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27 April 2009


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Please know that it is not your fault. I am so sorry that you've had to go through this and I wish I could ease your pain and suffering. But please know it is not your fault.


I wish I had the perfect words to say. I believe the doctor is right, this is not your fault. It's a horrible horrible thing, but it's not your fault.

Praying for you all.


Oh Dear! It just is NOT your fault. I am a lurker who hurts so much for you! I have had those same 'It's all my fault" feelings, but with much better outcomes. I so with that you could know that it is not your fault.


no. it just isn't your fault- that is the simple truth. if you could have controlled it, it never would've happened....and it could happen to anyone - that is why they have a name for it that we're all familiar with (well, we all know the name of it &what it results in, but not the mysterious mechanics of it). it is just tragic & senseless that it had to happen to thalon. but the fact that you feel this way only speaks to how much you love him.

you/your family remain in our thoughts and prayers.


You're a good mom. This was not your fault. A terrible tragdy for which no one is to blame. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers everyday.


Oh my God, Shana. Oh.My.God. I just keep going back to your old posts and looking at your gorgeous son . . . and wishing that someone, anyone, could turn back time. I think about him everyday and wonder how a merciful God could allow something like this to happen. My heart goes out to you.


How horrific. And how not your fault. And how terribly incredibly tragic. Thanks for sharing your story. I think there is a misconception that SIDS is actually just a negligent poor ignorant folks' problem, something that happens to the uninformed. It is not, and how devastating it is that your experience has been the reminder for the rest of us that SIDS is real and can strike anyone.


((((shana & family)))). i'm just a lurker. i have no words of wisdom. just praying for you and your family. i am so sorry for your loss.

maggie, dammit

It's not. I swear it's not.


I am devastated all over again. Sending you my thoughts and prayers again, still.

Jeni (Single Jen)

You know you can't think that way. You just can't. You will not make it through the rest of your life if you keep blaming yourself. But who am I to lecture you. I have no idea of even HALF of what you must be going through.

Vodka/Red Bull.....helps everything.


My heart literly hurts for you. Plain and simply it hurts!

Gwen Jackson

I'm going to add my voice to the throng of voices saying, "It is NOT your fault." You so obviously adore your children, care for them, love them. You did everything you could to save the life of your precious son.

Kim Powell

You have been in my thoughts every single day since I heard of the awful news. Please don't think that it is your fault. It's not, it's just really, really not. I pray peace be with you.


I can't even imagine what you must be going through. I really can't. To even try to imagine, is selfishly, more than I can handle. I'll continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry.


We love you....that is a known.....


I can't even start to imagine what you're going through. I'm terribly sorry for everything - for what happened and how it definitely shouldn't have happened. You didn't deserve it. And as hard has it is to believe, it's NOT your fault. I'm so sorry.


It's really not your fault and you need to believe that down into your bones. We all experience grief differently, you, your husband, your kids . . . It's still so soon. . . but eventually consider grief counseling. You really do need to know that this is not your fault.


I do not personally know you but I try and feel your pain and I cry for you and your family. I am soo sorry. And it's not your fault.... it's not and remember that. I think and pray for you and your family daily. Sending you a big hug and lots of love..


So fuckin unfair - that's the hell of it. You couldn't do anymore to prevent it than anyone of us could have if it was our own baby. Life is random and it's a bitch. You'll never get the answers you're looking for - you just need to get up everyday and try to be there for your other 2 angels. I don't know if it will ever get easier, I doubt it, but you'll find a way.


Oh, Shana. This could have happened to any one of us. It's not your fault. It's not. And I know it doesn't help, hearing this from all of us; that you need to believe it yourself, but even so, I'll say it again: it's not your fault. Love you. xoxo


Echoing everyone else . . . it is not your fault. Oh, so not your fault. It could have happened to any of us. Crying for your sweet boy again . . .


But it's just NOT your fault! All you did was put him down for a nap like we ALL have. And we've all put our kids for naps places other than their cribs--that doesn't make any difference. What happened is all of our worst nightmares--a terribly unfortunate event--but one that is certainly not your fault.

You are going through so much right now--please don't blame yourself!!


Oh, Honey.

Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault.



It's not your fault, like everyone has already told you, though I am certain your pain is not eased. I'm sorry for your pain. I hate that this happened.

Camels & Chocolate

It doesn't matter how many times people say it, because it's not like it makes it any better or brings him back, but NOT YOUR FAULT. An act of fate, or God if that's what/who you believe in. We're not supposed to understand it right now, other than to know that LIFE SUCKS. And that, we all know, and can agree with along beside you as you continue to gracefully deal with it all.

You are amazing.


Please know this is not your fault. I know that's easy for me (a complete stranger) to say, but it's really not your fault.

I can't imagine what it's like to live through this tragedy, but I sincerely hope you find comfort in your family and friends. I'm so very sorry.

bethany actually

I'm going to say it again, even though it's already been said: not your fault. Truly, it's NOT. You are a good mom and you would have given your own life for Thalon if it would have helped, I know you would have.

Praying for you guys.


You had that "mother's instinct" to check on him and you did. You did not ignore that thought.... you checked on your baby because that's what mothers do. You did not put him down for a nap expecting, or knowing that this SIDS shit was going to happen to your baby. You are grieving, and you should not add guilt to the mixture. It was not your fault!! I wish that someone really had some answers, as to why anyone should have to experience such heart-ache. God Bless you and your family, and remember how much you did love him, and care for him while you had him. He is in heaven, and he knows.


Shana, I'm sure you did all that you could do. This is a horrible tragedy, but as everyone has said above, it is not your fault. Not even a little bit. It broke my heart to read this because losing a child is so traumatic, but really, truly, you did everything you could have done. I have no doubts that Thalon knew you loved him and that you were and are the best mom ever to your children. I know we all wish we could make it better. Sending you lots of love and peace today.

And vodka, naturally.


Of course it's not your fault. But I know it's going to take awhile for you to believe that. Peace.


Oh my! I know nothing anyone can say will make you feel any differently, but I have to believe that any parent who has gone through the pain you're going through thinks that. "If only I had..."

SIDS is probably a very frustrating diagnosis because it means everything and nothing all at the same time, so by its nature it doesn't help assuage your feelings.

I hope you find comfort and solace in the support you have received from your readers.


Oh Shana, I have nothing to add to what anyone else said. Just know you have a lot of people thinking of you.


We all know its not your fault.It could have happened if he was sleeping anywhere. What's happened is cruel, random and senseless, but not your fault. Please.


It could have been anyone of us. It is not your fault, I swear.


This is a horrible, terrible, awful tragedy that is completely not your fault. I'm so so sorry for your loss. Your family is still in my thoughts daily.


Oh, Shana, it is the farthest thing from being your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault ... just a lousy, shitty example of really tragic things happening to really good people. Your love for all three of your kids shines through, and everyone knows it. I hope eventually you can begin to believe it, too.

Bridget Larsen

Its circumstances that happened and Thalon's destiny was to touch all of you and all of us for a short while only, enough to leave wonderful memories for everyone. You didn't do anything to cause this but be a wonderful loving and caring mother and now your girls and your hubby need you, they need you more than you will ever know.


What happened to your baby is horrible. It is tragic. It is soul crushing and senseless. In short, is is incrediably fucked up and something no parent should ever have to endure. It makes me question the very existance of God.

The one thing it wasn't was your fault.

I doubt there are very many parents that could honestly say their child NEVER slept on their bed, a couch, etc. New research shows that babies that sleep on their back and are suddenly on their stomach are more at risk of SIDS. Likely, your sweet little man rolled over and was either still asleep or fell back asleep. The important thing is this could have easily happened in his crib instead. The majority of babies that do pass away from SIDS do so in their own crib. After all, it is called crib death, not "adult bed death".

It is highly likely your sweet, precious baby did not suffer at all, just quietly slipped away. You however are suffering immensely. The one thing you don't need to add to the heartbreak is guilt. I know you would have given your own life for your son if you had the choice. You loved that little boy. Please don't torture yourself with what you could have done. It was not your fault.




I think the fact that you feel like it is all your fault, shows what a great mother you really are. I would be worried about you if that thought DIDN'T cross your mind.


It makes perfect sense that you would feel like it is your fault even though IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Fucking SIDS. Why does such a horrible thing exist? I do not understand. It's horrible.

Jeri in Hawaii

This is SO NOT YOUR FAULT! A hundred (or a thousand) people can tell you that because it is simple the truth. But another truth is our telling you won't make you feel better - knowing something in your head (it isn't your fault) doesn't change how you feel in your heart...that takes time. Just know that the thoughts and prayers of many are with you and your family as you go through this most difficult time.

Repeat after me: "it's not my fault, I'm a good mom." Repeat often until your heart starts to believe what your head (and all of your friends) already know.


So very much not in any way your fault. I can't imagine the hell on earth you must be going through and I'm just so very very sorry for your family.


I've sitting here looking at this white comment section trying to come up with the "right" words. I finally realized, there are no "right" words. This sucks! It's not your fault, it's not anyones fault, but it still sucks! I am so incrediably sorry.


A complete stranger de-lurking here to let you know how hard I'm praying for you. And praying that those untrue thoughts are banished and replaced with peace. It was not your fault. Please, please don't believe that for a minute.

I, like countless readers, are lifting you up in prayer.


Babies come when they decide and leave when they have done what they came to do. Your baby had accomplished his purpose, and my heart aches for you. Blessed be.


i cannot possibly imagine how heartbreaking that experience was. truly, something no one ever even dreams of happening. but my god, shana, this was not your fault at all. shit just *happens* to the best of people, and sometimes, nothing we do can stop it. my heart is aching for you. i swear, to the depths of the universe and back, this was not your fault.

haitian-american family of three

I am so so sorry. It is not your fault. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.


Oh Shana, it was not your fault. Please repeat that over and over to yourself until you believe it. It is unfair and so sad, but not anyone's fault. xoxoxo


I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's totally not fair. And absolutely not your fault. Absolutely. With time hopefully you'll come around to realize that. I'm so sorry.

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