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07 July 2009

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Rebecca

I have this theory, and it is just mine. But your space is yours and you are wholly entitled to put whatever you want on it. If anyone reads it, great, but please don't let their responses or what you think that they might say keep you from posting. Getting your feelings and emotions out is healthy. It is sometimes not pretty, and sometimes not politically correct. Heck, swear, if it makes you feel a bit better. It is your safe place to do it.

I know that you don't know me, but your blog brings out the real, true, honest emotions that we all have, especially if we can even remotely relate to the loss that you have been through. Don't shut down, because you never know who else out there that you might be helping.

Susan

So sorry for your pain. I don't know how anyone can get through such a tragedy. I always hesitate saying anything to anyone who has experienced such a loss for fear that I'll say something stupid. And reading the comments from this site assures me I'm right! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your sweet little family.

Manda

Yeah, I feel you. As more people start reading your blog you get typecast ... as in "oh! She's so funny!" or "she's a mommyblogger!" and there are so many comments and la-ti-dah comraderie but then the shit hitteth and everyone hides because they can't handle it and they feel all awkward and you're kinda like "well. here I am being brutally honest and no one accepts me. That sucks."

Seraphim

If ANYONE even thinks 11 weeks is enough time to grieve, send them to me. Seriously. A lifetime isn't enough time. Whatever you do, I'm one of many who respects your right to do what's right for you. Because at a time when so much is very wrong, it's your choice xxx

page

Hell. I'm glad I found you. I'm glad you're honest and quite frankly, I know you not at all. But I get being "found out". Ugh. What a naked feeling that can be.

I hope you keep on keeping on (blogging), here or somewheres else, if it's working for you in any way. The blogosphere would miss the shit out of you, Shana. I know, at least, I would.

Kandi

Thank you for being so open. We have suffered loss. Our family has stuffed bears for the children lost to us (We dress them up in the child they are made for's out grown outfits). (And those with us still also)My son in law had (I Have him now) a stuffed gorgeous gorilla since childhood and he is in my bed with my Trevor Bear (Trevor is my Grandson). Your son is the only one not personally known to our family, though we all know him now, that is here. My Grandson turned 5 mos a week ago and I don't know how to say this properly though I want you to know, I have no doubt you sharing your loss with the world is the reason my Grandson is still here. He is a faceplanter. We haven't stopped watching him as in constant hands on since he moved in here. 2 x's now I have watched him from my perch on the computer where he rolls from his back to his stomach, Paci in his mouth and smothers himself. The first time he did it I grabbed him up immediately and the second I watched for a second. He didn't stir, he just stayed that way. breathing cut off. I held him close and sent Thanks to Thalon for having a Mom that shared his story and an apology to him that he had to go to save others. I honestly don't feel like I will feel safe until he is older. I am sorry if this is rambly. I just want you to know, I too wonder how come you had to lose your son. I hope our boys are together enjoying each others company, and wonder if my son is a grown man now or a baby as he was when he left? Hugs and Prayers to you always.

haitian-american family of three

I really hope I am not ever "found out" to people in my real life even though I don't get super personal on my blog, it must feel like having your journal published in the local paper. I don't know you but have been reading for awhile and just want to say as a real person to another real person, keep writing if its making you feel better and don't listen to anyone who is being rude in the comment section. You are doing the best you can at this given moment and your family has suffered the worst thing anyone, ever, can experience. If you ever need a place to get away in WA send me an email, we have a tiny cabin five hours from Seattle-a good place to decompress. Take care-

Sarah

I hear you, hon. I don't know you. Hell, I live on the other side of the world (not in actual hell, in Australia), but I really love to read what you have to say. No matter what it's about. I don't expect you to "entertain" me, I'm here for the honesty. You are one awesome person.

Veronica

I'm sorry people you know IRL are giving you a hard time. It's really the last thing you need.

Keep writing it however you want to. Life isn't all sunshine and roses and humour, sometimes shit sucks. I'll be here, reading and holding your virtual hand.

lynne

I don't think you need any more finger pointing and criticism at this point in your life. I am sorry that your safe place to vent has been blown open, I'm even sorrier for the tragedy that has befallen your family. Do what you need to do, but I will remember Gorrilabuns as a strong, dignified, kind-hearted lady.

Ashley Hast

Well...although it would totally suck not to read your blog, since I totally "love you", I'd just suck it up and keep praying for you and your family, whether or not you were in the internet universe. Fo'real.

eden

... and this is the post I delurk on.

Shauna, I have read every single post of yours, since your magnificent Thalon passed. Every time I click here, I look at your beautiful masthead with your three beautiful children, and think, man, how can he be gone? It's just not fair.

I want to tell you that I think you are one of the most amazing women I have ever "met".

Recently down here in Australia was SIDS Day (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) ... there have been little fluffy toys and red bracelets for sale everywhere. I bought a heap, in memory of Thalon.

I hope you don't stop blogging here. Mate, like a fuckwit I decided to blog in my real name ... now most of my posts are so un-pc and inappropriate but I don't care. I blog for me. It makes me feel better. I'm blogging now while things are good, but I'm sure they will turn shit again soon.

Blogging saved my arse last year .... I get a few trolls and a few tsk tsks, but it only makes me want to blog MORE, like, tourettes.

I think you are fucking incredible. I think you are handling this so amazingly well. You're awe-inspiring, real, honest, and raw. You are so broken and yet so strong at the same time.

Sending you some peace and light. (So sorry for the epic comment)Eden xox

Hazel

I've been reading your blog since right before you gave birth to Thalon. I'm not sure how I found you, but I do enjoy your honest, heartfelt writings. This is the first time I am posting a comment and I do want to say how sorry I am for your tragic loss of that sweet baby boy. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Do whatever you need to do for you and your family. There are many here that support you. As to those who leave hurtful or negative comments, they are so unhappy with themselves and their own lives. Please just try to ignore them. Take good care of yourself and your precious family.

Tamara

When someone who's life has been torn apart, can't write what they are thinking, on their own blogs for fear of recrimination, then the world is a very sad place indeed.

Keep Writting. For as long as your write. I will read. I can't bring back your beautiful son, or heal your broken heart, but i can read. And I will. Every tear, every heartbroken word of it, I'll read.

Emily

I so very much hope that this was not your last post ever. I too can't remember how I got to your blog, but have been reading it for a while now, since before Thalon was born. I, like many of your readers, cried for the little boy that I never met and his mother who I also never met but feel like I know in some small way because of this blog.
If writing makes you feel better, then you should continue it. If it doesn't or you are worried about people's reactions, etc then of course you should stop. But you will be so sorely missed!!

Kwan

Keep on writing whatever you like. This is your blog and your are entitled to write how you feel. You have to mourn your child whatever way you wish, nobody can tell you how to mourn. I know you will think of Thalon everyday for the rest of your life. If your friends start to judge you, that only means they are no more your friends. If anyone that doesn't like what you write, they can always choose to NOT read your blog. Usually people judge another to make themselves feel good and validate their own choices. Just ignore them. Keep up with your writing and God Bless You.

Barb

I am a lurker who would just hate to see you not write,its therapy for you and quite honestly the most honest raw true blog I read, I would miss your honesty terrible could you password protect?


whatever your decision I will leave here having known one of the most beautiful honest people in cyber land and I thank you for that xo

Rah

Also de-lurking in the interest of encouraging you to keep on being who you are. It's your blog, and no one, NO ONE, is entitled to take that from you. Ignore the thoughtless people who write comments they would never say to your face if they were standing in your living room. Your understandably raw feelings are completely appropriate under the circumstances. It's difficult to say anything that doesn't sound trite, but just know that many of us are with you in spirit and supporting you in thought and prayer. Hugs.

Nicole

God, but people can be assholes. I can't imagine your having to deal with this on top of everything else you're trying to deal with. I think if you stopped writing it would be a huge loss, but you have to do what is best for you. I, too, get very nervous when "RL" people tell me that they read my blog. It doesn't seem right. I guess what I'm trying to say is that whatever you decide to do, just make it the right decision for YOU. If it makes you feel better to blog about Thalon, blog away. If you want to shut it all down, do that. But don't let other people make the decision for you. Fuck 'em. Really.

Hallie

Screw them all. 11 weeks seems like the tip of the grieving iceberg. You lost your child, not your car keys.

You keep saying what you need to say, how and when you need to say it.

Hallie

Michele

This is your site. Dont let anyone take that away from you. People choose to read and, if asked, should NOT read without your permission. I for one don't tired of reading whatever you post, be it about Thalon or about vodka or anything else! I made a disclaimer to my husband when I started blogging that it was mine and that if someone IRL stumbled on it and was hurt or shocked, that was their problem and not mine. I wouldnt censor so that someone else could feel better. I think you should write what you want, write what you need, and the rest of the world be damned.

Julie Shaner

People just need to get a life. If they don't like the way you write then don't read it. I have not been in your shoes, don't pretend to know how you feel but appreciate your HONEST writing. Hang in there and do what you need to do for you not what everyone thinks you should do.

sassy

I can understand it being hard having random people you know in real life read your thoughts here. I had a blog a couple of years ago that I deleted for that very reason. Now some people are starting to find out about the one I have now. I don't know if I'm doing better or if I'm just stupider, for the moment I don't really care.

I love your writing and your honesty. I'm sorry you don't feel fully free to express yourself here at the moment. But reading it, it does seem like you're doing an effing good job at remaining true.

I do wish we could go back to the time before Thalon died, not because I'm tired of hearing about it, but maybe to bring him back.

3carnations

Can typepad blogs be made private? If so, maybe you need to do that, and either make it for your eyes only, or for a handful of internet folks of your choosing that you don't have to see and deal with on a daily basis.

I'd hate to see you give it up completely, because I thinking blogging is good for you, even if no one but you can read it.

Gwen Jackson

Maybe you could start another blog that's anonymous? (Of course you'd need to give me the new url :) I know how it feels to watch every word. I have people in my life reading my blog too and I'm really not able to express the things I want to express without personal consequences. I don't write a blog because I want people to worry about me or worse institutionalize me in a drug rehab or mental health facility. Anyway, I really enjoy reading your blog. You have a beautiful way of keeping your sense of humor in the face of horrible tragedy. Your writing is amazing. I would NEVER think you shouldn't talk about your son or that it's boring. I would be surprised if he didn't come up in a blog because I'm sure he's on your mind every second of every day. I think it's important to talk about him and what he meant to you. This is your journey. It's a painful one, but it's still your experience. What you are going through and you being honest about those emotions could help someone else. Please, please, please don't stop writing. If it's therapeutic then you need to do it. Either do it on here or if it's not comfortable to you on here find another place to express your feelings and thoughts (just please bring me with you, ok?)

Bitts

If you feel like you need to take a hiatus, then by all means, disappear. You don't need anything in your life that brings you more stress or pain, and if this blog is doing that, then shut it down. So many of us love you and support you and will understand, and still love and support you, no matter what you choose to do here. If the writing helps, then maybe keep doing it, but don't publish? I don't know. I want things to be better for you. Easier. Peaceful. But I know ease and peace are fleeting and far away from you most days. If there was some way I could shoulder your burden for one day -- even one hour -- I would do it without hesitatation.

My (very very wise) Mom says: "Do not explain yourself. Your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it."

You don't have to explain yourself to us. We don't need it. Do whatever will bring you a little more peace. We will be here, ready to read every word you write, whenever you come back to us. And we will love you and think of you and remember Thalon even if you never decide to come back.

(PS: But maybe you could toss a Tweet out there every once in a while so we know you're still kickin?!? :)

Heide

I know it's not the same, but I had a very mildly similar experiance last year when I found out that co-workers had been reading my blog. Actually, staff in my dept that I managed. It totally gave me the creeps and literally made my skin crawl and all of a sudden I felt like I'd been found out and I was afraid to say a word. I felt violated. Even though, duh, it's a public space and of course anyone can read it. It was just weird.

But whether it's here or on a new anonymous blog or just in a good old-fashioned paper-and-pen journal, I hope you do continue to write about your experience just for yourself.

Cyber-hugs from a cyber-stranger, mama.

Lindsey Johnson

I am so sorry that people can suck so much that this outlet of yours might be taken away. I really hope you don't stop writing. I really hope this blog can bring you as much peace as possible, given these most awful circumstances. My heart hurts for you and your family.

Christine

I'm all for you doing whatever you need to do. If you want to start a shoot off blog and not tell anyone about where you went and start using pseudonyms, I say go for it. If you think stopping completely is what you need, it's all on you. No one can or should tell you how to grieve. Whether that involves being sad, or happy, or not knowing whta to be.

Thinking of you and the family. And seriously, there is always a couch open in Philly for you.

Ashley

You know what - you lost your baby... a part of you, your husband, your family... not your damn keys or a piece of mail you've misplaced... he was your CHILD - screw everyone and please keep writing! Even if you dont do it here - hell, buy a $2 notebook @ wal mart - just keep it up. I'm a firm believer that it helps... I carry a notebook around w/ me aptly named "crazy book" I've gone through countless ones and I've never had anything happen to me like what happened to you. I can understand your point about the girls school though - that makes total sense... however - please keep writing... in one way or another. *sigh* Stupid people - I'm sorry they're being mean and judging. No one has the right!

Yo mama

Hey, hey, coming from the "careful" side of your family, I think all of those colorful genetic traits are just the Irish Survivalists - at least we are still around to sniff our food.

Amanda

delurking as well...

I've followed your blog for a good while now and honestly, I hope you don't stop writing as well. As far as those that might 'judge' well, again honestly, time will come when they will move on and this will be something that isn't the 'topic' that they think about. PLEASE know that I don't mean that in a negative way, at all - only that everyone has their day in the spotlight and that the spotlight does, in fact, leave...eventually. (And I don't mean that negative either - oh hell, maybe I shouldn't have delurked!)

If you do decide to take a break for a while I do understand - this is the time of your life when it NEEDS to be all about you - especially in your space and if you don't feel like it is anymore then, well, it's not doing the job.

You are a good writer Shana. Honest, straightforward, and yes, funny.

Besides, I know about alcoholics and you aren't one. :)

Vicky

I wish I had "known" you before Thalon passed. I arrived here from the Spohrs blog on the day you were asking for prayers as your sweet little boy laid in the hospital.

I don't come here to see a train wreck, I don't come here to point and stare, I don't come here to judge you or tell you what you should be doing or should be feeling.

I come here for your poignant writing, your sharing of your grief and I like that you are an Okie girl just like me (well, except I have about 10 years on you so I'm pretty sure I'm not a girl anymore and heck I live in south Texas now). Sometimes, I think you are darn funny.

I'm sure it is difficult to have people you know in real life reading, possibly judging, what you write. I don't know the answer to that. All I can say is if you go away, I would miss you terribly. If you start another blog, would you let me come along for the ride too? I won't tell anybody.

Heather

As long as you write, I'll read without judgement.
Hugs and prayers headed your way.
-From a complete stranger

Jen B

It would be nice to just tell you to keep blogging, spewing 'you' all over The Internets. But the truth of the matter is, though I wait for updates from you, I don't have to live your life. You do. And in dreamland I could just say that those people should mind their own fucking business and cut you some slack, but the truth of the matter is, reality doesn't always allow for that. Do what you gotsta do. If you think that you can get back to the good parts, the reason you used it as an outlet to begin with, then people will be listening. Good luck!

a

I understand your reluctance to introduce people IRL to how you really feel. Most of the time, I think we all stay on the surface so as not to offend anyone. I hope you don't stop writing and lose your outlet - I agree with those who advise you to go password protected, or start an anonymous blog. It would suck if you felt you had to leave your home, though.

Anyway, 11 weeks is such a short time. I don't know how you find the strength to write anything other than "I want my son back" every day, but I'm in awe that you do.

Tamara

It really blows that your place to think out loud and vent does not feel safe anymore. Do whatever it takes to find an outlet that works for you whether it is writing the entries without publishing or taking the site private/members only for the foreseeable future. There are lots of us who would miss your voice, but you really have to do whatever works for you.
Years ago, one of my college friends moved away and started a blog to keep in touch with everyone. It was a very honest and often funny blog, but soon the comments started pouring in, mostly from relatives. Parents didn’t appreciate any discussion of their divorce. Granny didn’t like to see sex mentioned. It escalated to something like, “Good God what are you thinking, your 8 year old cousin reads this.” Somehow, she kept it going. I think that maybe she did a family friendly version and a password protected open version, but it was eye opening to see how many people thought that it was about them and their two cents and not her.

Shannon Kieta

Shana...
For what it's worth, it is your personal space, and if your friends ARE your TRUE friends, they will understand. If not... Fuck them! That's right, I said the F-word! No one who truly loves you judges you, no matter what the situation. So blog away baby, to your hearts content. We are all pulling for your recovery. Every day is a new day with new hopes. We all love you! Take care of yourself! SHannon

Kate

I'm a fairly new reader of yours and have only commented a couple of times. Your blog is great. It's rare to find a blog where the writer expresses herself so openly and honestly. You talk about the good and the bad things without trying to make it all sunshine and roses all the time. Most people are so concerned about who is reading them or losing readers by being too negative. I don't think you should worry about those things. For one thing, you're not negative, you're telling it like it is. It would be really strange if Thalon never came up in your posts. It's fantastic that you still talk about him all the time because it keeps it real--his memory, his life, his smile. A coworker of mine lost her mother when she was in college (it's been about 10 or so years) and she still goes to grief therapy because she doesn't want to wrap up that experience and just get over it.

Anyway, I really like reading your blog and I hope that you continue to post here. Please remember that although there are a few jerks out there in the audience, I think the majority of your readers genuinely care about you and your family and will support you no matter what. No judging, just support and understanding. That's really all any of us can ask for, anyway.

Lynn from For Love or Funny

I'm grateful to have been able to follow your journey, and I will still read whatever you post, whenever you feel like it.
Supporting you with a big invisible hug,
Lynn

Kelly

I found you through Heather's site.

I'm going to say this. It is your site, it is your domain and if you want to write for the next 20 years about how you are still heart broken over the loss of your baby. You get to do that. It's why we were given freedom of speech, press, etc.

If someone doesn't like reading your site, I personally love your frank anecdotes and honesty you give through your pain that shows even though life is killing you, you've got it too by the balls, oh yeah back to... if someone doesn't... Fuck 'em. They can delete you, because if they can't see your freedom to express yourself and your RIGHT to talk about the loss you've had. What the hell are blogs for other then expressing your self and what you are dealing with personally. Besides, didn't the Sex & the City girls have cosmo's with a few smokes? :) Every night? Who cares, no one EARNS, Gets, or deserves the right to stumble across cyber space and judge you for your pain or how you display it.

<3 Kel

Stacey

I will totally understand if you decide not to blog any further . . . but I also will totally miss you.

Cat

I'm so sad that now, when more than any other time you really could use the release of this venue, any theraputic qualities are being drained from it. Whatever you decide, I hope you find a way to express your pain and frustration and happy memories and loss and grief. XO

Marie

Delurker here...I can honestly tell you, I know what you are going through...I lost my baby girl 10/27/08, she was 13 weeks old. Girl you say and get out all that I think, you can't stop doing this..even if you take it private and do it for your own good. I hide all the emotions that you get out on here and damn it feels good to know that I"m not the only one who feels like I've lost it almost everyday...you know the pain that I go through everyday when I wake up at 5am, her feeding time and remember I don't have her to feed...I look at my son and wonder if he thinks i will let him die..
Ok my bad, just going off here...BUT please know that your blog has helped me so much...I'm thinking about you and your family...

M

Davezwife (Another Apron with Gin in the Pocket)

lady - you do what you want, but if you stop writing (here, specifically) I will reach thru the interwebz and KICK YOUR ASS!
Take a step back and blog about farts if you want. Ear wax your thing? How about a so-lil-a-qui (lol) about children on leashes and grown women wearing pigtails? I bet that would be some funny chit.
You process this however you see fit. Even if it's all 'warshed down with Gin. From my apron pocket. I getcha, dear. I really do.
Best wishes though. You have people thinking of you, including moi.

Kristabella

Having this space online is a tough battle sometimes. While I'm pretty sure 99.9% of bloggers are fame whores who want the attention and comments, there is always a price. There are many days where I wish I was anonymous and could talk about anything I want to. But the fact that our blogs are on a very public space means that sometimes we have to tread lightly. And that sucks.

I do hope you continue to write because I do think it is helping you. But I completely understand your hesitation. You do what's right for your and your family, even if that means you password protect the posts just so you still have the outlet.

We support you and we'll be here for whatever you decide! xoxoxo

sizzle

I've had people I know in real life say they are reading my blog and I am like HOLY SHIT. Then I look at them thinking that they have read my conversation with my genitals or about all my deep seated daddy issues and it's just TOO MUCH. Oddly enough, I do not feel any hesitation with putting it out there for strangers.

I can understand feeling judged or censored now that people who know you in RL are reading. It would make me want to shut my mouth too. Please know that I'm around not for the funny (which you often bring even in light of such tragedy) but because I care about YOU.

a madhouse wife

Well, we have already discussed the blog privately, and you know my thoughts. I would just like to say that I find it very comforting that you also analyze stool samples on webmd. I thought I was the only one.

grace monk

Have you thought about disabling comments? I realize the irony of asking this as I post a comment, but seriously. I don't blog so I don't know, but is that even possible? I understand your desire to go away from this place, and, while I would miss you and worry, my life would go on without it, and it's not like you need me (you don't even know me, I write sadly). But maybe if you didn't have to read the shite posted in response, this place would feel better. Obviously, I'm clueless. Only you can judge this situation.

Krystal

Yes, the kitchen was quite the job, but it feels good to be done. Or rather, it's now so pretty I feel bad when its' dirty! Bittersweet.

As for your post, I understand where your coming from. I was on Xanga for years, and since it wasn't that accessible, I freely wrote or said anything I wanted. But also because it wasn't that accesible, very few people read it. When I moved to Blogger a few weeks ago, I was excited to write and have more than 3 people read it, and to share my "stories". But now that grandparents and more religious/political friends, etc began to find the link... its more difficult to say what I really feel. I even edited all the "fucks" out of my post. -But reading your post today, I think I've decided the best thing to do.

Just let it out. What you write on your blog is YOU. It's your theraphy, but more than that, it's your right. They don't HAVE to click on it. They CAN unsubcribe. Who cares? The people that really matter will love you no matter what. The friends and readers who aren't shallow or cold hearted will understand why your post have sad/mad/frustrated/etc content right now. I look at the picture of Thalon's sweet face and just can't imagine the pain you must be in, or the courage you have just to get out of bed everyday. Or the strength you have to have just to take care of your beautiful girls. And other people will understand that too. And if they don't? Fuck 'em.

There's plenty people who won't ever unsubscribe, who will still comment, and think of you, and pray for your family, and wish wish wish for your pain to go away. *hugs*

I know this was long...sorry!

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