Gorillabuns

say something

I know I should say something about anything but I don't feel like it right now. I'm funkafied. Have been for sometime. I think my state of mind might be permanent. I'm cool with it.

Thank you all for you kind words of love and caring. These words aren't taken trivially or without care. These words and thoughts really mean something to me. Thalon is not forgotten, I'm not forgotten - the girls are not forgotten.  And yes, I do believe I deserve that golden star next to my name when my time comes.  I put myself to the back burner for my girls. I hope they never suffer as a mother. Kinda like if you know someone who has cancer or their child dies? The laws of probablity goes way down due to association. Maybe it's just me and how my warped mind thinks but I do like to think I took the brunt of all that is shitty so others don't feel the same shitty McShitterson.

I know. I am one eloquent fool.

As we prepare for round two of getting through the day, I'll be the chick/proctor sitting in the corner of your child's homeroom while they take their state testing. I may or may not be playing Candy Crush Saga while also reading a trashy novels. I do love me some smut. Escapism at it's finest. I promise to not share my literary selection with your child.

I do have to say, three hours of pure uninterrupted silence is great, except when my stomach has a gas bubble from the late night binging I am apt to consume.  Nothing says "awesomesauce" when a gaggle of 5th graders turn and stare at you as you try to cough off the innard gas bubbles shooting forth your bowels. 

Yea, I am glad Celia was not present for me to mortify her with her peers.

Alas, don't get me started on this STATE testing. It's for the birds. The school, the teachers and the kids are so bundled up with anxiety to pass these said tests, that they have forgotten what the real reason for school is..... to learn, explore and enjoy.

I am sad kids can't be kids and learn with enthusiasm and wonder while being allowed to fail because this should be the "wonder years" of their learning. Instead, they are drilled to an inch of their life for the past month with 6 pages of "review" homework a night for the past month. Because higher up douches say so.

No wonder the Chinese are totally overtaking our shit. Because we are failing our youth and their intelligence.

**and scene of my rant**

I probably don't know know what I'm talking about.....

April

Well, we made it through another Good Friday and Easter.

Only one breakdown along the way. Okay, maybe two.

Kind words, thoughts and "hope you just make it through this time...." have been sent our way.

Eggs were dyed and hunted.

The ability to maintain my shit in front of my kids during this time should garner me a Best Supporting Actress nod.

Only when they go to sleep or when driving by myself in the car do I fall apart. Wailing over memories that suddenly pop into my head about blue babies and blue clothing.

Smells assault my senses and my memory. Making me feel like I'm going in insane. I felt like I smelled like Dreft and Mustella lotion all day. None of these items do I have in my possession. I threw these fragrances away almost four years ago.

Sulphur from boiled eggs burn my tongue and singe my olfactory hairs. Reminding me of one the happiest and most joyious time of my life immediately turning to complete shit. 

Lilies remind me of staring at my son's urn on the altar for an hour while inhaling the sweet perfume of their siren song.

Easter baskets remind of me of rushing to shove a few mangled wooden pieces in the hands of friends who were taking care of our girls that eve while I stood vigil with my son. The breakdown of holding a tiny basket for my son who would never partake in his bunny and book remained until his funeral.

Easter afternoon reminds me of cleansing my dead son's body and getting him ready for the Medical Examiner's office to pick him up. To hack, saw and desecrate his beautiful body.

I'm still at a loss of what day to pin my dread on. Good Friday? Easter? April 10th? April 12? All are constant shitty reminders.

I try not to say anything to people close to me about my feelings of anxiety and sadness of him. Mainly because I'm afraid they are going to say, "when are you going to get over this?"

The answer is never. I don't plan on getting over him - ever.

Please read the following piece from a friend about death, dying and April. If you have any spare change, consider donating to these worthy causes. I donate in Maddie's name every year. Hoping she is leading Thalon around by the hand in heaven while they look down at all of us fools.

The Grayest Month

 

unplugged

We returned from our trip without any injuries and mostly still married.

Unless you count this beauty.

The scenery was wistful of my memories from living in West Texas when I was young.

 
Even the bug smudge on the windshield.

We did have all kinds of attitude shoot forth it's loins on this trip.

As you can tell, Celia was less than thrilled with skiing or maybe she was less than thrilled having her father make her ski down blues after 1 1/2 hours of ski lessons.  I am with her. It blew. She needed a do-over. With a more patient co-skier.

Some fun things occurred. My first experience of snow while in the mountains.

Sangria and the doggie bags they give you for transportation.

St. Patty's Day with friends.

Maybe I shouldn't have ordered shots....

Spending quality alone time with my oldest who is growing up way too fast before my eyes.

Relishing in the joy Moira brings to any activity or adventure.

I miss the solitude, my good friend we stayed with in the condo, as well as the unplugged aspect I pretty much displayed while out in nature.

I need to unplug and rewire myself more often. I think we all do.

 

yo

Well, hey.

More and more, I keep forgetting about this space. Before long the 10 people who read this will too.  I guess this is what happens to all of us when we age. We forget stuff. Especially unimportant stuff.

My birthday was nice. I think my husband read my post so he knew he needed to step to the plate and give me an actual card for the day.  I spent the day with my mother. We had lunch, did my annual bra shopping and picked up the kids and did homework. My husband gave me a knife sharpener as a gift. Nothing says romance like a knife sharpener. If he really thought about this gift in a clear light he would realize that after sharpening my kitchen knives to a fine point precision, I might actually stab him 427 times for being so romantic with this gift.  In the end he did have my wedding ring fixed by adding a chunk of metal to it so I can wear it again.  It seems almost 13 years later, I've started to grow a nice pair of man hands. My wedding set didn't fit any longer. For this, I put the knives away. 

Moira gave me a very sweet portrait for my birthday. The only time I've worn a dress since my wedding day.

I've had another kid down with the sickness. or is it the same kid? different week? I'm losing count.

Don't you love how I'll let the girls wear just about anything in public? Stripes? Pants with skirts over them? Peeshaw! We are total fashion mavens around these parts.

I'm still obsessed with Candy Crush Saga and can't figure out how everyone is moving past me in Speed Racer form. Like my husband is about to kick my ass in his movement. THIS I can't handle.

I'm so glad the Bachelor is almost over because I simply can't handle this show any longer. I can't stand this dipwad and the choices he's made. Hurry up and pick the chick you are going to dump 12-weeks later because you have completed your contractual obligations.  Have you noticed the complete narcissic giddiness he displays when he takes his shirt off? I don't think there has been one episode in which his shirt has stayed on for the entire show.  I mean, dude, I manage to keep my shirt on during my hometown visits.

A new show I'm OBSESSED with is LA Shrinks on Bravo. I love it! Mainly because the show validates every reason why I didn't persue my Doctorate in Counseling. In a word (okay, phrase) - people are crazy. I do have to say, I can totally relate to the woman who screams and yells "Fuck you, you Motherfucker!" in her car.  She seems to have a few anger issues. Sister, don't we all. We're just living the dream. Livin' the dream.

Right now, I'm finishing up a wedding and planning on an upcoming ski trip in which I don't have a stitch of ski clothing for my family. We leave in less than two weeks.  Have a I mentioned that we've never been skiing? Well, Rich has but the girls and I haven't. No worries here on the injury portion of skiing for me. I'll be tucked safe and warm in the local bar. Drinking away any anxiety of someone running into a tree and killing themselves.  I better up everyone's life insurance. and take a shit-ton of Xanax with me.

 

inappropriate behavior

I've been busy y'all. Like I don't have time to play Candy Crush Saga and Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook all day kind of busy! 

This past week I attended a Trivia event at our church/the girl's old school.  Rich had to stay home with Mordecai as she had strep for the second time in the past three months.

Last year, the drunkest table in the trivia/trivial room (our table) came in third place. This year? The drunkest table (our table) who happened to be a step closer to the bar came in FIRST!!! I think it all had to do with the locale of the bar.

After looking at this photo this is the part of the evening where I should have put my stupid ass in my car but instead, I walked right up to the girl's ex-school's principal.  Thankfully, I remembered to mind my P's and Q's. I didn't even slip in a motherfucker into the convo.

My personal goal was to have the principal look me in the eye and acknowledge we are no longer at this school and why the hell didn't you ask us why we left?  After quite a bit of hem-hawing and ludicrous excuses as to why the school's enrollment is down (WAAYY DOWN), she told us we are welcome back any time. "Please come back now, ya hear?"

I walked away even more relieved of my decision to yank our girls the hell out of there. Besides the total lack of an excellent education - the lack of any acknowledgement of the problem is still the red herring to the administration.

and we are welcome back anytime?  As if we weren't in the first place? We weren't fired for God's sake!WE left!

Anywho, our table felt quite good about winning out of the shear fact this place has totally torn us and our children down. We completed our legacy. Our kids are gone or soon-to-be and so is their entertainment and fun for next year. Serious fun. and money. More fun than money.

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This week we also found out that our Platy fish can have a shit-load of babies after leaving their supposed virginity at the door of the pet store. A baby happened to whiz around the fish tank on Saturday. After much fishing about and shaking all of the plastic leaves in the tank, the fish was gone. We guess one of the two bitches in the tank ate the tiny wee babe.

Four days later, another new baby showed up to the party late into the night. We were able to segregate the wee one while watching the piranhas try to eat their young. The should totally be reported to PETA or at the very least DHS for their shitty parenting skills.

Don't give me the evil eye, Gabby.  You are the cannibal whore, not me.

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Sunday we decided to tackle a bit of a 'hoarding' going on in our garage. You would be amazed how much crap we have (or not one bit) and still have too much crap.  After chunking five boxes of stuff to the curb, trash or the donation pile, I found an interesting engagement picture of Rich and I from long ago.

as well of a picture from High School on the left. 

The expression on my face is a true representation of WTF have I gotten myself into here.....

I still feel the same way most days.

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Have you been watching The Bachelor?  I have to admit I took a five year break because I couldn't handle all of the needy assholes on the show.  I guess I'm anemic in the asshole department as of late because I started watching the franchise again. All I have to say is.....

this delusional ass-wipe can't kiss for shit!  No wonder he's not married.  My 16-year-old boyfriend TOTALLY kissed better than this.  When your mouth collapses and the innards of your face look like a hillbilly without your wooden dentures intact while kissing, you, my dear, need some lessons in the making out department.

Don't get me started on Tierra or all of the whiny women who say they have fallen in love with Sean and "want" him within the 3.5 seconds of spending actual physical space in his altered time space continium. 

I wish I could unread who the spoilers say he has ended up with in the "most dramatic final rose ceremony to date...."

Not that I would hate this final choice but it's kind like when I read the ending of a book after reading the first three chapters.  A problem I actually have when reading. I'm too impatient and if this shit doesn't end well, why waste my time?  but yet, I'm so disappointed to know what is going to happen.

I have to say, impatience hasn't really served me well in my life.

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It seems the wedding season is upon us and oh, man! I have weddings lined up.

Both a good and bad thing.

Bad as I can't waste my time on the computer, with crap t.v., or hiding out in the bathroom reading my US magazine.  Good because I need the dough to replace our roof from last year's hail damage.  It seems we spent the 80% reinbursed insurance money on expenses in December and January because fucking banks and mortgage companies felt like holding onto their money instead of paying their creditors.

Funny to think, we are actually a creditor of sorts. I wish I could bomb these companies credit records for their shitty paying practices.

Seriously. We have cookies, Valentines and Monster High to buy for these babes.

OH!MY!GOD! She is just a baby!!!!!!

Don't even get me started on reading about a nine-year-old giving birth to a child.  My baby is nine. I can't begin to imagine.

This world is truly fucked up.