all knowing

My Maternal Grandfather was 1/2 Irish and 1/2 Indian. I would give you the pedigree of Indianage but sadly, I haven't a clue because I never paid attention to such details. I only paid attention to the more important lineage of my Irish and Scottish roots and well, this has always given me the license to drink to my heart's content because, you know, it's in my genes  - and as a woman once kindly told me at a wedding reception, "your love for potatoes, alcohol and the size of your butt, sure make you look like a true Irish Woman" No shit! This was at a Jewish wedding and let me tell you, their potatoes were simply FUCKING DIVINE! And I was able to drink everyone's ass under the table . Lightweights. Anyway, add some German semi-royalty in the batter and well, I'm destined to be an alcoholic. (Joking people, I'm not so sure everyone really knows that I still have a fragment of my sense of humor left....I'm not a complete alcoholic - yet.)

Anyway, my Grandfather was an odd man. He left home early due to a very harsh upbringing. He simply was a product of an age of "spare the rod, spare the child." He was beaten and berated by the hands of his father, who was treated the same by his family. You do what you know, right? His/my Grandfather's mother's name was/is Celia. I always loved the name, even though she was simple and my Grandmother had "issues" with her. She knew how to wring a chicken by it's neck and have the most bountiful garden at the same time. She was an odd duck to say the very least but I loved her in a very strange, far removed way. She was an enigma to me.

So, back to my Grandfather. He was a VERY superstitious man to a fault. The throw the salt over your shoulder if you drop the salt shaker, don't walk under a ladder and never let a black cat cross your path kind of man. Though, I found it odd at the end of his life, he befriended a black cat that he loved and adopted, named "CJ." "Cat Johnson" to be exact.

My Grandfather took the place of my father in all the ways of support, love and devotion a father should. I've heard he wasn't the most explemenary father but he was the BEST Grandfather one could ever hope for. He taught me drive, ride a bike and well, saved me from every situation a father should have and did. His favorite sayings were "the birds are chirping. We are alive and well.  This day is going to be a good day" - even if it was fucking raining outside. I used to look at him like he was crazy because half of the time I thought he was out of his ever-loving mind to think that something like the weather which was so depressing and his outlook of it's going to be "alright" was never my first thought.  

I do have to say, anytime I stressed or was upset about any situation, like hitting a car while trying to park the tank during my FIRST driver's test, his pat answer would always be a calm "Ah, honey. Everything is going to be alright."  He always seemed to be the voice of reason. Positive, if you would say.

My Grandfather's past-time included reading palms. Now, I know I'm approaching strange territory for most here but part of me believes there are people that have a "knowing" about certain situations and outcomes. My Grandfather always seemed to know so.  He spent time reading books, studying and well, driving my poor Catholic Grandmother crazy with his "talk."

When my mother was pregnant with me, I wasn't officially due until the middle of March. She went into labor two weeks early. My Grandfather, an oilfield man by trade, was never in contact with anyone because of course, these were the days before cell phones and pay phones on remote locations. He "knew" my mother was in labor and rushed to her side when I was born. Call it a "knowing"or a fluke, but I always thought this story was odd that he would know my mother was having me at the exact time he arrived from out of nowhere. My true Father? He was out getting drunk and mistaking me for the Mexican baby born at the same time. There were three babies born that day. Me, a Mexican and a Black child. One could never accuse my Father as to being a very astute motherfucker.

Anyway, on to my strange and surreal story. On my 13th birthday or there about, I begged and pleaded for Grandfather to "read" my hand as I was want him to do throughout the years. I did this throughout the years because, like everyone, I wanted to know that even then, I was going to get married someday and have children. He looked at my hand and would draw on it with a ballpoint pen. Pointing out six pointed stars at many points on my health, heart and life lines. These lines, as he put it, were "lucky." I would be a survivor and would manage anything thrown at me. The one thing he did say, which throughout the many years, I never forgot was - "I was going to have children but my first born son was going to die."  Even at 13, this distraught me. My Grandmother chastised him for saying such a thing. How could someone/ANYONE say such a thing?

Fast forward to now. I have had "near" misses as one would say, last year. Always thinking that "this " pregnancy was probably what my Grandfather meant. IF, I were to give any credence to such talk from such a long time ago.

When I found out I was pregnant this last time. I figured it was a miracle of sorts as we weren't trying and well, I'm a well-oiled clock. I ovulate at the same time every month. Still do as a matter of fact. The thing is, when Thalon was conceived, I seemed to have ovulated twice that month. Something doctors don't discuss as possibilities. "Spontaneous ovulation" as my doctor quoted me.

My whole pregnancy as I very well documented, I was in denial that I was indeed pregnant. Why? Because I KNEW I was having a boy. Not that I didn't want a boy, and we all know that I didn't find out the results until he was born but I was in denial for the shear fact that the nagging words spoken, some 26 years prior from my Grandfather, might actually come true.

Let me stop here and say. I do believe there are people that are "sensitive." I do have to admit to knowing when friends were in jeopardy and I knew my Grandmother was going to die when she was supposed to be coming home from the hospital the next day. I, by all means don't think I know shit about anything and can't predict the future but I do have to say, the day that Thalon died "the first time," my Grandfather's words flashed before my eyes while the girls and I were happily playing with him and smothering him with kisses that morning. He was strongly kicking, gurgling and cooing much like a six month old, not an almost four month old. I QUICKLY dismissed these thoughts. I remember admonishing myself for thinking such a horrible thing. After all, my Grandmother said to me many times, "my Grandfather didn't know EVERYTHING! NO ONE CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE!"

Three hours later, I found him dead in our bed. Five steps from where I was sitting the whole time at my computer, eating a motherfucking egg salad sandwich. Never a peep or cry was heard.

Now, tell me. Was this a self-fulling prophecy? Did I will this to happen?  Did my Grandfather know something I didn't know? Did I know something I would never admit to myself to knowing? OR, did chance somehow find me and it's ALL a coincidence?

 

Comments

[Laura Brandon]

I don't believe in coincidences. But I also believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything happens in God's timing... Don't know if that though helps you at all, but maybe it will.

[180]

wow. what a crazy story! it gave me chills. i definitely believe certain people are "sensitive." i think i'd have to go with #3. your grandfather did know something. i also believe that you are a survivor and will somehow get through this. xxx

[Camels & Chocolate]

Whoa. That is all so strange, and to be honest, I don't know what to make of it one bit...

[karen]

well your grandfather was right about you being a survivor! I think maybe he was sensitive to these think. I mean, woah, his palm reading was awfully specific! I think you're such an incredibly strong woman and a damn good writer too. thanks for sharing. oh & Thalon's pic is the enlarged one in the flickr feed in your side bar this second and wow, he was a gorgeous little boy (but you already knew that!). Ok, I gotta stop commenting b/c I have tears in my eyes now. Thinking of you and your fam.
hugs

[Renee Shepherd]

I don't know you, I stumbled here from another blog and I am in awe of you right now. I don't know what to say except that I can't understand what you are going through, I can't bare to think of a loss so huge but from one Mommy to another I am thinking of you.

[Jeri in Hawaii]

I am absolutely certain Thalon's death was not a self-fullfiling prophecy (you would have gladly proven your grandfather wrong on that one!). I am just as certain you didn't will it to happen (that's just crazy and I'm not going there - you're a good mom and you love your kids). No, my money is on the fact that your grandfather was, in fact, "sensitive." I'm sure he meant no harm when he told you what he "saw" but I'm sure he would never have shared the prediction if he knew it would cause you to doubt yourself and add additional pain to an already tragic situation. Although nothing is ever going to make this situation "alright," your grandfather was right about you being a survivor.
With much aloha.

[Noelle]

No, it was not a self-fulfilling prohpecy--that is your guilt talking again. But it's entirely possible that you had a premonition. Whether it was mother's intuition or a subconcious memory choosing to coincidentally rear its head at that moment, it was most certainly not something that you willed to happen. I really believe that.

I hope you will, too.

[Sarah]

Who knows? But it must make what you're going through worse. I mean, it's hard enough to deal with the most horrendous random and cruel event that could happen. But in some ways "random" is much easier to deal with than "pre-ordained". Because pre-ordained means that maybe just maybe you could've done something about it or been more vigilant or etc etc etc. Your grandfather's story aside I hope you're not raking over these coals of guilt. It must be very very hard. But you just have to believe that you couldn't have done anything differently. What happened to you and your son was not your fault.

[Alison]

Oh, honey. I don't know. You are going to choose to believe one thing or the other, and whatever you choose is fine. But I know for sure that you didn't will it to happen. Don't ever think that you did.

[Amberly]

I have to admit, I've always kind of feared what you're talking about here. I don't claim to have the sensitivity you speak of, but whenever a bad thought crosses my mind, I chastise myself for thinking such thoughts and I'm always afraid that by even thinking them, I've somehow tempted fate.

[Myg]

I just think some people can remember the future. And apparently there are some outcomes we can't change.

There's nothing you did to cause Thalon's death, and nothing you could have done to prevent it. Maybe that's the hardest part, you know? Having that fear and having no way to prevent it from coming true. I'm so so sorry. I just started reading your blog when it was linked from amalah.com after Thalon's death. I've got two baby boys who are exactly a month younger than Thalon and I think of you and your loss every day. I can't say I'm sorry enough for the pain you're going through now. I hope as you continue to explore it and the meaning of it all you do find some solace, some peace, and all of the support and love you need to get through.

[Beret]

That is a very powerful story. I have never bought into that crappy philosophy "everything happens for a reason". No, there is no reason a baby should be taken from his loving family. It's pure chance, our lives. Things happen and we are left to deal with them but there is no rhyme or reason.

I believe some people have the "knowing". I highly doubt your Grandfather would have said something like that if he didn't truly "see" it. No one can explain it, but I believe it exists.

Still thinking of you all and praying you'll get through this.

[Heidi]

I think your grandfather knew. And your baby boy is surely with him right now. Its all going to be alright. It really is.

[Niki]

I agree 100% with Heidi. Your grandfather was special and maybe he was trying to spare you future pain.
Even though I don't know you your family is in my thoughts.

[Jeni (Single Jen)]

I'm speechless.

[Kris]

Have you given any thought to maybe, just maybe, there was a part of your grandfather in Thalon? It sounds like the two of you were very close. I feel weird even typing this, because it's not really who I am, or who I've always been - but sometimes things happen that are so fucking hard to explain. I'm inclined to say it's all random and total coincedence, but... part of me feels that maybe this was a way for your grandfather to spend just a few more months with you. The pregnancy seemed to happen of it's own volition - as though it was decided for you. See what I'm getting at? He had so much love for you - maybe he wanted to see you again and be with you again, if not for a long time. It almost seems planned. I hope I'm not pissing you off by saying that. I'm just talking out my ass here. But it's such a strange situation.

I hope you can find something that brings you peace. You deserve happiness. I don't know you, but you seem really cool and you are clearly a great mom. Good luck.

[Colleen]

I wish I could show up at your door and wrap you up in a huge hug right now. When my son's twin brother died in utero people used to tell me "it was for the best." and "these things happen for a reason and it's all a part of God's plan." Personally I thought it was a load of crap because nothing made me feel better and I just don't believe an "all good God" would want babies to die for no reason. I think your Grandfather was a very wise man and I can understand and appreciate the battle raging in your head. I wish I could be there for you.

I will be thinking of you this weekend. The best I can do for you is to send you strength and hope for moments of peace.

[Christina]

It is hard to say... You know how in life hindsight is 20-20, or least I feel this way, may others do not?! Like we try to understand what happened to us after the fact and then we start drawing conclusions and we can see the light, or the trees through the forest or whatever other sayings you want to use. It would seem your grandfather knew. He sensed something tragic happening to you but then again tragedy can happen to all of us at any time. So perhaps he was just good at playing the odds. I am a believer in everything happens for a reason but I think that is because it is what I know. I have survived bad "things" and made choices based on those happenings. Some times they were good choices and some times they were bad but looking back everything that has happened to me in my life has gotten me to this point in my journey. I think that is true for most people if they really stop and think about it.

Making sense out of what happened to your sweet baby boy... well I would do the same thing you are doing. I cannot say definitively for you this was a self fulfulling prophecy or something you knew all along due to your grandfather's prophecy because it could be all of these things, or none. A series of coincidences? It is hard to say. Maybe time will tell. As an aside, I wish I could offer something to help take away the pain I can only vaguely begin to imagine you must feel each day. It may mean little or not enough (and we are strangers) but I think about you every day, I am there with you in spirit if that helps even just a 1/2 (one eighth, one sixteenth??) of one per cent in your life.

[Bitts]

I don't think it was coincidence, either. People know stuff they have no business knowing. Like you described, it happens sometimes to me, too.

I think the comfort you can take from this series of memories is that your grandfather was not surprised on April 10 (or on the 12th) when Thalon arrived in heaven. "Hey little man!" he probably said, "I've been waiting for you! I can't wait to show my beautiful, perfect great-grandson to everybody around here ..." and then he cradled Thalon in his arms, kissed and cuddled him ... and went to show him off to Elvis.

Still thinking of ya'll every day.

[-R-]

I don't know if it was coincidence or if your grandfather could really sense something, but I DO know that you did not will this to happen, and it wasn't a self-fulfilling prophecy. It was not your fault.

[a madhouse wife]

You did not will this to happen. It was not a self fulfilling prophecy. Some people do just know these things. I am one of those "sensitive" people...I can't predict things, but I feel like I'm intuitive about a lot of stuff. And I believe your grandfather when he says you are a survivor and you will handle anything that is thrown at you. And this is certainly the worst that will be thrown you. Love you!

[S]

I don't think it was self fulfilling. However, I do believe in your Grandfather.
It wasn't your fault.

[Dianne]

Wow. I think some people do know things. I don't think you thinking about this though brought anything to pass. I have to say my line of thinking would be going along the same path. When things like this happen I don't know that there is a definite answer. It sucks, but you know that already. But as your grandfather said you will make it through as hard as it may be. Hang in there.

[Crystal D]

Honestly, I just don't know what to think. Do I think we are all on a path that has a predetermined outcome? Yeah, probably. Do I think some people are sensitive to future events? Yeah, probably. Do I have thoughts during the day, that I hope and pray never happen? Yes. Do I think that Thalon is alright and sitting in your Grandfather's lap right now? Yes.
You are a survivor.

[Kyra]

Hmm... I ran a stop sign and almost gave the tester-guy a heart attack on my first driving test. :)

Life sort of weaves one way and then another. None of this is your fault (except for maybe the fender bender.)

[Christine]

Maybe your grandfather knew something. But in no way did you will this to happen. Crappy things happen occasionally to good people, but you didn't do anything wrong. You put Thalon down for a nap, that's all.

It isn't your fault Shana. You'll make it through.

[Jessica]

I'm a medical doctor and one thing I know for certain is that you can't "will" someone to die. Not a baby surrounded by love and care. Babies don't die from thoughts, even fearful ones. As for your Grandfather, I don't know. It sounds incredible, but there are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. Or mine, for that matter.

He said "first-born" as though there would be others? All very strange.

[Kellie]

I, too was mistaken for a Mexican boy baby named Raul - which is weird in itself what with the penis and all. Never mind the fact that Raul had thick black hair and dark skin (like his parents) and *I* had no hair and was whiter than white like my own kin. Biological sperm donors are just the best!

I had a "knowing" great grandmother as well, who many dismissed. I didn't dismiss her, but I choose to conveniently forget warnings and the insight she was trying to give me. She made several predictions that there spot on including that one of my sons would be stillborn and I would never be the same after. I can remember my mom telling me that she was just a crazy old lady and that there was no possible way she could know that - or should have said that... so I dismissed it until December 1, 1999 when my son was stillborn. That is not a coincidence or a self fulfilling prophecy. That is some freaky shit that will haunt me for all my remaining days. Can you imagine how difficult it would have been to be my grandmother or your grandfather and to tell us these things knowing full well that they would be dismissed as "crazy talk"? I'm not sure that would be a gift I would want.

Hang in there, and keep writing - it's very therapeutic.

PS. I'm thinking we should start a club or something - "I was mistaken for a Mexican baby by my own sperm donor!" I'm sure there must be more of us out there.

[Amber]

I know exactly what you mean about having thoughts and then thinking "how could I have that thought, shut up!" When I was about 13, I went to babysit my neighbors 2 boys while they went to have their daughter. As I crawled into bed that night, like the wind, this thought passed through my head that she wasn't going to make it. I was so upset with myself for thinking that and it took me a long while to fall asleep.

The next morning their dad came home and told me there was a tradgedy and the baby didn't make it. I wasn't surprised really, but I was devestated and thinking what if somehow me thinking that made it happen.

I realize now that it was just a feeling for some reason that was brought to me and I didn't will it...I would never wish for a baby to die and it was just that lone thought that passed through my head. It isn't your fault.

[serenity]

I agree - NOT a self-fulfilling prophecy. This is NOT YOUR FAULT.

And I believe your grandfather.

xxx

[Carrisa]

I can't believe for a minute that it was a self fulfilling prophecy. Although I couldn't begin to explain why or how it happened.

As someone who believes in God and Jesus I know that the whole "bad things happening to good people" thing is the hardest to wrap your mind around. At least for me it is. I just have to cling to the hope that one day I'll get into Heaven and can get my answers then.

I'm sure this does nothing to comfort you now though. So vodka it is!

(hugs)

[Lar]

Less than five minutes after I was told my grandmother died, my husband (then boyfriend) called me long-distance because he felt like something was wrong. He didn't even know she was sick.

I do think some people are sensitive to things outside our normal realm of understanding. I'm so sorry that your grandfather's sight was true, and I do not in any way think that it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. In the Old Testament God warned the Israelites against fortune tellers, and I believe it was not because they were scammers or tricksters but because they could see into a realm that is dangerous for us to play around with. Who *really* wants to know the future?

(PLEASE don't take that as a criticism of your grandfather--I don't mean it that way AT ALL--I'm just sharing my thought that psychic powers are real and were acknowledged as such by God.)

Even though I've only been "lurking" here I've been praying for you often. May God give you the strength to do what needs to be done each day--

[3carnations]

Certainly you didn't will it to happen. As for what your grandfather said...I generally don't believe in things like that, but that would be the most horrible coincidence ever if he didn't really "see" it.

[daysgoby]

You did NOTHING to make this happen.

I absolutely believe, with all my heart and little skeptic soul, that some people have 'the sight'.

My great grandmother did.

[LVGurl]

This is amazing and chilling, Shana! I think your grandfather knew, and he needed to warn you because it was something beyond your control...he told you, so you could be strong to get through it. Which you are. He also knew that little boy would be with him in Heaven.

[sizzle]

I do believe that some people have a special gift to tune in deeper to their senses or the universe. I truly do. So maybe your Grandfather was right all those years ago but that doesn't mean anyone MADE it happen. We look for explanations to help soothe our hurts, understandably. But some things, like Thalon's death, cannot be explained so that the hurting stops. I wish it could so you could have some breathing room, my friend. xoxo

[a]

There are plenty of mysteries in life. It's very likely that your Grandfather saw this somehow - there's no way he would have frightened a 13 year old girl with it otherwise.

[Mer]

Wow, that is some heavy stuff. I don't know whether I think it is coincidence or that your grandfather really knew something. I definitely believe some people are more tuned in to the vibes in the universe than others, and I most definitely believe in intuition. What I know for sure is that you did not will this to happen. What I also know, as at least one other poster wrote, is that your precious Thalon is indeed with your grandfather. I also know you are a survivor. Thinking of you.

[Victoria]

This wasn't a self fulfilling prophecy and you didn't will this to happen. I think your grandfather may have seen that -- I don't know about that. I do know you are not to blame, you did not make this horrible thing happen, and there is nothing you did wrong. You loved Thalon with all your heart and he knew that, he felt loved by you and your family. It sucks so bad that he is gone but while he was here he had a great life with you guys. Not sure if I believe in heaven but if it does exist I hope he is up there with your grandfather. {{HUGS}}

[MelissaS]

If it was a coincidence, it was an eerie one.

[Sarah R]

Wow, that gives me goosebumps. I am not much of a believer, but I have happy thoughts of your grandfather holding Thalon and keeping him safe. *tears*

[The Other Dawn]

Holy shit. Just holy shit.

I totally believe it. I had a dream that my grandfather died the day before he did. When we went to the hospital, I recognized every nurse and doctor like I had been there.

Still, what a cloud to live under for all those years.

Would it have been better to never have known?

[Michele]

I used to have a dream, ever since I was a kid, that I would go into labor and my first would die. I even dreamed where the labor would happen. Sure enough, Nicholas was born that way. I also dreamed that my first pregnancy would be twins and it was. I didnt dream about losing Sophia (Nicholas's sister) or about Alexander (their younger brother) or about any subsequent pregnancies, but I definitely believe that sometimes we can tap into things.

[Becky]

Man, that's tricky stuff. I can't explain stuff like that. There's a streak of that running through my family too and I can often tell when something is going to happen or what it is (man, I sound like a kook, and you don't know me so you can't just be all, "Man, that Aunt Becky...") but it's not exact or a science. I think of it kinda like a shine.

Okay, I'll stop babbling.

I'm glad to have met you, my new friend, but I wish like hell it was under other circumstances.

[AmyH]

Maybe it was a coincidence, but that is an awful big stretch. I, too, have older family members who seemed to "know" things. Never anything as major as what your grandfather said to you, but small things that did come true. I didn't know your grandfather, obviously, but I doubt he would tell you such a terrible thing if he didn't really "know" that it was going to happen.

As far as I'm concerned, there are two things about this story that should make you feel better: it was possible fate and not your fault. And he said your FIRST born son, which would seem to suggest that you'll have a second son. Not sure if that is something you are interested in, but sounds like it could be healing.

[Kristabella]

First off, we have very similar fathers.

Second, you did NOT will this to happen and this wasn't a self-fulfilling prophecy. Clearly, as we all know, the love you had for Thalon was immeasurable and we all know you would have loved to prove your Grandfather wrong!

I tend to believe in this kind of thing that there are people with a sixth sense that know things. But I have echo what a previous commenter said that Thalon is up there with your grandfather and now they are both watching over you and are so proud at how strong you are!

But don't you just wish your Grandpa could have known other things? Like to invest in Apple stock way back in the day?

[Cat]

You did not will this to happen.

[Jodee]

Oh this gave me cold chills..I do think that some people are more "sensitive" as you put it then others. But it's not your fault... Again I am so sorry.

[Bridget]

I have a story if you'll stick with me.

I have a dear friend who worked/lived in Southern CA. She coordinated appointments for big wigs at Warner Bros studios and one appointment that kept coming up was for a woman in the valley who did readings.

Well, in 2002 I went to visit my friend and was able to get an appointment with this woman. She didn't know me from Adam and yet she told me unbelievable things.

There are just a handful of people in my life that know I had a brother that was born prematurely and died a few days after his birth--my friend who set up the appointment did NOT know. SO, this woman said to me, "you have a brother"--WHOA! She also said, "your next child will be a boy and he will have the spirit of your brother". At the time of the reading I had two children and we wanted more, many more. She knew of my miscarriages and told me I'd experience another one before my third and final child. She told me I'd only be able to carry one more b/c I'd have complications. That was vague but she was so right on all accounts. Fast forward to 2004 and we have a boy and he is the spitting image of my father. I told my parents this story and they were speechless. Their pain and sadness is still evident even 34 years later. I'm telling you this b/c some people ARE sensitive and why some woman in the valley in CA knew about my brother in heaven is beyond me. The universe works in mysterious ways. I pray for you.

[Kristin]

No. You did not will this to happen. Absolutely not.