« hands off! | Main | a new form of passive-aggressive fighting »

28 September 2009


Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.


Everything you're feeling is totally natural. Especially the part about watching the Christmas videos and wishing you could see more of your son. If someone took my baby away from me I think the hardest part would be trying to keep hold of the memories. Not the big "out loud" ones. The little ones where you know the way they look in the morning or the way their nostrils flair. Fuck it, I don't actually know what the hardest part would be and I feel heartsick for you in the fact that you do. You are such a warm, loving generous woman and I can't believe this shit has befallen you.


I've wondered that question too. Why were we- who tried so hard to get pregnant- "afflicted" with our children dying why other people who dont give a damn pop babies out like candy only to continue to not give a damn. Not that I wish loss on anyone because I dont, but I think it is a natural question to ask when you feel like you did everything possible for the happy ending and ended up with an ending so horrible you cant bear to think about it for fear of going under in the early days.


This guide of what NOT to do makes so much sense. I ached for you and your daughter, the bit where she tries to comfort you whilst you are comforting her? I was her, and I came out ok. And she will too. And as for number 5. I hope it's ok that I'm wishing for a magical cure? I know there isn't one, but how I wish there was.
Sending hugs across the ocean


They all sound awful, but #5 seems particularly brutal. I can somewhat understand the awfulness of watching home movies, as I struggled with the movies leading up to the time my daughter got sick, and then watching the videos of when she had cancer and was on treatment. But I could watch, knowing our outcome was a good one and she would eventually be "well" again on tape ..... you don't have that luxury, and it really sucks. I hope someday that videos of Thalon bring you happiness ....


Hugs to you Shana. And the girls. Sending good thoughts.


A hug for you and your family..I cannot imagine how hard this is for you, but you do a great job of writing.


These are certainly hard times. I wish there was something I could do or say.


I think you can claim all of this as normal, though the situation is anything but. Thinking of you.


All of them sound completely normal...You are grieving your beautiful little boy...There is no right or wrong way...only the way that "gets you through the day". You must do what feels right to you.
Wishing you peace.

Shannon Kieta

I just wanted to start by saying, I love you dearly! I sympathize with you completely. I want you to be pregnant in the worst way! You WILL become pregnant very soon! I am sure your nerves play a big role on why you can't get pregnant quickly. Maybe you and hubby go away for the weekend, have a few drinks, relax,and... bam! I am giving you all this advice, and I am hoping you are even trying TO get pregnant! If you lived closer, I would snatch you up, take you out for a nice dinner, we could go shopping, have a few drinks, and have some girl-talk. God I would LOVE that! I am in such need of some girl talk. When you talk about missing Thalon, I know how empty you feel. I miss my sister sooo much. It's been almost 9 months since she's been gone. I know it's not the same kind of pain, but it's still grieving. I cry all the time too. Please feel free to lean on me whenever you need me. Luv Ya! Shannon


Well, that's a big pile of suck, isn't it? :-( I hope tomorrow is a better day. And next week is a better week. I hope next year you find yourself looking back and saying "Wow, I don't know how we made it through that, but we did, and every day is a little bit easier."


): I'm so sorry sweetie, I wish I could give you a big hug...


Hi, Just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you. I'm keeping you in my prayers too.


"and yes, I DO appreciate what I have in my life at this moment. More than most and more than you will ever know. Quite so sad, as many don't appreciate what they have and I've lately wondered why they weren't afflicted instead of me. and YES! I finally said it. If you must, have a field day with this statement."



I'd like to hug you right now. You're insanely eloquent amidst all this


*hugs*. For you, for your family.


Think it, say it, type it, mean it. Fuck'em. Whatever you need to do.

Who comes here to question how you're coping? Really? WTF, people. I don't know why, but it amazes me that someone would read a blog just so they could bitch at the writer about how wrong they are.

Shana, you're not wrong to feel the way you do.


My heart continues to ache and cry for you. I pictured immediately how I would have responded to your children (if they were mine) and the video. I know I would've completely tuned them out while trying to look around whatever was in the way in the movie from letting me see precious Thalon. I wish I had an answer as to why this awfulness happened to you and others who seem less deserving of wonderful children.



Oh, hell. Who HASN'T thought that?


Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.


Well, my quote was cut off. I mean, who hasn't thought "why did this shit happen to me, when there are other people who deserved it more?" And about comparatively petty things, at that.

Alicia @ bethsix

I'm so sorry. It sucks, and it's not right. You feel however you feel; that IS right.


Hugs and prayers are yours.


I'm a grandmother, but...if I needed an adoptive mother to love, nurture, and raise my child...I would choose you! Hands down. I would just drop my Moses basket on your front doorstep and know my beloved infant was as safe as could be in your gentle, loving hands.


I LOVE your blog! I am childless-and not by choice-and so many of the things you write are similar to what I am thinking and feeling (although I have not gone what you have gone thru-think of it as we share the same attitude about life and all the suck that is happening in our own situations). My heart goes out to you

Sue Paulsen

I'm a grandmother, but...if I needed an adoptive mother to love, nurture, and raise my child...I would choose you! Hands down. I would just drop my Moses basket on your front doorstep and know my beloved infant was as safe as could be in your gentle, loving hands.


Sending hugs your way...can't tell you how much I appreciate your honesty. My situation is different but I can relate in some ways so I know that there isn't really anything I can say.

Sue Paulsen

I'm a grandmother, but...if I needed an adoptive mother to love, nurture, and raise my child...I would choose you! Hands down. I would just drop my Moses basket on your front doorstep and know my beloved infant was as safe as could be in your gentle, loving hands.


hugs and prayers always.


Give yourself time. I'm sure your friends understand you being overprotective with other babies. Choosing what's best for you is all you can do for yourself and your family. I wish I could give you a thousand hugs, and hope this space remains a sympathetic ear for you.


Shana -

Good evening. You are in my thoughts. Sending you giant hugs. Take care.

Debby Pucci

I pray to God that I could have the ability to take away your pain and the pain of others who have lost a child. It is an unfair road you are on and it just keeps going and going. Know that I care about you.



I'm sorry. Thank you for sharing with us. Praying for you & your family still.

I wouldn't be able to take the church pic either. I commend you for even your attempt to watch the xmas vid.


Oh, hon, I'm so sorry. I have never understood why bad things seem to happen to the best people. The ones who don't deserve it in the least. It's so unfair. And heart breaking. I wish I could fix things for you. Change things. Turn back time. But I can't. I can't even give you the type of hug you deserve... a real one. So for now a virtual one will have to do. And know that I think of you all the time and am honored to know you and think you are amazing. Always have been. Always will be. You are so much stronger then I could ever be.

Plus... I truly believe you will become pregnant soon. Because then I'll have a better chance with Jeff from Big Brother. Just sayin'....

*hugs*!!!! xoox

Sue @ Laundry for Six

I know you're not a hugger, but (((((HUG))))).


You have every right to feel your feelings, Shana, always. Sending more e-mac'n'cheese. I can't get my friend who lost her son recently to even pick up the phone or answer my email - I think you are doing really well! I wish you could beat yourself up less but the thing is, we can all tell you to forgive yourself but it doesn't mean you can, its just how you feel and being dishonest with yourself won't help either. I too am pissed off that others don't suffer what my family does - why should my innocent sweet baby have to have fucking CP? Why not some other child? I don't have a single shred of insight here, I just try to work on helping her get better and I cry a lot and beat myself up. FUUUUUUUUUCK. But I'd let you babysit her, because I don't doubt you as a mom, not even a tiny little bit.


I couldn't do the CPR either. I think you get a lifetime pass. Peace and strength, Shauna

Renee Shepherd

I'm thankful for you. I'm thankful you say what you mean to say. I'm thankful you say it well. I'm thankful you don't filter for nicety sake. I'm thankful you have more guts than Friday morning on Fisherman's Wharf. I'm thankful that in your grief I have grown as a mother (and you have too - whether you are keeping track or not) You are one tough cookie and I certainly admire you. Interestingly enough all I know of you is what you write here . . .

Ashley Hast

I'm sorry. It's not fair, and I hate this for you.


You are so brave and honest. You and your family are still in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong!


was walking around Costco today, thinking about you and praying for you. Really hope that doesn't creep you out.

I am praying for the world's most boring pregnancy for you, and peace for your heart.

Sarah R

Hugs to you! I am so sorry for all the suckiness going on. I think I would have the same feelings as you (particularly towards parents who seem completely oblivious to their children or parents who see their child as a cute little accessory to dress up).

I wish you the best of luck and I am sending you all the baby dust in the world!!!!!!! *hugs, girlie*


Yeah, I've often wondered what I've done to deserve not having shit happen to me. I don't get it. How has my family escaped stuff while yours and others have not? Then I have to shove that thought out of my brain lest the gods of destiny think I want the shit.

Goodness, I think you're sounding better. I don't know if it's okay to tell you that, but I've been one of those damned "lurkers" for quite some time. And although it still breaks my heart to read your words, they are sounding a bit more...strong? Is that the right word? Well, anyway.


In regards to #3....I know we've discussed these types of people who, in my opinion too, need some sort of jolt such as this in order to make them appreciate what they've got because unfortunately, they don't. And even more unfortunate is the fact that if it happened to them, they still wouldn't appreciate it because they're just...well...jerks.


Big love for you, my dear friend. xoxoxox


Just want to simply say I love you

Canadian Barb xo


what i love about you is you say it like it is

you have been through a cluster-f**k and back

no mama should ever have to go through that and i am so sorry that it happened to you

no field days or judgment here, just in awe of your tenacity


I think everything you're feeling and dealing with is completely normal. And if anyone judges you, tell them to fuck off because until they lose a child, they can't talk about it or pretend to be in your shoes!

I went to a baby shower this weekend and there were babies there and as a childless spinster who wants nothing more to get married and be a stay at home mom, I can KIND OF understand your feelings being around babies.

The comments to this entry are closed.

doing it for the red bull

pin it!

  • Follow Me on Pinterest


  • Welcome to Flickr - Photo Sharing
    This is a Flickr badge showing public photos from shanaball. Make your own badge here.



  • All Rights Reserved - No Kidding!
    Any unauthorized use or blatant use of content on this page, including, but not limited to, photographs and/or text is prohibited.


  • shhh

  • Circle of Moms Top Mom Bloggers

Become a Fan