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16 June 2009


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I wish people would use their freaking brains once in a while. Morons.

I'm sorry.


Jessica said it perfectly. I am so sorry as well.

trish walker

Donate the blanket to someone who would use it. Maybe someone you know could make you a quilt/blanket out of Thalon's sleepers, blanket, etc. I think you would love that. Wish I knew how to sew, but I don't. I had to staple my last pants that the hem came out of, or I would do it for you. I hope this doesn't offend you, I too have good intentions, but seriously - not sure how she thought that would help you.


I am sure this person thought this gift was just the bees knees. Fool.


My guess is that it's not a baby blanket; it's a prayer shawl. My mother-in-law and her church cronies knit them and give them to people who are having a hard time. The color and yarn choice were wildly inappropriate, I'll agree, but I just thought I'd mention that in case it makes you feel any better.


All that and it's ugly, too. Yikes.

My guess is with Melissa; it looks like a prayer shawl to me as well. And Trish makes a good point: there may be a hospital, shelter, etc. nearby that would take it -- better that someone get some use out of it, right?


of course i will be donating it with other things this week. maybe since i'm catholic i don't get the whole Prayer Shawl thing.:)


Oh geeze. I'm so sorry someone did that. Sometimes you really have to ask whether people are awake at all in life.


WTF? I don't get why anyone would think that was an appropriate thing to give to you? I just don't understand people.


Donate the crap out of that blanket . . prayer shawl. . . whatever. It was a nice, thoughtless gesture.


I'm sorry and my heart feels for you,,,13 yrs ago I lost my baby to a negleted babysitter,,the hole in my heart will never mend,,I would do what the other ladies said and Donate it back to someone else,,give it to a homeless person,,he needs it more then you do,,again I'm sorry


Just kinda stupid of this person. Person needs to read Emily Post for proper etiquette.

Aunt Becky



I'm so sorry.



i'm sorry.

Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com

I'm positive that you are not forgetting as much as you fear. A very close friend of ours lost her son years ago. She said that at first she worried that she was losing memories, losing the feeling of him beneath her fingers and the smell of his hair after a bath and the beautiful features of his face...but that she realizes now she remembers them more perfectly than anything else because he was so important to her.

I hope that whoever ends up with it enjoys the blanket. And I am so so sorry.

Debby Pucci

Why did the client send a baby blanket? It doesn't make any sense at all, do they know what happened?
I am so sorry. I was also reading your posts about the tests. Why does it have to take so long? That is so unfair to you. My heart aches for you and this horrific journey you must travel.


It's been 7 weeks and 1 day for me and I'm STILL expecting to wake up from the nightmare...literally, I think I'll wake up and none of it will have happened. Oy, I hope my new meds are working. The person who gave you that gift is nuts. I just had a person write a comment on my blog saying that our loss was the "devastating consequences of our actions" because my wife and I are both over 40 and dared to have a child (even though my wife's age had NOTHING to do with my son's death). I deleted the comment and the second one that tried to turn my post about grief and acceptance into a referendum about women over 40 having kids.


very bad decision on their part.

little miss mel

Sorry it wasn't the ideal gift sweetie.

I have never heard of a prayer shawl. As you said, someone can get some use out of it.


P.S. If that's a prayer shawl, then I'm a yarmulke. (I feel mean and bitter for saying that because I'm sure it WAS given with the best of intentions but that ain't no prayer shawl!)


I think it's a lap blanket. That's what our church makes for prayer blankets.


You need a pair of arms to wrap around you, not a blanket, prayer- or no.


No wonder I have a hard time with organized religion. Amazing.


Not the best gift. The client clearly didn't think that one through. Good idea to donate it. Get it out of your house so it doesn't bother you and someone else can get good use out of it.


Yeesh. I'm just so sorry there are so many idiots in the world.

Serena Yuen-Beltz

Donate it, take a breath and breathe.


Oh Shana, so sorry.


I know it's not the best gift, but really, what is? I can't think of anything I could give you that would make you feel better.

You're not forgetting - you're just storing those memories for when you really need them. Those are the days in the future when you will be able to think of how wonderful he was without your entire being collapsing from the pain. They will come someday.


Umm, yeah well - that sucks donkey balls whatever the intention. I'm sorry girl.


Maybe I should qualify that I am a reformed Catholic so maybe I don't get it either.


I'm sure she had good intentions. I wouldn't know a prayer shawl from a towel, but either way...it all sucks. If she had known you it would have been vodka and a case of energy drink(!). I don't know why, but energy drink(!) needs an exclamation point. (Hey you're lucky it isn't all in caps.)

Oh Shana, hugs to you. I say: donate that sucker and stat.

Rachel B

Whatever happened to a good old bottle of wine or vodka or even a good old Minnesota "hot dish"? Sorry that you had to receive this "well intentioned gift" . If you were closer I'd be over with my own version of a "well intentioned" gift - hopefully it would be better. Still thinking of you several times a day.


This happened to me too. I'm not religious - agnostic even - and i got prayer blanket after prayer blanket. It doesn't help. Well, that's not true It helps the person who is making it feel like she is doing something. My daughter tells me that I have to find a way to get less upset when good intentions go awry. "Let it go, Mom" is what she says. So I sigh and let it go. Till the next one happens.


I'm so sorry honey. And it looks itchy.

Sometimes the best intentions are just bad ideas.


I'm so sorry. I'm sure it was meant for comfort, but ....? I guess all you can say is thanks for trying because you know people want to reach out and help you but don't know how. And I can tell that you know that. Sorry it hurt you-like everyone else is saying, there's probably someone somewhere that can use it if you donate it. :(




Here is what it is http://www.ncovenant.org/nurture. Look about halfway down the page.

Hope it helps a maybe a little bit to know what it was supposed to be.


Oops. Without the "." at the end of the link though.

Ashley Hast

Piss. :(


I'm the Katie who posted the link.

I reread what I wrote and realized that probably nothing will make you feel better. Certainly not knowing what that stupid blanket is or isn't.

I'm so sorry. I wish I could make it all go away.


oh mama! i know we've already talked about this so i won't elaborate, but i do wish that people would take the time to get to know someone better before casually handing out gifts to those in pain. grief doesn't come in a one size fits all category. i know i wouldn't feel comforted by some random blanket or other trinket that means nothing to me. but saying that, i don't know any gift that might alleviate this kind of pain... :( miss you! i'll call you from ak. xxx


The best if intentions were sent with that blanket, yes, but it's hard when a gift feels like it was meant for a newborn.

Shauna McGlynn

I love the idea of a quilt with Thalon's sleepers, blankie, etc. I can't sew either and I doubt you want a blanket held together with duct tape.

Yikes. xo, Shauna

Shauna McGlynn

Yikes. Strange gift choice.

I think a quilt made of Thalon's blankies and sleepers is such a beautiful idea. I wish I could sew for you, but I am domestically challenged when it comes to sewing and I don't think you want a quilt made of duct tape.

Love and Peace, Shauna


I have to admit I've probably been guilty of similar errors of judgement. It is with best intentions I've sent things to people in grief, and I usually did so on a sincere impulse of compassion (it is such a helpless feeling to stand by someone in such pain and do absolutely nothing because there is nothing I can do). Later, when I thought it through more, I realized my gift was something that would actually comfort ME more than that person who was grieving. All I could do was apologize. I appreciate your honest post about the blanket, and trust it will educate more folks like myself.

I've also been thinking a lot of your previous post (the waiting is the hardest part). I wondered if someone you know well could write your congressperson on your behalf, and ask them to look into the delay of the report. Either that, or call a local reporter and get them on the story. My suspicion is that many families in grief are made to wait for these report results, and maybe exposing it (the delays, the lack of funding, the rude community relations person) might help expedite things. Because it seems unjust to me that families who are suffering have to wait almost a year to get the results of autopsies. You might not want to deal with publicity at this time, and I'm not sure it would work, but it was something that came to mind.
You and your family are still in my prayers.

Melissa in TN

I am sorry about that. Goodwill it and get it out of your house.

Anna Laine

A question? Maybe two...for the world at large

Call me naive, stupid, a fool...your choice of descriptive adjectives. Your choice of poison. All would possibly fit.

But, why are we as humans so damn reactive? I totally understand Shana's response...and I understand the need to show support...but, after that point I seem to have taken "a left at Albuquerque."

I truly believe that most of us are good intentioned individuals...with a desire to help and support...and don't most of us (if we are truthful) give/select gifts, perform "kind" acts sometimes out of our own frame of reference...to fill our own needs? Maybe...this person was giving from some experience linked to her own background that perhaps brought peace and solace. At some time or other in our lives, we are all victims or perpetrators of "social awkwardness."

In a devastating loss such as Shana's...I believe every single one of us would...without hesitation...love to "do" something that would help. A kind word, a hug, a meal, anything...that could restore, heal, comfort. But, how do any of us know if we are getting it right? Helping or hindering? All we can do is try. Because we love and care...and hurt...and grieve alongside.

I am not trying to preach...no, just wish we would all cut each other a little slack. Instead of reactive words...throw a crumb of understanding and human kindness..it might help all of us.

A random thought in regards to the client: Share your thoughts and feelings with her. Good...bad...right...wrong. Maybe it would help broaden the understandings of both parties...or at minimum help to circumvent the act from being repeated. Some of us clearly need a little more guidance than others.

Shana, you are so special. You are blessed with a gift for words...and your talent just may be the catharsis needed to survive at this point. Do not worry about forgetting. You won't.

You have a whole host of friends keeping up...caring and championing you every step of this difficult path. Press on... in spite of us well- intentioned screw-up's :)

(and if there is a need to respond by throwing stones...small ones, please.)


ugh... i am so sorry. even when you know their heart is in the right place, the pain still cuts to the quick.


I know that people mean well but sometimes they just do the dumbest things to help. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. It sucks that it has to hurt so bad, that we can't go back and take it all away. I'm so so sorry.

Debbie in the UK

How utterly, utterly stupid. How on earth could that help? These bloody do-gooders drive me insane.


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