« all knowing | Main | nothing in return »

11 May 2009


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.


My dear, I don't know you but I thought of you and your family today. My heart goes out to you. Keep up the good fight to care for yourself and your family.

Camels & Chocolate

I thought of you and Heather today. I hope you're both pulling through.


How offensive, even if they're "true", to suddenly have such statistics slapped on your love, when you're already in the middle of such pain. I love that you feel you'll rise above it, and that you have such comfort in each other. For your beautiful Thalon and your gorgeous girls. For each other, just as you are.

Lynn Wilson

Been thinking of you, especially on Mother's Day, but every day. You and Rich aren't a statistic with us.

Fairly Odd Mother

He sounds like a great man and a great father. I'm so glad he's there for you.


I am sorry for the loss of your son.

I just wish your language wasn't so crude. You can leave a wonderful legacy for your son by your journaling for him but it is tainted by the nasty language you use through out the posts. They distract from your raw emotions and from your love for him. Granted, you are young and the cuss words you use may emanate from the simple fact that you are. But your girls will read these journals someday and how proud they will be of you if you were to have shared your thoughts with the world in elegance and grace and left a memory of Thalon that is pure and simple. You may not know it, but your words will reach thousands.


I read your post and I can relate to parents divorcing after the death of a child. I have seen it many times. My brother died very suddenly at the age of 21, I was 17. My parents were both out of state when it happened. Granted, my brother was older then Thalon, but I wanted to tell you my parents survived it, and so can you and your husband. As for the comment by Janet, ignore it. Everyone has their own way for dealing with greif. You have a whole blogging world that loves you and your family and is willing to listen and read what you write.
Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.


i wish for nothing but the best for you and your husband- and don't forget how lucky he is to be married to you as well! i'm also the lazy spouse. but he's lazy too. i'm wondering if that is the ideal combo..... *fingers crossed*!

seriously, though, i feel like open communication is the key. it has to be.


I am not condemning Janet.

But I cannot imagine going through such grief and having such raw emotion without swearing. The fact that you don't swear every other word, to me, is humbling.


You an your husband will make it through this in the only way to you two know how. I believe there is no way for him to blame you for anything that happened, simply because it's true. You didn't do this. Nothing about this is your fault. He could never think such a thing about such a wonderful mother.

Express your grief however you see fit. Mourn Thalon however you need. This time is for no one but you, Rich and your girls.

Your thoughts and words are your own. We are just glad that you have chosen to share them with us. And anything we can do to help you through it, we will. No judgement should come to you now, or ever, for how you greive your son.


So sad. So sorry. I think you should use whatever words you want to. These are YOUR emotions, thoughts & feelings. People shouldn't tell you what to say or HOW to say things.


It's good that you and your husband are able to lean on each other. Neither of you needs the other to make this even harder.


So proud of you and love you so much. Let me know if you want to go to lunch and get out for a while....you know where we'll go!


Thought of you all day yesterday...
PS Note to Janet: MYOB...you can not judge another with out first walking in her shoes. And besides you are visiting HER site...nobody is forcing you to read it. Move along if it offends you.


I just read an article that talked about how these major life-altering events more often than not serve to strengthen a marriage, so I find it surprising that the statistic for divorce after the loss of a child is so high.

My sister & brother-in-law successfully weathered this storm a little more than two years ago, and though I do not know you personally, from what I've read about you & your "dude" here, I have no doubts that you will survive as well.

You're all still in my prayers.


Shana, my husband and I heard some of the same statistics (although I don't think it was as high as 90%) for parents of kids with cancer .... how many of the marriages don't survive the stress. I think (bearing in mind I have no credentials whatsoever except life experience) that if you have a good marriage to begin with, you can come out on the other side even stronger. I also understand how a relationship that is already flawed or stressed or weak could totally crack under the strain of a loss a great as yours. I think the important thing (which you and Rich have already discovered) is to not blame, and turn to each other for support.

Anyway, not sure what my point was here, except to say I'm sure you and Rich will be ok --- and when you *do* get mad at him, for the important stuff like leaving his socks on the floor, you can always come here and vent to us people of the internet. :)


I'm a lurker who found your blog within the last year and loved your writing so much that I have gone back and read almost all of your posts (don't change a thing!). I too have thought of your family often, prayed for you, sent strength your way, but haven't posted a comment... until now.

Years ago my husband and I also lost a child. If there was ANY silver lining to be found in that experience, it was that it truly strenghtened my relationship with my husband. To be able to talk, share our feelings, be honest & raw, and to cling to each other was a blessing and reminded me how much I truly love and need him. It was the first time in our entire marriage that I felt like we were completely and utterly "there" for each other, through thick and thin.

My point is, don't worry about statistics. Statistics don't mean a thing about YOUR marriage. I know from all those years of blog posts I've read that you and your husband have a strong relationship. Cling to each other... you'll get through this, together. In the meantime, we're all still praying for you.


I don't know you, but my heart breaks for you. I lost a baby to anencephaly so I know a little of loss, but nothing like what you have experienced. My deepest condolences to your family.

I can't believe anyone would have the audacity to come here and chastise you for your word choices, or imply that your daughters will be anything less than amazed at your strength and grateful for your love. Shame on them. Or, you know, fuck those bitches. Whatever.


You are a lucky lady to have such a kind, loving and communicative "dude" as a husband and a father. But, clearly he knows he's just as blessed in having you and your daughters. Now those are some statistics!

Continued prayers for peace and strength during this most difficult time.


I was told there were similar statistics for parents of special needs children (my 7 year old son is deaf and has a cochlear implant). We may argue or have tough moments (who doesn't), but I'll be damned if that statistic is going to come true for us. Perhaps it will better serve to increase your determination never to let it.

And as for the "crude language" comment, one day when Celia and Moira are old enough to read through these archived postings, they will be able to truly know you, their mother, not some censored, edited version. Stay true to yourself; it's why so many of us read your blog and have come to love you and your family.

You are in my thoughts and I never stop wishing you comfort and peace.


The losses that my husband and I endured (recurrent early pregnancy loss) are nothing on the scale of what you have been through. But I actually felt as if our grief brought us closer. There could have been blame from my husband (I certainly blamed myself enough), but there wasn't. He knew that, like you, I had done everything that I could for the outcome to be different and that senseless tragedies just happen. And when they happen to you, it does change you, but it doesn't have to be for the worse. I feel as if I am more compassionate, more understanding, and just a better overall person. And my marriage has more of those things in it, too.

I am sure you will, but keep writing the way that you need to/want to. It wouldn't be your thoughts if you edited them. If you daughters read this some day, they will know that.

noble pig

Shana-I can imagine yesterday was a difficult day for you as Mother's Day. I know you two will make it together. Sometimes these things bring you closer. Take care.

maggie, dammit

I can see that 9/10 thing. I can. I'm so glad that's not you.

Sending mother's day love your way.


Statistics are just numbers. They mean nothing if you don't let them.

Hallie :)


Janet, shut the fuck up.


It's going to always be hard wondering what would have been, what it would have been like. And how can you not ponder those things? I'm glad to hear that your marriage is still strong; I do know the statistics are quite scary.

I'm certain you are the type who will let criticism regarding your choice of words bounce off, but I'll also back that. Screw it. It's your blog and your place to mourn in any way you see fit. You can't deal with your emotions if you have to edit them-anyone feeling uncomfortable can go elsewhere.

Peace to you and your family.


{{{hugs}}} You'll be fine. Communication is the key, and it sounds like you have that.

So, you got her the Wolverine hands, then? :)


I think if you do the same things in your relationship that got you this far, you won't have to worry about the stats. After all, once you signed the marriage license you jumped up to a 5/10 chance of divorcing...

Love to you & your crew.


Sometimes tragedy can bring people closer together. Thinking of you, still. {{{hugs}}}


I'd like to punch Janet in the face and see if she cusses.
Grr. What is WRONG with people?!

You and your family are in my thoughts..Say what you want, tell it like it is. Your children (and readers)will appreciate your honesty.


Cuss and swear and beat things up- do what you must. Thank you for sharing- in some way your words are encouraging to read.


Oy veh. Re the commenter above.... Use WHATEVER language you want. I think your language is perfectly appropriate - if you ask me. You shouldn't be anything / say anything to please anyone. Write for YOU. I don't need to tell you this. I think you need to swear right now.

This post broke my heart. Again. I'm so *fucking* sorry. ((Hugs))


Those are not true stats; there hasn't been a comprehensive study about it. Don't worry. Also, my marriage did fine.

Money quote:

"Only 9% of respondents divorced following their child’s death. 24% of the remaining respondents had considered divorce but had not actually done so. Instead of serving as a catalyst to separate, it would seem that a child’s death can actually serve to draw couples together."


I had no idea that the statistics were so high. That adds insult to injury. Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. I know you and your husband will become stronger through this. I just wish it wasn't this way.


I think of you often, and pray for you when I do.

I'm glad that you and Rich have each other. You make a great pair. xo


I have a friend who lost her 13 year old daughter to cancer and I remember some time afterwards her telling me about that statistic, at the time the one i heard was 80%, but still daunting. She and her husband are still together some 13 years later, and very ahppily so. But what she explained to me that day was that if the couple simply are unlucky enough to not mourn the same way, it can be devastating. What if you want to talk about the child all the time and your spouse cannot bear to - neither of you are wrong - but a very difficult situation. I think it helps to be aware of the statistic and to watch out for it. I wish you all the best and am so impressed with your strength, you are an inspiraiton.


I wonder what the statistics are for half-witted bloggers who leave asinine comments on grieving mothers blogs? Clearly, Janet has not been reading you regularly! Honestly, what is wrong with people?!

You and Rich are going to be fine. He is a great, caring father and husband. I think if anything, this will bring you closer. xoxo


see i like that you curse..
I curse..I always have..its what makes me me ..
My daddy cursed and my mother has never ever said a bad word ever..
daddy died when i was 20 and a few years ago i was talking and mother said..
'I swear cynnie where did you pick up this language ?"

hello Mother ? remember daddy ?
you thought he was just all funny and shit..

Its just words, I would rather speak with an english accent and use big ass words too, but that just wouldnt be me .

stay classy missy :)


Sending you "white light" every day, many times a day.


Dear Shana,

Twenty-Three years ago today my first child was born a son. Ironically it was Mothers Day. I cannot type this with out the tears pouring out. He was 10 weeks early and had a heart defect. He died three days later after open heart surgery. My husbands birthday was the 13th, ( all I could think at the time was please don't die on Johns birthday) He didn't. My heart goes out to you. You may not think so now but time does help. We are not a statistic in August we celebrate our 25th wedding anniversay. Hang in there


You're in the ten percent for sure -- top one percent of that would be my guess!

When our son was diagnosed with cancer, one of the first things my husband and I said to each other was that whatever happened, we were all going to be in it *together*.

Like one of your other commenters, I would never wish that experience on anyone else, and I would give anything to this day if it could have been me and not my son, but a good strong family does stay strong.

Yours is, and you will!


Shana, Your ability to have hope through all of this CRAP is inspiring to me.



Dude, Janet, dammit, shut the hell up. This is Shana being Shana. So if you don't like it, please go somewhere else.

Shana, I would like to just say, please keep fucking swearing as much as you damn well please. Shit.

Ahem. One of the football coaches I used to work with, all male, all testosteroney, had all daughters. And he wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I know that you guys will always miss Thalon and that Rich will always miss his boy, but I think he's going to have just as awesome experiences with his girls!


I just want to reiterate what others have said, keep on swearing. I don't know you but somehow, it just seems like it is part of you, part of your grief. And because it's yours it pains me that someone would question it in any way whatsoever.

Your girls will cherish each and every one of your words when they are old enough to read them. They will know you better because of your words here.

There ain't nothing inelegant about that!


stats are stupid. that's why no one wants to take them in college.

hugs, love.


Wow, you guys are very unkind to a person who was just trying to give advice/opinion. I wasn't hateful when I said what I said.

And I HAVE been in her shoes.

But you jumped on me before you even knew I had a story too. Would that have changed your opinion of me, though? I can only pray it would have.

Peace and God bless,


Nope, wouldn't have changed our opinion of you at all, Janet. I'm sorry for your loss but I'm sure you wouldn't have appreciated the slap in the face you just doled out while you were a grieving mother.

That said, let's all turn our attention back where it belongs.

Shana, your words DO reach thousands, and we keep coming back because we like what you have to say and how you say it. Editing yourself won't help you heal, so ignore those who tell you who and how to be. Grief is unique, and there will be times you and your husband grieve together and other times when you need to be alone. Those statistics may or may not be true, but I believe the marraiges that fail after a tragedy are the ones that were already in trouble. I've noticed how you mention concern for your husband in every post. Don't let fear of something that will probably never happen distract you from the memories of your son.

Hugs and prayers from the blogosphere.


Janet, I think the real issue here isn't stating your opinion, but stating your opinion on something that isn't an issue. The way someone chooses to use language ON THEIR BLOG isn't an issue that should be opened by a reader. That's like saying "I'm going to continue looking at you but I'm going to tell you I hate the color of shirt you're wearing" when the person you are looking at didn't even openly invite you to stare at her. Now, I agree that there are instances when it is acceptable for commenters give their opinion- when a blogger addresses a certain issue that can elicit debate.

Shana just lost her precious, sweet baby boy and this is NOT a subject of debate. Her wording and way of expressing herself falls under the subject (or issue if you must) of losing her precious baby- by choosing to criticize her 'wording', you are also making a debate out of the issue of loss. Can we say where's the tact? No one asked your opinion on how she chooses to word her blog posts and no, it doesn't matter if you have a story to share as well- you do not mess with someone who has just had the greatest loss of their lives.

Shana, fucking continue your wonderful posts- you are my inspiration (coming from a fellow lazy ass mother herself). And, I am still mourning with you.


Thinking often of you and your husband, and your sweet boy, but especially yesterday and tomorrow. Your words are moving and your daughters will be grateful for them one day.

little miss mel

Rich is the bomb. Shout it from the fucking rooftops if you want to. :)

The comments to this entry are closed.

doing it for the red bull

pin it!

  • Follow Me on Pinterest


  • Welcome to Flickr - Photo Sharing
    This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from shanaball. Make your own badge here.



  • All Rights Reserved - No Kidding!
    Any unauthorized use or blatant use of content on this page, including, but not limited to, photographs and/or text is prohibited.


  • shhh

  • Circle of Moms Top Mom Bloggers

Become a Fan