I found myself standing in a sterile environment. My breath was still haggard from trying to breath life into my child. Alone in my grief even though I was surrounded by my family.
One year ago today at this very moment, I remember watching the ER staff shove numerous lines into a lifeless life. I watched and prayed while my heart was slowly crumbling with reality.
"How? How? What happened?"
"I truly think this is a case of SIDS."
"SIDS? Are you sure? Aren't you sure I did something to cause this horrific event?"
"no."
While staring at this shell of my womb, I wondered how he could have grown exponentially in a short hour. I wondered how this could happen to me? How could this happen to our family?
Before he was transported to the next facility, I lovingly stroked his check. I lovingly kissed his sweet smelling neck and inhaled with all my might the smell of his clenched fist. God how I miss his stinky hands. I knew I would never smell and feel this connection ever again.
I knew it was the end. Even though the end was prolonged for two more days - for me, the end was then. I knew, he would never be ours again.
I watched and was bewildered as the ER staff and doctors were crying with us. I was amazed that a nurse took my hand and prayed out loud with this stranger in her fugue. I was shocked by the shocked and pained faces of all the medical professionals surrounding us.
They couldn't believe this situation either. How this seemingly strong and healthy looking child was all but dead. Dead but not "medically" dead.
I have often wondered how I was going to feel when the anniversary day finally arrived. I'll get back with you on this answer when I finally figure out it myself.
While we have been surrounded with love, prayers and well wishes, we still feel so alone. It means so much for us that people care and continue to share the love. Without these actions, we totally would have crumbled and would have fallen. People haven't forgotten he was and is so precious to us but in the end, we are alone in our grief.
Yes, he has been dead far longer than he was ever alive. Yes, he gave us such joy as our daughters continue to do so daily. Yes, it has been a year since this horrific event but to Rich and I? It still feels like it happened yesterday. Yes, some would really wish we would move on and quit thinking about ourselves 24/7. Lord knows I wish I could too but oddly enough, we are so selfish like that.
Some experts say, it takes 21 days to break a habit. I think the experts lie and don't know what the fuck they are talking about. This habit only lived on this earth 110 days. Such an impact for us in a very short life span. Instead, the habit still remains. The habit of waking up and wishing he was here. The habit of reliving every nuance that occurred those two days. Scared we are going to forget this habit so to speak.
Moira asked the other day how big Thalon is now. I would have liked to answer he is the size of a tiny Teddy Bear urn but thought better of my bitter answer. Instead? I explained he had stopped growing the day he died. He stays this way so when it's our time to go to heaven, we will recognize him.
What a fucked up and stupid answer but just how do you explain such crap to a five-year-old?
Celia seemed to find it exciting that Thalon rose up with Jesus on Easter. I faked the enthusiasm because yes, I think my man is special but just not that special. Quite honestly, I don't care if she thinks he is living with the leprechauns and playing in fields of clover if it gives her a sense of peace.
I wish my husband and I could find the peace our children have found. We continue to try to find it - elusive as it may be but we are still trying.
Thalon, may you be at peace. I hope you know you were and are loved and are still part of our family.
I miss you and love you so. so achingly so.
My heart aches for you. I know there is nothing I can say or do, but I'm thinking of you.
Posted by: Dianne | 10 April 2010 at 04:48 PM
I have written this post over and over and over...nothing seems fitting, nothing seems right, nothing seems like it will bring you peace..probably because nothing I can write here will make any of this better or easier. Just know that I am praying for you and your family...praying that someday, your memories of your precious boy will bring more smiles than tears...more joy than sorrow...And that someday you find the peace that you search for...I think that is a pretty tall task...be gentle with yourself. With love...
Posted by: meg...ct | 10 April 2010 at 04:59 PM
i am so fucking sorry. i echo dianne above... there's nothing i can say or do, but i am so damn sorry and thinking of you a lot.
Posted by: nic @mybottlesup | 10 April 2010 at 05:00 PM
i just want you to know i'm thinking about you all today. sending tons of hugs.
Posted by: Issa | 10 April 2010 at 05:05 PM
This is the first time to your blog. There are no words. I am a mom and love for a child is fierce; that I know. But a loss such as this, I can't pretend to understand. I will pray for peace...I would say, too, understanding, but with something as this, how can there be understanding. Peace, peace, and hope, Lisa
Posted by: LadyWanderlust | 10 April 2010 at 05:13 PM
Thinking of you and hoping that you and Rich survive this horrible week.
Best,
Mike
P.S. That is an adorable photo of Thalon...
Posted by: Mike | 10 April 2010 at 05:14 PM
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I'm so sorry.
Posted by: Mary Jo | 10 April 2010 at 05:21 PM
I just wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you... I have no words, but I am thinking of you.
Posted by: Sarah's Dandelions | 10 April 2010 at 05:25 PM
So incredibly sorry.
Posted by: mandee | 10 April 2010 at 05:27 PM
Shana,
I thought of your family on Easter -- just like last year. My heart aches for all of you.
Posted by: miguelina | 10 April 2010 at 05:31 PM
Loss of a loved one (esp, a child!) doesn't fall into the same category as breaking a habit or accepting change! I love you guys and have been thinking of you nonstop. I will continue praying that your hearts feels a little less heavy with each passing day. xoxoxoxo
Posted by: 180|360 | 10 April 2010 at 05:38 PM
What a truly beautiful baby he is. And it will always feel like yesterday, Shanah. God willing, it won't always hurt this much, but forget? I don't think so. Not even I, a stranger, will forget. I will keep thinking of Thalon. Many hugs.
Posted by: Jessica | 10 April 2010 at 05:38 PM
I'm just so sorry, Shana. Holding you in my thoughts.
Posted by: M | 10 April 2010 at 05:42 PM
i am so sorry. he is so beautiful.
i am just so incredibly sorry.
Posted by: Miri | 10 April 2010 at 05:42 PM
Judging from that photo, he knew he was loved. I'm so sorry, Shana. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts.
Posted by: Alison | 10 April 2010 at 05:47 PM
You're in our thoughts. I can't believe it's been a year either.
Posted by: agirlandaboy | 10 April 2010 at 05:48 PM
Been thinking of you guys and Thalon this weekend. Your strength never fails to amaze me.
Posted by: Punchlinewalking | 10 April 2010 at 05:57 PM
I hate this day. I hate that this day took away your happiness. I hate that this day took away your Thalon. I will attempt to kick April 10th's ass every single year.
My heart aches for you, Rich, and the girls.
I know that Thalon is in heaven loving you and missing you, and he'll never forget you as you will never forget him.
xoxo
Posted by: Dana | 10 April 2010 at 06:02 PM
*sobs* I am so very sorry. What a beautiful boy.
Posted by: Sarah | 10 April 2010 at 06:06 PM
Thinking of you today.
Posted by: Marlo | 10 April 2010 at 06:17 PM
I am thinking of you.
Posted by: Wahkonamama | 10 April 2010 at 06:27 PM
I think you gave Moira a great answer. Good job mom. I have no advice...but I do have tons of love and hugs for you. Hang in there.
Posted by: Danielle (elleinadspir.com) | 10 April 2010 at 06:28 PM
I have, every day, thought of you and your family when I've opened up Google Reader. I always hope there will be a post from you because I so desperately want you to find peace and comfort. Thalon lives on in all of us. He will never be forgotten.
Posted by: alison | 10 April 2010 at 06:38 PM
Your explanation to Moira just knocked me to the floor. I thought it was perfect and beautiful.
Thalon has touched so many people, and he is remembered with love by so many of us that never had to privilege to meet him.
I promise you, you will heal. I pray that it might even start as April 12th passes. You survived this year, and now it is a new one. I want so badly for you to feel whole again (or even 90% whole ;)
I will continue to think and pray for you all this weekend. Meanwhile... breathe, drink, and pop some Xanax!
Posted by: Marci | 10 April 2010 at 06:46 PM
I just want you to know that my heart also aches for all of you. Thalon is so very loved and always remembered. xoxo
Posted by: Michelle Pixie | 10 April 2010 at 06:51 PM
Love, love, love to you and your family, Shana. My heart breaks for you.
Posted by: Anna Marie | 10 April 2010 at 06:53 PM
He's beautiful there, in all his almost-slobbery glory.
S, thinking of you and your family on this terrible day.
Posted by: daysgoby | 10 April 2010 at 06:55 PM
I still remember reading your story on those sad days a year ago, and have thought of you all often. I am so sorry.
Posted by: Fairly Odd Mother | 10 April 2010 at 06:59 PM
Shana -
Good evening. I love you and I am with you and your family today.
Posted by: Yolanda | 10 April 2010 at 07:01 PM
I know this is the day from hell for all of you and there is little to ease its impact. I can only say how sorry I am he isn't there with you, how I wish there was something I could do and that I hope all the love and support around you helps, even just a little bit.
The picture of Thalon you posted is beautiful and the resemblance to his momma is striking. Take good care Shana.
Posted by: Lucy's mom | 10 April 2010 at 07:05 PM
No words I could say seem right. Just know that I think of your family so often and pray so much for all of you. Peace and love.
Posted by: laura | 10 April 2010 at 07:08 PM
I am so sorry that you and your family have had to experience this pain. I am thinking of you all.
Posted by: Barbara | 10 April 2010 at 07:15 PM
Thinking of you and sending you love and healing hugs. I don't have words, just know you are in my heart and Thalon will never be forgotten.
Posted by: Lisa @letstalkbabies | 10 April 2010 at 07:16 PM
Both of my grandparents lost children, one as baby, one at 21, and one at 51. They all said losing a child at any age is the worst pain any person could ever feel. I know that part of your heart is with Thalon now.
Posted by: Dena | 10 April 2010 at 07:21 PM
Thinking of and praying for you all.
Posted by: ~Michelle~ | 10 April 2010 at 07:29 PM
I'm always thinking of you and your family, Shana. Your answer to Moira was beautiful. Peace to all of you.
Posted by: Heather | 10 April 2010 at 07:33 PM
I've been thinking of you today...
Posted by: Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba) | 10 April 2010 at 07:34 PM
I love you. I love Thalon. I'm so fucking sorry.
Posted by: Aunt Becky | 10 April 2010 at 07:39 PM
Marking time with you today, and sending you love.
Posted by: Maggie, dammit | 10 April 2010 at 07:53 PM
I have nothing to say but that I love you guys. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
Posted by: Angella | 10 April 2010 at 07:54 PM
I am so terribly sorry for your loss, and that this is the path that you must navigate. An infinite path of parents who know what you know, and have gone through what you are. You are not alone.
You do not have to hold on to hope right now, when you can barely hold on. Count on those you love to do so for you. They will. They are.
Posted by: Ann | 10 April 2010 at 07:54 PM
I am thinking of you, and of Thalon today. He won't be forgotten.
Posted by: Courtney | 10 April 2010 at 07:54 PM
Thinking of you and your beautiful boy.
Posted by: Tamara | 10 April 2010 at 07:59 PM
Thinking of you all today, and most everyday. Thalon is beautiful... and never forgotten! My heart hurts for you......lots of love coming your way from Montana....
Posted by: melody | 10 April 2010 at 08:14 PM
THINKING OF YOU.
Today.
AND ALWAYS.
Posted by: alimartell | 10 April 2010 at 08:22 PM
So much love to you and baby Thalon. I had that ER experience, too and lost a baby. The doctors and nurses also cried and cried. It's the absolute worst thing that can happen to a person. Thinking of you on this awful anniversary. I'm on Facebook if you're looking to connect with other moms that lost children, http://www.facebook.com/kristinebritemccormick
Posted by: Kristine Brite McCormick | 10 April 2010 at 08:23 PM
Remembering Thalon today and thinking of your family. I'm so sorry that this ever happens to anyone.
Today has been hard; we buried my best friend. Her mom looked stoic but from reading what you write, I understand a little of what she must be feeling. I hope you accept this internet hug because I need to give it.
Posted by: Shana in Texas | 10 April 2010 at 08:24 PM
Thinking of you. xo
Posted by: pgoodness | 10 April 2010 at 08:30 PM
I'm just so so sorry. You're family is in our hearts.
Posted by: samantha jo campen | 10 April 2010 at 08:30 PM
My heart aches for you and your family. I have been praying for you all year, but especially this week. I will continue to do so.
Posted by: Diana | 10 April 2010 at 08:31 PM