just make it through this time...." have been sent our way.

Eggs were dyed and hunted.

The ability to maintain my shit in front of my kids during this time should garner me a Best Supporting Actress nod.

Only when they go to sleep or when driving by myself in the car do I fall apart. Wailing over memories that suddenly pop into my head about blue babies and blue clothing.

Smells assault my senses and my memory. Making me feel like I'm going in insane. I felt like I smelled like Dreft and Mustella lotion all day. None of these items do I have in my possession. I threw these fragrances away almost four years ago.

Sulphur from boiled eggs burn my tongue and singe my olfactory hairs. Reminding me of one the happiest and most joyious time of my life immediately turning to complete shit. 

Lilies remind me of staring at my son's urn on the altar for an hour while inhaling the sweet perfume of their siren song.

Easter baskets remind of me of rushing to shove a few mangled wooden pieces in the hands of friends who were taking care of our girls that eve while I stood vigil with my son. The breakdown of holding a tiny basket for my son who would never partake in his bunny and book remained until his funeral.

Easter afternoon reminds me of cleansing my dead son's body and getting him ready for the Medical Examiner's office to pick him up. To hack, saw and desecrate his beautiful body.

I'm still at a loss of what day to pin my dread on. Good Friday? Easter? April 10th? April 12? All are constant shitty reminders.

I try not to say anything to people close to me about my feelings of anxiety and sadness of him. Mainly because I'm afraid they are going to say, "when are you going to get over this?"

The answer is never. I don't plan on getting over him - ever.

Please read the following piece from a friend about death, dying and April. If you have any spare change, consider donating to these worthy causes. I donate in Maddie's name every year. Hoping she is leading Thalon around by the hand in heaven while they look down at all of us fools.

The Grayest Month

 

emotional warfare

Every other day, Moira, receives a letter like the above one from a friend at school.  She now is receiving such letters from two other girls in her classroom since Christine started her daily pennings to paper.

It has been brought to my attention, Moira, has too many girls who want to play with her.  First world problems if you ask me.

On the flip side, Celia, can't seem to find the any good girls to play with her.  She has taken to staying inside for recess to do AR reading tests so she doesn't have to struggle to find someone to play with for twenty minutes.

I'm not sure what else I can do to help.  I've talked to the teacher and she really doesn't suggest any of the girls in the class but maybe one. The rest she says are too drama-filled for Celia.  Celia doesn't act unhappy when she comes home from school like last year.  She only dreads things like tests not people like before.  I know she would like to have a best friend like her sister seems to have in spades.  I've offered for her to invite one of the girls from class to come over and have a sleep over to maybe help spark something.  Celia has finally agreed to ask the little girl - though in a moment of totally heartbreak, she asked "what if she doesn't want to come over and play with me? What if she says no?"  Rejection from the last few years at the other school was so intense. She still feels like the little girl no one wants to play with. Though to be fair, when I see her with others at school, they aren't excluding her. 

Man, it is so hard letting go of your children to fend for themselves in life .It is hard being the mom and trying to not control every second. Making sure everything is perfect for the kids without being the hover-mom.

Rich asked me the other day what we were going to do when Moira fails at doing her cartwheel in front of everyone during her 2nd grade P.E. program (she just can't seem to pick it up and I really can't say much about it since I've never been able to do a good cartwheel myself.) My response to him was, let her fail.

He about choked. "What?" 

"Let her fail. Everything comes easy to her. Friends, school, activities all are effortless for her.  If she can't do the stupid cartwheel, she can't do it. Life will go on and hopefully she'll learn something from the situation. Learn something about herself. No one is going to die or fail because she can't do a cartwheel. She'll still be loved and we will still say good effort."

I'm slowly but surely learning to stand back with my girls. I want them to be independent of me one day. I want them to learn to trust their instincts and stand firm on their choices.  I personally don't want to be questioning them if they remember their shit or if they have it together when they are my age. I'm raising them to be better than me. To believe in themselves. 

 

In other news, pray no one dies or gets killed skiing this weekend. I'm about to vomit due to all of the anxiety from the possibilities from this trip. This coming weekend doesn't seem like a relaxing vacation to me.

yo

Well, hey.

More and more, I keep forgetting about this space. Before long the 10 people who read this will too.  I guess this is what happens to all of us when we age. We forget stuff. Especially unimportant stuff.

My birthday was nice. I think my husband read my post so he knew he needed to step to the plate and give me an actual card for the day.  I spent the day with my mother. We had lunch, did my annual bra shopping and picked up the kids and did homework. My husband gave me a knife sharpener as a gift. Nothing says romance like a knife sharpener. If he really thought about this gift in a clear light he would realize that after sharpening my kitchen knives to a fine point precision, I might actually stab him 427 times for being so romantic with this gift.  In the end he did have my wedding ring fixed by adding a chunk of metal to it so I can wear it again.  It seems almost 13 years later, I've started to grow a nice pair of man hands. My wedding set didn't fit any longer. For this, I put the knives away. 

Moira gave me a very sweet portrait for my birthday. The only time I've worn a dress since my wedding day.

I've had another kid down with the sickness. or is it the same kid? different week? I'm losing count.

Don't you love how I'll let the girls wear just about anything in public? Stripes? Pants with skirts over them? Peeshaw! We are total fashion mavens around these parts.

I'm still obsessed with Candy Crush Saga and can't figure out how everyone is moving past me in Speed Racer form. Like my husband is about to kick my ass in his movement. THIS I can't handle.

I'm so glad the Bachelor is almost over because I simply can't handle this show any longer. I can't stand this dipwad and the choices he's made. Hurry up and pick the chick you are going to dump 12-weeks later because you have completed your contractual obligations.  Have you noticed the complete narcissic giddiness he displays when he takes his shirt off? I don't think there has been one episode in which his shirt has stayed on for the entire show.  I mean, dude, I manage to keep my shirt on during my hometown visits.

A new show I'm OBSESSED with is LA Shrinks on Bravo. I love it! Mainly because the show validates every reason why I didn't persue my Doctorate in Counseling. In a word (okay, phrase) - people are crazy. I do have to say, I can totally relate to the woman who screams and yells "Fuck you, you Motherfucker!" in her car.  She seems to have a few anger issues. Sister, don't we all. We're just living the dream. Livin' the dream.

Right now, I'm finishing up a wedding and planning on an upcoming ski trip in which I don't have a stitch of ski clothing for my family. We leave in less than two weeks.  Have a I mentioned that we've never been skiing? Well, Rich has but the girls and I haven't. No worries here on the injury portion of skiing for me. I'll be tucked safe and warm in the local bar. Drinking away any anxiety of someone running into a tree and killing themselves.  I better up everyone's life insurance. and take a shit-ton of Xanax with me.

 

nap

I wish I had something entertaining to say. Something thought provoking or even slightly titillating.

I've got nada.

I burned my face with 5-year-old expired zit cream the other day. Like my whole face. This is all the excitment I've got going on in my life. Barrels of total excitement. I'm making up shit to do to entertain myself.

I'm not running a marathon. I'm not making a baby. I'm not purchasing fabulous shit. It seems everyone I know are doing these fabulous things.

Me? I have nothing to brag about and I have nothing to share about my fabulous self.

Well, I AM up to level 60 on Candy Crush Saga. I HAVE finished two events in Calligraphy and I PURGED my closet of all of my work suits. I now house 324 t-shirts. Most of them are white.

Face it. You are so jealous of me.

I think, no, I KNOW I am depressed. I don't want to go back on my medication because it only makes me fatter. I lost 22lbs since getting off the mood pills. Though, you can't tell I've lost one pound.

I need an adventure. I need some excitement. Let me rephrase that last statement, I need some positive excitement. 

I think "I am looking for a dare to be great situation."

I would like to do something off the wall and unexpected but "Somewhere around 25, bizarre become immature."

Come to think of it, I'm too lazy to do anything more than take a nap. Except my kids are home from school because of an ice/snow day.  I don't want them to think I'm as lazy as I really am. 

Maybe I can talk them into taking a nap with me. If they do it with me, they can't judge me, right?