Gorillabuns

yo

Well, hey.

More and more, I keep forgetting about this space. Before long the 10 people who read this will too.  I guess this is what happens to all of us when we age. We forget stuff. Especially unimportant stuff.

My birthday was nice. I think my husband read my post so he knew he needed to step to the plate and give me an actual card for the day.  I spent the day with my mother. We had lunch, did my annual bra shopping and picked up the kids and did homework. My husband gave me a knife sharpener as a gift. Nothing says romance like a knife sharpener. If he really thought about this gift in a clear light he would realize that after sharpening my kitchen knives to a fine point precision, I might actually stab him 427 times for being so romantic with this gift.  In the end he did have my wedding ring fixed by adding a chunk of metal to it so I can wear it again.  It seems almost 13 years later, I've started to grow a nice pair of man hands. My wedding set didn't fit any longer. For this, I put the knives away. 

Moira gave me a very sweet portrait for my birthday. The only time I've worn a dress since my wedding day.

I've had another kid down with the sickness. or is it the same kid? different week? I'm losing count.

Don't you love how I'll let the girls wear just about anything in public? Stripes? Pants with skirts over them? Peeshaw! We are total fashion mavens around these parts.

I'm still obsessed with Candy Crush Saga and can't figure out how everyone is moving past me in Speed Racer form. Like my husband is about to kick my ass in his movement. THIS I can't handle.

I'm so glad the Bachelor is almost over because I simply can't handle this show any longer. I can't stand this dipwad and the choices he's made. Hurry up and pick the chick you are going to dump 12-weeks later because you have completed your contractual obligations.  Have you noticed the complete narcissic giddiness he displays when he takes his shirt off? I don't think there has been one episode in which his shirt has stayed on for the entire show.  I mean, dude, I manage to keep my shirt on during my hometown visits.

A new show I'm OBSESSED with is LA Shrinks on Bravo. I love it! Mainly because the show validates every reason why I didn't persue my Doctorate in Counseling. In a word (okay, phrase) - people are crazy. I do have to say, I can totally relate to the woman who screams and yells "Fuck you, you Motherfucker!" in her car.  She seems to have a few anger issues. Sister, don't we all. We're just living the dream. Livin' the dream.

Right now, I'm finishing up a wedding and planning on an upcoming ski trip in which I don't have a stitch of ski clothing for my family. We leave in less than two weeks.  Have a I mentioned that we've never been skiing? Well, Rich has but the girls and I haven't. No worries here on the injury portion of skiing for me. I'll be tucked safe and warm in the local bar. Drinking away any anxiety of someone running into a tree and killing themselves.  I better up everyone's life insurance. and take a shit-ton of Xanax with me.

 

inappropriate behavior

I've been busy y'all. Like I don't have time to play Candy Crush Saga and Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook all day kind of busy! 

This past week I attended a Trivia event at our church/the girl's old school.  Rich had to stay home with Mordecai as she had strep for the second time in the past three months.

Last year, the drunkest table in the trivia/trivial room (our table) came in third place. This year? The drunkest table (our table) who happened to be a step closer to the bar came in FIRST!!! I think it all had to do with the locale of the bar.

After looking at this photo this is the part of the evening where I should have put my stupid ass in my car but instead, I walked right up to the girl's ex-school's principal.  Thankfully, I remembered to mind my P's and Q's. I didn't even slip in a motherfucker into the convo.

My personal goal was to have the principal look me in the eye and acknowledge we are no longer at this school and why the hell didn't you ask us why we left?  After quite a bit of hem-hawing and ludicrous excuses as to why the school's enrollment is down (WAAYY DOWN), she told us we are welcome back any time. "Please come back now, ya hear?"

I walked away even more relieved of my decision to yank our girls the hell out of there. Besides the total lack of an excellent education - the lack of any acknowledgement of the problem is still the red herring to the administration.

and we are welcome back anytime?  As if we weren't in the first place? We weren't fired for God's sake!WE left!

Anywho, our table felt quite good about winning out of the shear fact this place has totally torn us and our children down. We completed our legacy. Our kids are gone or soon-to-be and so is their entertainment and fun for next year. Serious fun. and money. More fun than money.

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This week we also found out that our Platy fish can have a shit-load of babies after leaving their supposed virginity at the door of the pet store. A baby happened to whiz around the fish tank on Saturday. After much fishing about and shaking all of the plastic leaves in the tank, the fish was gone. We guess one of the two bitches in the tank ate the tiny wee babe.

Four days later, another new baby showed up to the party late into the night. We were able to segregate the wee one while watching the piranhas try to eat their young. The should totally be reported to PETA or at the very least DHS for their shitty parenting skills.

Don't give me the evil eye, Gabby.  You are the cannibal whore, not me.

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Sunday we decided to tackle a bit of a 'hoarding' going on in our garage. You would be amazed how much crap we have (or not one bit) and still have too much crap.  After chunking five boxes of stuff to the curb, trash or the donation pile, I found an interesting engagement picture of Rich and I from long ago.

as well of a picture from High School on the left. 

The expression on my face is a true representation of WTF have I gotten myself into here.....

I still feel the same way most days.

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Have you been watching The Bachelor?  I have to admit I took a five year break because I couldn't handle all of the needy assholes on the show.  I guess I'm anemic in the asshole department as of late because I started watching the franchise again. All I have to say is.....

this delusional ass-wipe can't kiss for shit!  No wonder he's not married.  My 16-year-old boyfriend TOTALLY kissed better than this.  When your mouth collapses and the innards of your face look like a hillbilly without your wooden dentures intact while kissing, you, my dear, need some lessons in the making out department.

Don't get me started on Tierra or all of the whiny women who say they have fallen in love with Sean and "want" him within the 3.5 seconds of spending actual physical space in his altered time space continium. 

I wish I could unread who the spoilers say he has ended up with in the "most dramatic final rose ceremony to date...."

Not that I would hate this final choice but it's kind like when I read the ending of a book after reading the first three chapters.  A problem I actually have when reading. I'm too impatient and if this shit doesn't end well, why waste my time?  but yet, I'm so disappointed to know what is going to happen.

I have to say, impatience hasn't really served me well in my life.

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It seems the wedding season is upon us and oh, man! I have weddings lined up.

Both a good and bad thing.

Bad as I can't waste my time on the computer, with crap t.v., or hiding out in the bathroom reading my US magazine.  Good because I need the dough to replace our roof from last year's hail damage.  It seems we spent the 80% reinbursed insurance money on expenses in December and January because fucking banks and mortgage companies felt like holding onto their money instead of paying their creditors.

Funny to think, we are actually a creditor of sorts. I wish I could bomb these companies credit records for their shitty paying practices.

Seriously. We have cookies, Valentines and Monster High to buy for these babes.

OH!MY!GOD! She is just a baby!!!!!!

Don't even get me started on reading about a nine-year-old giving birth to a child.  My baby is nine. I can't begin to imagine.

This world is truly fucked up.

 

 

bullets

• I'm thinking of enrolling in a few classes to become a Private Investigator. Because I am nosey. They start next week. I have yet to enroll. Because I'm tired and lazy. You can see how long this fad will last.

 

• Halloween is tomorrow and the girls are super excited! I am not. I'm going to have to clean my house just in case the errant trick-or-treater/family member wants to use the bathroom. Maybe trick lightening is in order.

 

• Seven weeks until Christmas! Seven more weeks of procrastinating on purchasing more Monster High crap for the girls. Translation: This stage really must stop. The missing body parts are really creepy when found in your bed and shoes.

 

• Buddy the Elf should be returning after Thanksgiving. How overjoyed I'll be when I figure out where I actually put him for safe keeping.

 

• I think my oldest is going thru the first stages of puberty. Know how I can tell? Her feet smell like ass and her eyes are on permanent roller coaster mode. Never mind the training bra that came to play and never left a few months ago.  We are soo not ready for this - change.

 

• My diet and I aren't speaking to each other. I've lost 14lbs since school started in September. All from the back of my head. My paunch is still quite epic.

 

• My bangs and are finally agreeing to get along. Sadly/not-so-sadly, people/friends don't recognize me anymore.  This new looks might just work for me if I become a PI.  Unless I happen to follow a perceptive friend.

 

• I've become obsessed with Big Rich Texas. Mainly because I'm from Texas and well, I find it really both sad and funny. Sad a lot of alcohol has been wasted from drinks flying through the air and absorbed into crappy, shiny nylon and yet, quite happy these bitches look older than me WITH the plastic surgery.

 

• I think I am going to start writing posts in bullet form from now on. I like two to three line sentences to convey my mood. You can fill in the dots if you prefer.

 

 

 

Honey Boo Boo

I was totally going to write about "Honey Boo-boo" from TLC this evening then I totally got sucked into Song Pop on Facebook. Let's face it, I tend to get sucked into ANYTHING that doesn't have to deal with real world issues and my love of music and name that tune in two notes.... because I'm 70.

[Insert totally heinous and doesn't make sense segue here]

Procrastination? Spades, here. Hence, my filing our taxes on time. I know most of the free world filed this shit in April. Not me! I'm all "too busy" playing stupid games, volunteering while watching crap T.V. to be a responsible adult. Mainly, I don't want to know what exactly we might owe as my right and left kidney might be subject to the government's experimental use because someone works in this household. I KNOW it's not me... Because I've been told time and time again, I don't work. THIS subject will be addressed at a later date because well, I don't work. Right?

Ahem...Whatever... [gag]

Thankfully, I computated on my hands and feet "Jethro Bodine-style" for our accountant to maybe make the September 15th deadline. Let me just say, he charges us a shit-ton so I don't feel that bad for my last minute laziness.

Where was I? Oh, yea, oy! yes....Back to Honey Boo Boo. Can I say where this show started out as a train wreck for our family to make fun of... has now become a viewing of absolute pure endearment for us. I want to make fun of these people but.I.simply.can.not.

These people make 'sketti out of fucking butter and ketchup! GENIUS! Though TOTALLY not part of my diet/weight loss plan these days....while eating roadkill deer.  {enter cringe OCD thoughts here...} There is simply nothing we have in common yet, I think we ALL have a bit of "white trash" in our souls. We now try to appreciate and celebrate the oddness of this family. Holy Hanna! Yes! More please.... We can so find ourselves making make fun of the weight, obsessive couponing, the crazy stock pile of 500 rolls of toilet paper, gold fawns for presents for our anniversaries, (come on, who hasn't receive a very random and shitty gift for our anniversary) lack of eloquent dialect and so much more.... MUCH MORE!

Then again, I was raised eating fried bologna (lips and ass...) and ketchup sandwiches. I was raised without a color T.V. (beyond the norm) and well, I had one pair of shoes in my earlier years. Okay, they WERE quality, creme BASS Wejuns but nonetheless, I didn't have a shit-ton of choices at hand because we were on a budget. and they DID go with everything..... until that bitch at the bus stop asked me if these were the only shoes I own; did I question the fact that we may have been poor.

While I've never been as poor as these 'folks,' I can appreciate the family unit as a whole. Lacking in wealth, education, affluence, subtly; they seem to backhandedly enjoy one another. The thrill of homemade slip and slides and guess your family rank-ass breath contests. They have love for one another. 

A quality I feel is so lacking in a lot of us. While we are whole-heartedly great at judging one another, we are far less compassionate and accepting.  

I think we are so afraid the people we judge are too much like us or maybe, we are too afraid these people we judge might become us if we are not careful enough. 

What is worse? The thought of thinking we are better than people who don't know better? Or knowing we are better but judge because we do not know better?

Yea, that last mind twister made my head hurt.

Never mind.

conversions

My guests left yesterday and I have to say, the house is too quiet. Funny I should say this as I have loud children but I do love having visitors. Gatherings in the kitchen while toasting to anything and everything until four in the morning makes me happy. Now that we have set our butts in motion to renovate our home and get it back in order, maybe I'll start inviting people over more often. But then again, cleaning the toilet three times a  week doesn't sound very fun to me.

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Are you watching Big Brother? If not, you are missing one hell of a season. Russell, I mean Willie, went off the deep end and head-butted annoying yeller, Joe, while throwing a bag of Pork Rinds at Janelle. The symbolism of Pork Rinds and Janelle in one sentence was not lost on anyone who can't stand Janelle after she threw mopey Britney off her traveling school bus of merry fools. This show is now getting good. I do love me some drama just as long as I am not the one in the middle of it all. Next to leave? JoJo or Danielle. I don't care. All Danielle does is sit around and look at herself in the mirror while applying layer after layer of black eyeliner on her face. I guess she never learned the less is more lesson when applying make up. JoJo is alright but there is something about her that annoys me.

Can't wait for tonight's episode though I know everything that has happened thus far.

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Photo from Nigella Lawson website.

I am trying to make this Nutella cake by Nigella Lawson. Problem is? I haven't a clue what the hell 125g of dark chocolate or 100g of ground hazelnuts amount to in oz. and cups. 

With my google abilities I am guessing 125g of butter is 1/2 c + 2 tbsp. and 100g of ground hazelnuts = 2/3 cup. I figure if I put too much butter and chocolate in the cake it won't hurt, right?

Tell me, do you remember metrics being taught in school? I barely do and I'll tell you, I failed that part of my test. I can barely remember how many oz. are in a cup much less grams and kilometers. 

I'm very glad the US didn't adopt this measurement after all. I know it is because we are too darn lazy to learn it.

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Do any of you use feeders to read blogs? I used to. I used to use many feeders until I started changing computers and forgetting which password went to which account. Then I would forget to add some of my favorite reads to these feeders and then, I pretty much quit reading everyone.

Now, if I am friends with you on Facebook, I more than likely will read your blog when you link it there to your page. I have in turn tried to move to a Facebook page to let you know, HEY! I actually wrote something on this space! Check me out or don't. Whatever.

If you want to go to Gorillabuns on Facebook (or this link) and "like it," be my guest. If you think that Facebook is the Devil incarnate, then by all means forget what I just wrote. 

Now I'm off to make this cake so I can eat it all by myself while watching "The Next Food Network Star, Big Brother and Big Brother After Dark." If you don't hear back from me it is because I died from a diabetic coma.