Gorillabuns

duty, you said doody.

In the past week, I have gone and had my hair cut and colored again....

I call this color "Ch-ch-ch-ch cherry bomb!"  This picture doesn't look quite as chroma as it does in real life and well, I'm not sure I can handle "Devil Red...."  Yep, I think she said that was the color on the tube. That'll teach me to go to a new salon where all of the roller derby chicks go to be coiffed.

Because I am so alternative and crazy...

I attended a funeral for a friend's mother (shit, this was sadder than words),eaten way too much pizza, hung out with friends

while we let our kids hang their freak flags out in full mast.....

Man, Moira looks like me when I was her age. I would share a pic from the day but sadly, my closet if full-to-the-brim of Christmas gifts and I can't upset the balancing act I have going on in there to humor you. Just know, I am correct in this assumption.

I also had jury duty yesterday. Yippee!!!!

Nothing says love for your common man than wedging your ass between mute men and their iPads. Can I state the obvious of communing with 401 people while shoved in a stale old holding cell?  People smell funky.  Like REALLY FUNKY!!! and leather jackets hold the scent of every sin you can think of....

I did see three people I sorta knew and was pursued by a person named Pat. I shit you not, her name was Pat and she looked like Pat. I know this because they called her name out as Patricia. Now, I have many gay and lesbian friends with whom I have the up most love and respect for...(so don't get your panties in a wad - an occurrence that happens to me about 50 times a day, literally) but if any one of them acted like this chick to another being, I would have to give them a firm talking to on the finer points of picking up a date. 

I would for one would tell them to act coy. Not full-ass stare at their subject for like EIGHT UNCOMFORTABLE HOURS!!! I would also say, give this subject some room. Don't haunch yourself on them, their sweater and their bad, trashy book.  Nothing makes most subjects crabby than having someone in their personal space.  Next up: don't stalk them at lunch where you follow them EVERYWHERE! including the bathroom, coffee shop, the frigid outdoors. If you are that enamored by their beauty, try to smile and strike up a simple conversation. I mean, I CAN be nice and I was nice because I DO feel everyone should be given a chance but DUDE!!! Her wide-eyed stare freaked me the fuck out. After I was released from having to send someone to the electric chair (though, isn't the chair abolished?), I high-tailed myself to my car where I made sure to look both ways and behind me to make sure I didn't have a follower. Because that is all I need....

Next up? Moira's eighth birthday. Sunday.

and then what would be Thalon's 4th and then onto the end of the world, no? Wouldn't it be righteous if it was?

I could totally handle it. with open arms.....

but I would be so pissed that I had all that Monster High shit in my closet and my girls didn't know that Santa really payed attention this year.

Side note: I would have acted the same way if 'Pat' were a man. It just so happened she wasn't though I would have felt the same way if she were a he. So, please don't think I'm being a bigoted asshole. Because I really am not. For reals. 

P.S.S. Side note: I feel it is quite sad that I can't write what I feel any longer for the fear of offending someone.  If you really knew me in "real time," you would know, I am a far more compassionate and caring individual than it seems and would never purposely hurt someone. Even though I do love the word "fuck." You can use the word is so many creative and awesome ways. Though I do not. Because I lack creativity these days.

P.S.S.S. Sid enote: When did I let anonymous people take away my freedom and voice? Back when my son died? When people judged me for not knowing me?

P.S.S.S.S. Side note: If you ARE anonymous, you do know I know your IP address and where you work, right? Just because your Gmail is bogus doesn't mean shit.  I have skills people! Mad skillz!

P.S.S.S.S.S. Side note: I don't know... I am on a roll and thought I needed to add this last PPPSSS'd to make sure y'all knew I am totally... I don't know... remorseful? For talking about people?   Shit, I am not sure why I care anymore. I hate being thought as a douche-bag. I totally need to go to counseling for this feeling. Yeah, right.

violation

I went to vote today because I was too pregnant last time. and because I really hate people....

"An hour of listening to a guy bitch about the line and some dude becoming one with my ass, I voted."

Peeps, I was totally violated with "the personal space issues" by a very short Asian. I'm not racially profiling but DUDE WTF! My ass is very large and IN CHARGE! How can you NOT miss it when bumping and grinding into it 7 times?

To be VERY politically correct,  I was VERY calm and in charge. I DID not call him out. Since I am old, I let him grab a feel because if anything, I'm giving....and well, it's been a long time.... and I Tweeted/Facebooked his ass across the world.

"I really don't know why I thought I could watch the elections sober."

Because I don't care what spectrum of the political side you run... How was I to think I could ACTUALLY watch this...sober? My diet is suffering... long time. It WILL get over itself.... Because dude, you have to admit this race was too close and I really don't understand why we don't divi up the electorial votes? I mean, if you play football, you don't win on 'projected' downs, right?

Okay, because I'm a girl, I really don't know what I am talking about, right????

Believe me. I didn't care for either candidate. I couldn't support wholeheartedly for either one. I made choices on the man vs the party. Believe it or not.... I am pretty open-minded.

"My wish 4 years from now: a peri-menopausal/menopausal woman to win President. That "Bitch" would truly get some shit done. {and scene}"

Because SERIOUSLY! Women have been known to placate, wipe people's asses while cooking your mother-fucking meal to perfection.... and be very black and white about issues. Dude, I have a list of our finances down to the umteenth degree.... I would/I mean, A WOMAN should be in charge because we don't take responsibility as a whole lightly and we can SO tell if you are fucking cheating on us~ 

So, who is with me for WOMEN to finally change this world and hold MEN accountable for their actions?  Tell them they are wrong for cheating and being part of the good 'old boy system?

With me? You don't have to be.... Just say, none of this shit is working...... Regardless of your political affiliation....

 

script

I've been lax lately. (what's new here, buns?) With everything except for Calligraphy. I've written people's addresses, names, sir names and extended families drunken mistakes until my right hand is burning.

Burning with contempt.

To say I have a love/hate relationship with Calligraphy would be an understatement as of late.

I enjoy writing when I'm not asked to perform like a circus monkey in an absolutely ludicrous timeline. For fun? Sure? I'm your gal but when asked to write 175 wedding invitations in like 5 days because you are a procastinator? I say no go! Because I'm a total procastinator myself. Man, I'll even clean the kitchen sink, watch the next explosive RHOFNJ, try to match forlong socks held in captivity by the evil sock monsters and file my taxes as to NOT have to do what you don't want to do yourself.

In total scrawl geekdom, I did happen to finally find a pen that makes me freakishly giddy to use.

The pen I started using when I was 10. Who knew I have a vise other than vodka? It would be every pen, nib, ink and paper known to man. I should document my obession someday for to you say, "We really need to have an pithy intervention."

Along with my make-up collection because that shit is out of control as well. I totally rock the eyeliner section of Sephora. They should use my stash as a what-not-do/what-to-do when you go in to the store for mascara and come out with 4 eyeliners/$100+ later. I then go without make-up because dude, I'm too lazy to use that fabulous liquid eyeliner pen to replicate some teen Taylor Swift style. Because I'm not 20..... Lord, I'm not 20 any longer???? WHY?????

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In other news, my bangs are still out of control.

I need a bang intervention as well.

Sadly, I think my hair looks like it did in '77 when my dad cut my hairs. He was licensed to hack my hair everytime he had visitation to the chagrin of my mother and me.

Those damn front teeth didn't come in for something like 4 years. I swear. I told everyone who looked at me so. Every.person.I.met.

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I have nothing to tell/share/over exploit. I'm boring. I'm thinking I need to renovate my space. Renovate myself. Write everyday as if no one is reading (though, most aren't) and become the person I used to be here. Genuine. Real. Stupid.

Even if I write about high school, the bad hair and make-up I subjected everyone to. Or maybe I should go back to school so I can relearn how to not end a sentence with a preposition. Though I should probably wait until that lesson is taught to my 4th grader as to know that I'm for sure not doing it wrong.

 

fan me

Oklahomans ONLY thought 50+ days of over 100 temps last year nearly killed our stupid asses. Guess what? We are now hitting ""Dust Bowl" temps. I'm pretty sure Oklahoma is close to burning up and is becoming

 

Africa HOT! in the next few weeks.

Nary a sign of life to be had.

Dude, I took two diuretics and two Beta-blockers today just so I could pee. Not a drip. Of any kind. That is how 'Mohave' my ass happens to be these days and believe me I'm drinking unrecognizable amounts of water my vodka-laden body knows not of....

Because, OHMYGODWEAREHOTTERTHANDEATHVALLEYANDDOESANYTHINGREALLYSURVIVEINDEATHVALLEYBUT CACTIANDSPIDERS?

So.... because I REALLY HATE TO START A SENTENCE WITH "SO!" really... we are planning a getaway before the girls start A NEW school in less than two weeks. You know we don't like to plan or like to "gasp" enroll anyone into school until next week.... because THIS would be like.the.deadline.  Man, I don't really like deadlines.... Though, I have been assured this eight-day-last-minute-enrollment, won't affect the outcome. I only pray! Because I really don't want to have to home school because of MY bad choices and procrastination and they end up in a prison-like situation. with pillow cases of soap to defend themselves.... Man, I can so digress..... and what was the subject at hand?

Oh yea! As you can guess by now, we've spun the dial towards the OTHER direction from our vaca from last year. Now? We are planning to go to Chicago!  Seven days in the making, bitches! Because of the American Girl MECCA status and my half-sister seems to be closer to this destination than say, Florida. or Africa. We were supposed to try to meet up here this summer.

Though, I found out this week, my newly, half-sister encarnate, is having surgery. And yes, we've toured the Dallas American Girl store waayy too many times, yet, we've still decided to still go to Chicago because I think it is STILL about 40 degrees cooler than here. Our first stop, next Wednesday in St. LOUIS BABY!!! 

I've celebrated one of the best St. Patrick's Day in St. Louis while basically missing the wedding I was supposed to be attending because of their festivals. Mainly, a free-for-all, shot-fest of St. Patrick's proportions....and let me tell you, I had the best make-out session with a stranger, just outside the ARCH while finding the most perfect snow dome to complete my collection. SHHHH!!! I'm not sharing this info with Rich.... Because we were on a break..... Rich and I, that is.... and my snow dome collection IS pretty rad.

So... What should we see in St. Louis next week.... and then onto CHICAGO! minus that damn AG store.....?

Please share and help because if you do not know anything about me by now..... I will not plan, prod or reserve shit until we are "IN THE MOMENT" of finding a hotel, bar, hostel or box by the side of the Michigan/Calumet/Mississippi River until we have a place to sleep... Hopefully in a bed. 

I really do not like to camp. I REALLY like toilet paper too.....

 

dog days of summer

I can't believe summer is almost over. Well, we have about three weeks left and I'm so sad. I absolutely LOVE having my girls around. I know I'm not the norm here... Even if Monster High is so fucking rampant in this abode and I want to barf!  I think I could manage a few more months of Monster play.

We sent "the note" via email to their school (because I am a total chicken shit vs face-to-face....) saying they won't be returning and we will be enrolling them in our local public school. (With all of the volunteering and subbing, I/we were treated as I thought we would be. Nary a forethought. and you are???...???....)  I think I am more scared of this change than they are. Part of me wants to home school them to have more control but then again, I'm not sure I would do the best job in their edumacation if they hung around here day in and day out. I can see us having our laundry and ironing caught up, the best fattening recipes replicated from tutorials by Giadia and Ina, samplings from EVERY restaurant in Oklahoma during our lunch hours, as well as being the number one 'hit' on You Tube for Monster High how-to videos. Because it does seem to be a fucking free-for-all-around here with imagination.

I'm wondering if it is possible to let your children to have "too much imaginative" time to themselves.

When I hit fourth grade, I knew there was no Santa. I knew about sex because of bathroom conversations and a quite candid conversation with my mother about the "Joy of Sex." I knew if I spoke about my obsession with my Barbies? I would be totally on the outs with my fellow class men.

My fourth grader? Is really clueless about this reality.  She actually came into my bathroom with massive joy and crazy energy telling me that her FROGGY! was laughing and mocking her. The stuffed animal she has had since she was three-months-old. is.laughing.at.her.and.mocking.her.

I must say I wasn't too receptive at first as I was hiding my junk on the toilet for a moment of peace with my US Magazine. Then I started dissecting her words and started to really worry. You see, there is a massive instability and mental health clause haunting us in our family lineage. Mainly mine. I started wondering, does she really think this inanimate object is really laughing at her because she was mad at him? or is she projecting? or well, maybe, she's being imaginative?

I asked her if she REALLY thought this thing was laughing at her and she answered stoically, "yes, he was." and then she ran away from the conversation. SHIT! How the fuck do you respond? 

My worst fear is she's slowly going  fucking crazy and my family history is really starting to rear it's ugly glimpsing head in my/her  mirror. Then?  Part of me thinks, man, you should really be forcing more multiplication tables on her ass. 

I have to say, we have totally embraced the whole be a kid and discover your inner-child thingy-majig this summer. I mean, what dad would go to such extremes as to Photo-Shop this scenario for his girls? I poo-poo it while asking them to clean up after themselves because I don't have the time to be creative any longer.  Though to be honest, I was the kid who made Barbie rooms out of beading from Indian beading kits and homemade furniture out of any piece of cardboard I could find because we were poor and because I was an only child.  I would spend hours creating intricate furniture and album collections from junk mail and well, I turned out okay. Well. Sort of. Okay, so I don't have a DSM IV indication behind my name. Just yet.

My biggest fear is other than having a child die (check!), one of my children will turn out crazy like my family. I LOVE fostering creativity because in a world of video games and mechanical break-downs, our children aren't capable of solving problems through their most beautiful resource, their brains. 

I'm just wondering if we have gone too far to the other side. Both Rich and I are creative. We can bedazzle the shit out of a bird feeder or create the best virtual playhouse with the best of them. Do we deliver? Not really because quite honestly, we are very lazy people.  I think our problem happens to be, life has gotten in our way of fulfilling our dreams. Maybe we are leaning too far to the side that it might/is disabling our kids because of our short-comings.

Maybe, I have to bring my anxiety full-circle and realize while their personalities have been formed by the age of five, they were not full of schedules and inconsequential shit.  Their formative creative selves have an even shorter shelf life. I want them to remember that they had a full and robust childhood given their "formative" childhood was riddled with tragedy.

I want them to remember, man, " Can you believe I had such a crazy obsession with Monster High? Do you think my kids would get a kick out of these freaky-ass dolls?"or maybe, I should worry that we are all going crazy and I should be doing some pre-planning for our house in the hills where we can all dream, explore and fly our freak flags for all not to see.